[Tony, Ziva and McGee start to get up to help Gibbs]
Siiiiiit. [they slowly sit back down] Stay. [smiles and walks off] Roll over.
S5 E4Identity Crisis
[watching an arrest in MTAC] An NCIS production. Presented by Leroy Jethro Gibbs. [On screen, FBI agents are running into building] Starring, as per usual, the FBI.
[Ducky is in his autopsy room instructing a group of medical interns]
The adult human brain weighs approximately three pounds.
Feels like a soggy grape fruit.
[After a moment, one of the interns notices silver fluid leaking out of the removed brain.]
LCLt. Carl Greer
Uh, Doctor? Is this natural?
[cups his hands and catches the liquid] Certainly not.
LCLt. Carl Greer
What the hell is that?
[in horror] This, my dear lieutenant... is murder.
Highland Beach in October. Not much of a tourist draw. Soft-shelled crab season's almost over. People really like boats that much?
You work for the Navy, DiNozzo.
This is why I love you guys. You bring me hair, you bring me blood, you bring me fluids... and mercury.
[At Fornell's office]
Who do you work for Tobias? Homeland Security or the FBI?
World's on my shoulders Gibbs.
World made of paper.
[...]
Kinda defeats the purpose of e-mail when you have to print it all out for the file anyway.
Yeah. That's why I don't use it.
Really? Not because you can't figure out how to work it?
[Gibbs, Fornell and Jenny Shepard enter MTAC where Tony, Ziva and Courtney are waiting for them]
FCFBI Agent Courtney Krieger
The boss looks mad.
[Fornell glares at her]
He's going to chew you up.
Out. "Chew you out." Or maybe not. Maybe he's one of those silent killer types.
[in disbelief] You think the kid's Kamal? He would have had to start when he was eight years old!
Not if he's the new Dread Pirate Roberts.
[gasps] I love The Princess Bride! "No one would ever surrender to the Dread Pirate Westley."
[They laugh, Gibbs and Fornell stare blankly at both of them.]
[turns his laugh into a cough] Uh, the Dread Pirate Roberts picks a successor, trains him, starts calling him "Roberts," then settles into a cushy retirement. It's the name Kamal that sells the business.
[watching an arrest in MTAC] An NCIS production. Brought to you by Leroy Jethro Gibbs. [On screen, FBI agents are running into building] Starring, as usual, the FBI, and the elusive Kamal Konkani.
Freeze it.
[The picture freezes as Fornell and Krieger seize the real Kamal.]
[British accent] The Dread Pirate Roberts, I presume.
[mimicking his accent] Did you get her number?
Who, Courtney? No.
I did.
S5 E5Leap of Faith
[McGee and Tony enter a therapist's waiting room. Tony is about to knock on the therapist's office door when McGee stops him]
Don't do that!
Do what?
He might be with someone! [He turns on a light switch]
That tells him someone's here?
[Tony impatiently switches the switch on and off several times quickly]
Haven't you ever been to a therapist before?
Me? No. [Sits on a couch] You?
Yeah. Once when I was young.
For your Acrophobia?
You're blowing that all out of proportion, Tony.
Well, you showed a pathological fear of heights today.
I was staring down ten stories. Being a little disoriented is a little understandable.
Disoriented? Your panties were in a twist. Tears in your eyes. Oh, wait. I couldn't see your eyes because they were shut so tight! You were hysterical like a little girl!
I was not.
You were huggin' the ladder. Ladder hugger. And I got the photographic evidence. [Pulls out a camera phone] Let technology show you the truth. [Shows McGee a video of him nervously on the ladder]
My eyes are not closed. I was blinking.
[Looks at the video] Oh. Oh, is that- Is that what you were doing? Let's let the people decide.
You're not going to post that on YouTube?
I might.
You give me that thing or I'm gonna-- [Tony shuts the phone] Hey! [Begins wrestling for the phone]
[Holding the phone away from McGee's grasp] What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do?
[Both begin fighting over the phone]
FDr. Fleming
Hey, hey. Hey. [Both stop fighting] You two have deeper issues than you discussed on the phone.
On the phone?
FDr. Fleming
Aren't you the couple who called up about marriage counseling?
[Realizes] Couple? Us? No, no... [Begins moving away from Tony]
It's okay, Timmy. Timmy. We're in a safe place. We can be ourselves here. [McGee quickly moves away from Tony and stands in front of Dr. Fleming] We just got back from Vermont. Pretty there this time of year.
Sorry. [Shows Dr. Fleming his badge] NCIS. Special Agents McGee, and DiNozzo.
[Stands] Very special agents.
[Abby comes up to the empty squadroom late at night when no one else is there. She sits at Gibbs' desk and puts on his glasses.]
[Imitating Gibbs] I heard that, DiNozzo. Another wise-ass comment like that, I'll smack you so hard, your grandchildren will feel it. [Looks at McGee's desk] Think it's funny, McGee? Wipe that smile off your face. [Looks at Ziva's desk] That goes for you, too, David. [Picks up the phone] Special Agent Gibbs! [Speaking normal, slowly takes off Gibbs' glasses] You're standing behind me, aren't you?
Yep. [comes over] Feeling very secure about your job, are you, Abs?
Um, not so much anymore.
[McGee has just saved Tony from falling from a high level of a parking garage and they are both sitting on the ground against the concrete partition, panting.]
I love you, McGee. [pats McGee's knee] I promise I am never going to give you a hard time again.
Yeah, right. [Tony pats McGee's chest, McGee bats his hand away.]
S5 E6Chimera
[Tony shoots a drinking straw wrapper at Ziva]
Don't you have paperwork, DiNozzo?
What do you think I'm doing? I take the paper, and I make it work. [shoots another wrapper]
What do your... astute ninja Mossad senses tell you?
[singing] Baa, baa, black ship... have you any wool?... Yes, sir, yes, sir... but in order to see it, you're gonna need top-secret government clearance...
These quotes come from Wikiquote's NCIS pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.