[The movie opens with a flamboyant Satan speaking to the viewers.]
Satan, the Prince of Cabaret.
. . .
This guy was never in heaven, he was cast out of community theater!
S8The Undead
[Quintus is hypnotizing Diana. A bust of Benjamin Franklin looks over his shoulder.]
QQuintus
We breathe as one. We are one.
SAServo [as Franklin]
You know, early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.
QQuintus
When I touch you…
CACrow [as Quintus]
I think about myself. No, no, no, wait.
QQuintus
…we will be one.
SAServo [as Quintus]
We'll be me, for convenience' sake.
[As Smolkin the gravedigger slouches around.]
Smolkin's naked sometimes, Mike.
[cringing] Ohh. Damn you, Servo!
[A knight demands to look inside a coffin in a coach being pulled by a gravedigger.]
SAServo [as Knight]
Towest thy vehicle to the curb and showeth me thy driver's license and registration. Did thou knowest how fast thou was driving?
[Satan explains to Quintus how he cannot return to his own time.]
SSatan
Thy voyage to this age was down a long, long road…
CACrow [as Satan]
Route 666!
SSatan
…that tied Diana to Helen. It was a road from living mind to living mind.
MAMike [as Satan]
…to sleeping audience.
. . .
SSatan
Here you are fixed! Make of a local life what comfort, sport, and joy thou may.
[singing to "God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen"] O-ho, tidings of comfort, sport, and joy!
[Quintus sets upon and subdues an unprepared knight.]
MAMike [as Knight]
[in stilted "medieval" grammar that parodies the knight's own dialogue] Me help! Attacked I am being! Hitting me stop you must! God dear! Bleeding am I! Break my leg think I did you!
I've never known more about what isn't going on in a movie.
QQuintus
STAAY!!
[The opening credits list Roger Corman as the film's director.]
That's it, we're doomed.
[Smolkin grabs a clearly modern shovel.]
Apparently there were Hardware Hanks during the middle ages.
MAMike [as Ray Szmanda]
Gettest thou a cemetery full of savings at Menards!
[a knight confronts Smolkin]
KKnight
Do you jest with me, gravedigger?
SSmolkin
Again, I cannot say- I am mad; and therefore cannot tell a jest from a joust.
[of Smolkin] Digs graves and plays with your mind!
CCrow
[as Smolkin] And would thoust get me a Mad Magazine?
[as Smolkin] I have to watch Mad About You tonight!
S8Terror from the Year 5000
{Two scientists are looking at a statue of unknown origin]:
S1Scientist 1
Now there's an interesting sample!
CCrow
Now there's an interesting line read!
S1Scientist 1
What is it?
S2Scientist 2
Don't know yet.
Remember, when making a dramatic film, be sure to use genuine actors.
CClaire
I thought scientists were great explorers of the unknown.
HDr. Hedges
I'll do my exploring in the laboratory, if you don't mind.
SAServo [as Hedges]
I get my kicks above the waistline, sunshine! [N]
All these random scenes simply abut each other to form a movie.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.