Mystery Science Theater 3000 quotes
1930 total quotes[On the SOL, the Bots are playing Civil Defense Quiz Bowl. Joel hosts.]
Joel: All right, let's get things started with a toss-up question. What three word slogan was coined during the Cold War as a schoolchild's best defense against an A-bomb attack? [Servo buzzes in] Tom Servo of Oak Ridge!
Servo: Uh, uh, uh, duck and cover?
Joel: Could you state in the form of a desperate cry to God to save you from an unholy death, please?
Servo: [screaming] DUCK AND COVER!
Joel: Is right for five points.
Joel: All right, let's get things started with a toss-up question. What three word slogan was coined during the Cold War as a schoolchild's best defense against an A-bomb attack? [Servo buzzes in] Tom Servo of Oak Ridge!
Servo: Uh, uh, uh, duck and cover?
Joel: Could you state in the form of a desperate cry to God to save you from an unholy death, please?
Servo: [screaming] DUCK AND COVER!
Joel: Is right for five points.
[On the SOL, the gang is having a gift exchange.]
Gypsy: Open mine, Mike! Open mine!
Mike: Oh, the big one! Okay. [He opens a box] Oh, wow! Great sweater, Gyps. Thanks! [He holds it up] Look at that, it says "Joike" on it.
Gypsy: Yeah, well, I started knitting it for the other guy a long time ago, and then, and then, well, you know.
Gypsy: Open mine, Mike! Open mine!
Mike: Oh, the big one! Okay. [He opens a box] Oh, wow! Great sweater, Gyps. Thanks! [He holds it up] Look at that, it says "Joike" on it.
Gypsy: Yeah, well, I started knitting it for the other guy a long time ago, and then, and then, well, you know.
[On the trap nest, which is basically a chicken cage that can't be opened on the inside]
Mike: There's no point; it's just funny!
Mike: There's no point; it's just funny!
[One of Burke's guard dogs threatens his henchman Farrell (Jack Palance).]
Crow [as Farrell/Palance]: Oh, no! He saw City Slickers II.
Crow [as Farrell/Palance]: Oh, no! He saw City Slickers II.
[One of Satoris' henchmen cuts through Troy's front door with a chainsaw.]
Servo: It's open!
. . .
Crow [as henchman]: Can I interest you in a replacement door?
Servo: It's open!
. . .
Crow [as henchman]: Can I interest you in a replacement door?
[One of the credits for the cameramen is listed as SFX Camera .]
Joel: Sex cameraman? Is this a...
Servo: No, no, no... S-F-X, Joel.
Joel: Sex cameraman? Is this a...
Servo: No, no, no... S-F-X, Joel.
[One of the four young women plays with little kids, in preparation for motherhood]
Joel [as little girl]: ...WHAT? We have to be subjugated to men?!
Joel [as little girl]: ...WHAT? We have to be subjugated to men?!
[One of the girls is in her room, practicing her posture, when she notices her clown doll Bombo slumping on the dresser.]
Narrator: Doesn't Bombo look tired?
Crow: Yes, very much so.
[The girl makes the doll sit upright.]
Joel [as Bombo]: No, no, no, no! MY SPINE! AAAUUUGGGHHH!!!
[Servo makes broken spine noises]
Narrator: Doesn't Bombo look tired?
Crow: Yes, very much so.
[The girl makes the doll sit upright.]
Joel [as Bombo]: No, no, no, no! MY SPINE! AAAUUUGGGHHH!!!
[Servo makes broken spine noises]
[One of the pod people comes upon two hunters in the woods.]
Hunter #1: What the hell is that?
Hunter #2: I don't know...it looks like a cross between a pig and a bear!
Crow: A pear?
Hunter #1: What the hell is that?
Hunter #2: I don't know...it looks like a cross between a pig and a bear!
Crow: A pear?
[One of the robots doing Gumby's yardwork drives its lawnmower through the fence into the next yard.]
Crow: Hey, don't! That's Wallace and Gromit's yard!
[Another robot chops down a tree.]
Mike: Hey! That's old-growth clay!
. . .
[Another robot is ripping slats from the garage.]
Crow: Habitat Against Humanity.
Crow: Hey, don't! That's Wallace and Gromit's yard!
[Another robot chops down a tree.]
Mike: Hey! That's old-growth clay!
. . .
[Another robot is ripping slats from the garage.]
Crow: Habitat Against Humanity.
[opening credits roll along shot of desktop with a phone, gun, & smoldering cigarette]
Crow: [excited] Oh, wow! I bet this guy's so cool! He smokes, carries a gun, and... [deflating] makes a lot of... phone calls...
Crow: [excited] Oh, wow! I bet this guy's so cool! He smokes, carries a gun, and... [deflating] makes a lot of... phone calls...
[Otto Frank steps out of the device after showing Mrs. March that the girl's body has been reanimated]
Crow: She's SORT-OF ALIVE!
Crow: She's SORT-OF ALIVE!
[Our helpless "heroes" are instructed to go to "The Tree Of Death" where they will find means to fight back Balleau. Cut to a tree with a jawless skull on it]
Mike [as the skull]: [muffled and sarcastically] Oh, oh, REAL good plan! "Let's go to the Tree Of Death right away!"
Mike [as the skull]: [muffled and sarcastically] Oh, oh, REAL good plan! "Let's go to the Tree Of Death right away!"
[Our hero Maciste (AKA Colossus) returns to find pandemonium: people are running in every direction, large stones falling around, and a volcano erupting.]
Servo [as Maciste]: I leave you alone for one hour--!
Servo [as Maciste]: I leave you alone for one hour--!