[Zoom to close-up of back of Paula's head, then dissolve to same back of head]
Ladies and gentlemen, your screenwriter: Ed Wood.
S6The Violent Years
[After character gets shot in the classroom by police]
She died like she lived... failing algebra.
[Several spinning newspaper headlines are shown after the male rape scene. Everybody starts making up headlines]
CCrow
Refuses to Press Charges!
Says: "ThankYouThankYouThankYouThankYou!"
Hundreds of Men Flock to Crime Scene!
[Police car is searching for the girl gang]
Mike [as a cop]: You said you knew where the chase was!
Crow [as a cop]: No, you said you knew where it was!
Mike [as a cop]: Well, I never!
JJudge
Some people think that newspapers exaggerate juvenile crime...
We don't! Can we go?
[Tom Servo shows off his new ventriloquist dummy head to Mike, Crow, and Gypsy, terrifying them badly.]
Ta-da!
WHOA!!
Crow : [horrified] WHOA, WHOA!!! [Crow sobs loudly and uncontrollably]
Pretty impressive! Hey folks! I tell ya, I feel like a new man!
[horrified] I FEEL ILL!!! [Gypsy leaves out of disgust and horror]
I know what you’re thinking. Cary Grant, right? I could see that, sure! Maybe even a little touch of Seinfeld? Ha, ha, ha, you know I'm weighing several new career options, fellas. Politics, TV news, I'm even considering franchising the look, he-he, maybe a series of infomercials. Hey kids, you gotta get ahead? get a head!
Ha ha ha ha... GET HIM! [Mike attempts to pounce on Servo and rip the dummy head off while Crow continues wailing and screaming]
[Mike and Crow are reenacting the gas station hold-up from movie, confusing Tom and Gypsy.]
Oh, what are they doin'?
I think they're recreating the gas station hold up from the movie.
Oh...
[Crow and Mike stand very still, not moving. Gypsy yawns]
Uh, Tom?
Huh?
Was it exciting in the movie?
Nope.
Well, was it funny?
Nope.
Oh, well, uh, maybe we'd better read a letter, huh?
S6Last of the Wild Horses
[On the SOL Bridge, Mike has just explained that he reprogrammed the 'bots to have different regional speech patterns.]
So, Crow, before we go to the show, would you like to have Coke?
CCrow
Uh sure, I'll have a root beer.
I said Coke.
CCrow
I know, I'll have a root beer.
All I have is Coke.
CCrow
Oh, then Forget it, I'll just use the bubbler.
Okay. Huh?
CCrow
Oh, uh, by the way, what show are we seeing? I thought we were going to a movie.
We are.
CCrow
And a show?
No!
CCrow
Then why did you say we're going to a show?
Because we are!
CCrow
What show?
Awakenings.
CCrow
That's a movie!
I know! [sighs] Are you going to come with?
CCrow
Come with what?
Me, Crow, me! Are you going to come with me?!
CCrow
Yeah, but I'm a little low, could you borrow me some money?
Wait a minute, okay, I think that's enough. You know, there's a difference between regionalism and just plain stupidity.
CCrow
But Mike, irregardless of that fact...
. . .
CCrow
So what time's dinner?
Noon okay?
CCrow
But that's lunch!
Lunch, dinner, same thing.
[The Mad's light flashes]
Oh, something's flashing over to the whatsit there.
CCrow
Ooh, the blinker!
[Due to an ion storm, Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank have switched places with Mike and the Bots. They enter the theater.]
TSTV's Frank
Aren't you gonna carry me into the theater?
Frank, you're getting too big for that!
TSTV's Frank
Aw, it's my favorite part!
[During the beginning credits, two men are fighting.]
You lost the last of the wild horses, you dink!
. . .
[The credits identify Albert Glasser as the film's score composer.]
Ah, Albert Glasser, the man who straps you down and pummels you with music!
[As boss-murderer Riley approaches, Remedy rides off, accidentally dropping a letter revealing Riley's guilt.]
MAMike [as Storyteller]
Ungodly coincidences of the Old West.
[Riley turns to one of his henchmen.]
RRiley
He dropped something. See what it is.
CACrow [as Riley]
It's a plot device. It's very flimsy, so be careful.
[During the barn fight, Duke knocks Riley over into the hay.]
MAMike [as Riley]
Ooh! Found the needle!
[Duke and Riley tumble out of the loft and hit the floor of the barn.]
I fought the loft and the loft won.
[reacting to the alternate versions' of Frank and Forrester performing "Joey the Lemur"] THIS IS WORSE THAN I EVER IMAGINED HAVING MY WORST NIGHTMARE ABOUT!
This is horrible; there are no lemurs in this movie! [flees while he and Gypsy scream in horror]
SServo (Mirror)
[being restrained by Mike] I.... ORDER YOUUUU!!! LET ME GOOOO!!! You traitorous pigs! What's going on?! Where's my personal guard?! Ha ha ha, alright Mike, whatever your game is, I'll play it, mister.
Apparently, some sort of transposition has taken place.
CCrow
Extremely interesting, Plankton- I have no idea why I said that.
Anyway, we gotta get him inside the theater. [begins to pull him offscreen]
CCrow
I'll get his feet.
SServo (Mirror)
What is it that will buy you?! Power?! I can get that for you! Money?! Credits?! Name it! NAME IIIT!!!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.