Charlie Eppes quotes from Numb3rs

Colby Granger

You can't just keep going around telling everybody you're fine.

Charlie Eppes

Well, obviously, I'm not fine.

Colby Granger

That's why you got to do something about it. It doesn't matter how scared you were. It doesn't matter if you wet your pants, man. There's nobody out here who's gonna hear it.

David Sinclair

I hate to break this up, but I was about to pass out from the marker fumes.

Amita Ramanujan

Ah, yes, that would be the lemon. I told you it was too much.

Charlie Eppes

[sniffing the pen] I like it.

David Sinclair

It smells like a urinal cake.

Charlie Eppes

Oh boy, that's the fourth security camera we passed since they buzzed us through the gate.

Dr. Larry Fleinhardt

Extremist in Orwellian paranoia as well as stunted religious beliefs.

Dr. Larry Fleinhardt

Her parents were both schooled here. They raised her here. I'm sure they're very intelligent, cosmopolitan people.

Charlie Eppes

They tried to arrange a marriage for her.

Dr. Larry Fleinhardt

Yeah, that had slipped my mind.

Dr. Larry Fleinhardt

I haven't heard of any of these artists, and it's not like I've been living in a cave.

Charlie Eppes

No, just a space station and a monastery ... and – oh yeah! – the steam tunnels.

Dr. Larry Fleinhardt

Point taken.

Amita Ramanujan

I didn't say it was rational, it just feels weird.

Charlie Eppes

My Dad knows you spend the night. That's never been weird.

Alan Eppes

Well, it's weird now, thank you very much.

Charlie Eppes

Hey, Larry. How was the departmental breakfast?

Dr. Larry Fleinhardt

It was less than stellar. I was running late, and the only available seat was next to Professor Heinslose.

Charlie Eppes

The slurper.

Dr. Larry Fleinhardt

You know, all he had was the fruit plate, and he was deafening.

Charlie Eppes

I'm in!

Alan Eppes

Oh yeah, you're in. But you must realise of course, that now you have to marry her.

Charlie Eppes

I gotta go.

Alan Eppes

Clearance or no clearance, he still knows how to make an exit.

Charlie

You know, the LAPD is a fascinating organization; they invented SWAT, they invented community policing, the DARE program...

Not to mention Joe Friday

Amita

Oh yeah, he's from Dragnet, right?

Charlie

Yeah, and you know, his badge number, 714? It's been retired, no officer can wear it.

That's odd, that's the same number stamped on US-made Quaalude tablets.

It's not really relevant how I know that

Charlie Eppes

This is one time the haystack is gonna tell us more than the needles.

Larry Fleinhardt

We got thousands of trucks, millions of parcels, this is one large haystack Charlie!

Charlie Eppes

Where's the glasses?

Marshell Pentfield

Where's the hair?

Marshell Pentfield

God, why am I so stupid?

Charlie Eppes

Do you want answers 1–50 or 50–100?

Charlie Eppes

It sounds like they created a classic game theory scenario, doesn't it?

Marshell Pentfield

Yes, it does. "Johnny von Neumann", the old three man gunfight.

Colby Granger

A mathematical gunfight, huh?

Marshell Pentfield

Imagine a duel between three people. Now, I'm the worst shot. I hit the target once every three tries.

Marshell Pentfield

One of my opponents is better. Hits it twice every three shots.

Marshell Pentfield

The third guy is a dead shot. He never misses. Now, each gets one shot. As the worst, I go first. Then Charlie, then Colby. Who do I aim for, for my one shot?

Colby Granger

I guess me 'cause I'm the biggest danger, right?

Marshell Pentfield

[makes a gun shooting motion toward Charlie] I shoot Eppsey first, but not for the obvious reasons. Chances are two to one I'm going to miss.

Charlie Eppes

And now it's my turn. Logic says I shoot Colby. [makes shooting motion toward Colby]

Colby Granger

Right, 'cause if I'm still standing, I'm gonna shoot you, and I don't miss.

Charlie Eppes

Exactly.

Marshell Pentfield

As the worst, I use the two better shooters against each other.

Amita Ramanujan

Imagine Alan in high school. Hanging out by the bike rags, snapping towels in the shower.

Charlie Eppes

Thanks for the shower image.