NCIS quotes

McGee

Hey Abs. (notices her sad expression whilst hugging Jethro)

Abby

Hey.

McGee

What's wrong?

Abby

Gibbs asked the base commander if I could keep Jethro.

McGee

He said "no"?

Abby

He said "yes".

McGee

Then why are you...?

Abby

My landlord said "no".

McGee

Well that's too bad.

Abby

I have to find Jethro a good home. He's a distinguished veteran. He deserves to be happy, McGee.

McGee

Abby, no, no, no!

Abby

You have been looking for a dog, Timmy!

McGee

That dog tasted my blood and I think he liked it!

Abby

Okay, sometimes you have to look at the reality in front of you and just accept it. You are taking Jethro. Accept it. McGee, Jethro...shake. (neither moves) Okay Jethro you'll have to be the bigger man. (Jethro puts his paw in McGee's hand and as McGee smiles, Jethro growls at him)

Jenny

Long way from San Diego, Leon.

Vance

SecNav felt this warranted a plane ticket.

Jenny

Are you interrogating my agents? I assume you have a suspect. [Vance smirks.] And you've been brought in to oversee. Well, Assistant Director Vance, you gonna ask for them?

Vance

Under the authority of the Secretary of the Navy, as acting director of NCIS, I hearby relieve you of your duties. I'm sorry, Jenny, you're suspended.

Abby

[as they are waiting in Evidence Garage] Ooh! Tarot cards. Want to see what happens next?

Tony

I am dying with anticipation. [gets distracted]

Abby

Tony! We are about to summon the elusive elements of the cosmos. Concentrate.

Tony

I'm with you. Call the spirits. Tell them to bring a pizza.

Ziva

[as Jeanne Benoit passes] Be a man, Tony.

Tony

She accused me of murder.

Ziva

Who is the bad guy? Be a man. Go tell her what she needs to hear.

Tony

I'm sorry you got caught in the middle of all this.

Jeanne

Was any of it real?

Tony

No.

Gibbs

Long Live the Queen.

Ziva

[walks in, smiling and carries a coffee to McGee's desk] For the one you got me last week.

McGee

Aw, thank you.

Ziva

[leans in to see what he's looking at on screen and gasps] That is quite a kiss, McGee!

McGee

[grins] Not bad for a wallpaper, huh?

Ziva

[chuckles] Well, you seem to be enjoying yourself. [muses] I have never seen a tongue quite so... long.

Tony

[walks in, looking at them curiously] McGee has a long tongue?

Ziva

No, but the cutie-pie he's kissing does.

Tony

McGee's kissing a girl?

McGee

You can't see it, Tony.

Tony

Why not?

Ziva

This is McGee's private photograph. And if he does not want you to see it here, then you have to respect his wishes. Or... [hits a key to bring it up on the squadroom plasma screen] ...see it elsewhere.

McGee

Hey!

Tony

[laughs] Oh, McRomeo... you should save that stuff for the bedroom.

McGee

You're just jealous.

Tony

Jealous? I don't think so. What you're doing there could be illegal in some states.

Gibbs

At least you don't have to pay alimony, McGee.

We just didn't see eye to eye, ya know? He'd just complain to his wife about me and I'd complain to my girlfriend about him. Like I would assume you [points to Gibbs] complain to your wife about this one. [throws his stress ball at Ziva, who promptly catches it]

Gibbs

Her? Ha! [laughs] Oh no, I wouldn't mess with her!

[desperately] Can I, just, please go to the bathroom really quick?

Gibbs

No.

[Stenner looks at him in dismay] Okay.

Gibbs

Nah, I'm kidding. You can go.

Abby

I didn't know you two were sharing a room.

Ziva

They're sharing a room?

Tony

We're not exactly sharing a room.

Ziva

(whispering furiously) Either they are sharing a room, or not sharing a room, I do not see what is so exact or not exact about it!

Ziva

[at the copy machine] Die, you stupid machine!

McGee

She seems unfazed.

Tony

Those are standard Mossad-style copy machine assault tactics, McGee. She's fine.

Ziva

I'm not working. Just... drinking. Heidi! Uno mas, s'il vous plait.

You're mixing your languages.

Ziva

And my liquors.

What's it like to shoot someone?

Ziva

It is what it is. It is what you have to do.

Tony

What are you doing?

Ziva

I'm checking into Locke's missing girlfriend. You?

Tony

Same.

Ziva

What? Why?

Tony

Checking her medical records.

Ziva

Why? Do you think she's been lying in some hospital unable to communicate?

Tony

No, I think she's been lying in a shallow grave unable to communicate.

Ziva

Medical records are privileged information. You need a subpoena.

Tony

Not if you have an IOU from a county clerk with a very expressive poker face.