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SEASON 1

Porridge · Season 1

Porridge Season 1 quotes

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Porridge
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S1 E15Unfinished Business

[Fletcher is in hospital with a broken leg after falling through a false escape tunnel he was showing to Mackay, who is visiting him, visibly full of "Christmas cheer"]

There is one question I'd like to ask... [crosses to door and checks nobody is outside] What became of the soil that was excavated from the tunnel?

Ah now, wait a minute, I don't know what you're imagining about our relationship, but do not presume you've got a new informer in your back pocket. Everything's just the same, it's still them and us, I'm still on the side of us.

Perfectly harmless question, Fletcher, for future reference. I just want to know they disposed of the soil.

[insistently] I can't help ya!

[Mackay smiles, takes a green bottle of whisky from his packet, shows it to Fletcher and places it on his dinner tray]

Scotland's finest.

[checking the bottle] With a couple of nips out of it, I see.

Well, still a rare treat.

Bribes, is it?

Christmas present.

[Fletch reaches for the bottle again, but Mackay rests a finger on it to stop him]

Come along Fletcher. Just between you and me.

Is that door closed?

[grinning triumphantly] Oh yes. And there's no-one outside.

Christmas present?

Christmas present.

[Fletch takes the bottle, unscrews the cap and takes a glass]

You wanna know how they disposed of the soil?

Simple as that.

I'll tell ya.

I thought you might.

[pouring himself some whisky and leaning in close] They dug another tunnel and put the earth down there.

[Mackay smiles and leaves, but freezes when he realises that Fletch has made a fool of him -- since if true, what did they do with the earth from the 'other tunnel'?]

Suicide? You wouldn't do that, would ya?

UUrwin

Well, I tried it once before.

Did ya? How did you get on?

UUrwin

I failed, didn't I?

Oh, did ya?

UUrwin

It was typical, I was in a supermarket trying to steal a tin of pork luncheon meat, when suddenly it come to me, "is this what my life has come to, trying to steal tins of pork luncheon meat?"

So you tried to commit suicide in a supermarket? How?

UUrwin

Well, I just put my head down and charged the glass doors.

Well, what went wrong?

UUrwin

[Urwin moves his hands apart while making a noise resembling the sound of automatic doors opening, an amused Fletcher hides his face in his palm]: They was electric, I ran straight through and into an off-duty policeman who booked me for nicking the tin of pork luncheon meats.

[to Rawley, the judge who sentenced him] If I'd known you was crooked I could have slipped you a few bob!

[Fletch and Blanco are playing Monopoly]

[draws a Chance card] Would you Adam and Eve it? "Go to jail".

[Blanco is just about to leave the prison on a pardon]

Here here, come here. [Blanco approaches] Listen, we all know that you didn't kill your old lady, see. Which means that some other bloke did. And you've paid the penance for it, right? But I don't want you going out there harbouring any thoughts of revenge, alright?

BBlanco

No. I know 'im wot did it. It were the wife's lover. But don't worry, I shan't go round searching for him, 'e died years ago.

Well, that's alright then...

BBlanco

That I do know. It were me that killed him!

Fletch [explaining his advice for prisoners to Mackay]: One: Bide your time. [raises index finger] Two: Keep your nose clean. [raises middle finger] And three: don't let the bastards grind you down. [Mackay turns around in shock to see Fletcher still has two fingers up] Oh, sorry [raises third finger].

These quotes come from Wikiquote's Porridge pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.