[The werewolf approaches a high school gymnast as she practices.]
Crow: Time for your compulsory Being-Eaten routine!
. . .
[The dark-haired gymnast screams in terror.]
Crow: Judy Garland runs out of pills.

[The werewolf prowls the woods during an amazingly bright night.]
Servo: Well, they couldn't shoot at night because the night belongs to Michelob.
Mike: I thought the night belonged to love.
Servo: Yeah, it did, but it was bought out by Michelob.

[The witch Louhi spreads her arms outward, her cloak fluttering in the wind.]
Servo: Ladies and gentlemen, the Swedish Moses of Soul!

[The wives, clad in white, diaphanous robes, are fighting each other.]
Crow: Well, the talks broke down at this point.
Servo: Looks like the Russian Parliament.
Joel [as Announcer]: Next on ESPN, full contact nightgown wrestling!
Crow: Designing Women, the lost episodes.
Servo [as Prof. Canning]: And now, the Manos Women's Guild will reenact the Battle of Pearl Harbor.
Joel: You know, this was the alternate ending to Beaches.
Crow: I see London, I see France, I see everybody's underpants!
. . .
Servo: You know, this isn't Lysistrata. I like it, but it isn't Lysistrata!
. . .
Joel:You know after this they're gonna laugh and cry and pierce each others ears.
. . .
Crow: It's the Wilson Phillips breakup.
. . .
Servo: I'm guessing this is the whole reason this movie was made.

[The woman removes a birthday cake from a futuristic oven.]
Woman: My cake is ready.
Mike: I call no way!
Servo: Uh-uh. Candles and everything...
Crow: Happy Birthday, Wanda June.

[The young people run to the village center to celebrate Lemminkäinen's return after destroying their Sampo to keep it from the witch.]
Servo [as Villager]: Huzzah, everyone! Did you hear there is no Sampo?
Crow [as Villager]: Yah, it's really too bad.
Joel [as Villager]: No Sampo, eh? Bummer.
Servo [as Villager]: Let us be gay, for he is a dickweed.
[The village women, holding hands, dance in a great circle.]
Crow [as Villager]: I'm so glad it's a dry celebration! It's so much more fun than the kegger would have been!
[Now the young men and women of the village dance in a ring, while Joel and the Bots sing.]
Servo [as Villager]: He failed to bring back the Sampo!
Joel, Crow [as Villagers]: Sampo!
Servo [as Villager]: We shall die of starvation!
Joel, Crow [as Villagers]: Sampo!

[There is a long scene of continuous knocking at the door]
Mike: Martin Luther is nailing each thesis individually.

[There's some kind of audible fuzz on the soundtrack]
Servo: Is someone purring?
[Crow looks around for a bit.]

[Thor holds Derek at gunpoint.]
Thor: Before the high court has you executed, you should be made to watch what happens when we return here with the gargans! By the elements alone, they will grow to millions of times their original size in less time than it takes for the sun to rise and fall."
Crow T. Robot: You mean a day?

[Three Metalunans are seen in the conversion tubes.]
Crow: Ladies and gentlemen, A Flock of Seagulls.

[Three of the space program's staff head toward the crash site in a flatbed truck.]
Servo: This is back when NASA was family-owned and operated.
Crow [as JFK]: Before this decade is out, we will put a man in a pickup truck, and bring him safely to Mendocino County.
Servo: It's great how they can run the space program, and then sell corn from their flatbed truck.

[Three trumpet shells are shown, with someone behind them.]
Joel: Come on now, watch the red man. Watch for the red man, you're wrong.

[Throughout the film, Mike and the bots discuss alternate names for its muscular hero]
Crow: Slab Bulkhead!
Servo: Fridge Largemeat!
Mike: Punt Speedchunk!
Crow: Butch Deadlift!
Crow: Bold Bigflank!
Mike: Splint Chesthair!
Mike: Flint Ironstag!
Crow: Bolt Vanderhuge!
Mike: Thick McRunfast!
Mike: Blast Hardcheese!
Crow: Buff Drinklots!
Servo: Trunk Slamchest!
Crow: Fist Rockbone!
Mike: Stump Beefknob!
Servo: Smash Lampjaw!
Crow: Punch Rockgroin!
Mike: Buck Plankchest!
Crow: Stump Chunkmen!
Servo: Dirk Hardpec!
Mike: Rip Steakface!
Crow: Slate Slabrock!
Servo: Crud Bonemeal!
Crow: Rip Slagcheek!
Servo: Punch Sideiron!
Mike: Gristle McThornbody!
Crow: Slate Fistcrunch!
Mike: Buff Hardback!
Servo: Bob Johnson! Oh, wait...
Servo: Blast Thickneck!
Crow: Crunch Buttsteak!
Mike: Slab Squatthrust!
Servo: Lump Beefbroth!
Crow: Touch Rustrod!
Mike: Reef Blastbody!
Mike: Big McLargeHuge!
Mike: Smoke ManMuscle!
Servo: Eat Punchbeef!
Mike: Hack Blowfist!
Mike: Roll Fizzlebeef!

[Tim flees from his violent, drunken stepfather (played by Russell Johnson), but is finally caught.]
Crow: Whooh. Imagine having your butt whooped by "And The Rest"!

[Tim is walking around shirtless]
Crow: Geez, kid, do a push-up.