A character in Perfect Strangers
Played by Mark Linn-Baker
Perfect Strangers · 42 quotes
2nd most-quoted character in Perfect Strangers: in 25 of its 42 quotes
Most scenes with: Balki Bartokomous (17)
What do the directions say?
Larry[haughtily] Directions? I threw them out. My father has made it through his whole life without ever reading a set of directions. He once rewired the entire house without directions.
Balki: Isn't that the house that burned to the ground?
Larry[sheepishly] They never proved it was the wiring.
LarryIf you can't take the heat... then get out of my kitchen.
Fine. You've baked your cake. Now lie in it.
LarryI'll hold the wrench, you've got the hammer. When I nod my head, you hit it.
[incredulously] Come again?
LarryWhen I nod my head, you hit it.
[appalled] I can't do that!
LarryBalki, don't make this complicated. I'll hold the wrench. You've got the hammer. When I nod my head, you hit it. You hit it! [Balki starts crying] Now do you understand?
[nervously clutching the hammer] Yes!
LarryReady?
[still crying] Yes! [Balki raises the hammer and waits for Larry's cue. Larry nods his head. Balki raises the hammer to strike]
LarryWAIT! [Balki stands with the hammer raised, confused] What are you doing? [Balki lowers the hammer]
You said that when you nod your head I'm supposed to hit it.
LarryThe WRENCH! HIT THE WRENCH! [He snatches the hammer from his confused cousin's hand. He places a hand to his head, frustrated] I'll do it myself.
LarryAnd why are you going to get what you want?
Because I’m selfish!
LarryAnd why are you selfish?
Because I want to make people HAPPY!!! HAPPY!!! [He shakes Larry vigorously back and forth]
LarryYes! Yes! You've got it!
[Bronson Pinchot and Mark Linn-Baker accidentally injured each other while filming this scene]
[Larry is hanging by the neck of his jacket.]
LarryAlright, Balki, now help me down.
[excited] Cousin, do it for me, please?
Larry[wearily] No, no...
Oh, please! Please, Mr. Scarecrow, which way to the Emerald City?
Larry: 'Some people go that way, and some people go that way...'
Balki, Larry: '...But, of course, people do go both ways!'
[gleefully] I love it! I love it!
Cousin, I should have listened to you when you told me not to join the Motor Psychos.
LarryWell, I can understand why you did it. It's the only thing that kept your mind off Mary Anne. [Balki doubles over, sobbing] Oops.
LarryDon't come any closer! [He tries to smash a bottle against a table to use as a weapon, but can't quite manage. Cobra grabs the bottle and smashes it over his head]
Is that what you were tryin' to do? [A short pause]
Larry[simultaneously] Well, I wasn't going for the head. I was going for the... [He mimes smashing a bottle against a table] hoping for a jagged edge... something I could brandish about...
[simultaneously] No, you were going like this... there's a system to it... we had that whole discussion about the relaxation of the wrist and the elongation of this muscle right here, but, you know, sometimes the label covers over the part of the bottle...
Balki, Larry: [in unison] Yes, that was it!
LarryTomorrow at 10:00 you'll be meeting with the football team. You'll tell them how important you think sports are to the school's image, got it?
Ah, sports are good for school's image, got it.
LarryOkay, then at 10:30, you'll be meeting with the science club. You'll tell them, you think education is important and too much of the school's budget is spent on sports. Got it?
Too much on sports. Got it.
LarryOkay, at noon, you'll be meeting with the fraternities. You'll tell them, you think entirely too much time is being spent in the classroom, and you're pushing for a 3-day weekend, got it?
Too much fraternity.
LarryThat, and 15:00 you'll be meeting with the Honor Society. You'll tell them you think we're here to study, not to party, and you're pushing for Saturday classes, got it?
[Covers Larry's mouth to prevent him from further talking] Small, small question from a simple Mypiot boy. This looks like I'm just telling everyone what they want to hear.
LarryWelcome to politics. I am so proud of you.
[Balki opens a box and an inflatable woman inflates in their faces, spreading out to take up a portion of the trunk with them]
You... you live with someone for five years, and you think you know them...
LarryBalki...
Then you spend a night in a car trunk with them.
LarryBalki, this is not what you think.
[angrily] It's not an inflatable woman?
Larry... Well, yes it is.
Does the lady have a name?
LarryI use this so I can drive in the car pool lane when I'm driving alone.
Larry... We have the element of surprise.
You're right there, cousin: even we don't know what we're doing.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Perfect Strangers pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
