[A Corporal at the Arctic base acts like he's having a nervous breakdown after Marge Blaine appears.]
CCrow
Yeah, I think this guy's familiar with dishonorable discharge.
S8The Deadly Mantis
[The rather effeminate-looking General Ford explains to the media that the mantis is real]
GFGeneral Ford
I want to say at the outset that, contrary to rumor and certain newspaper headlines...
CACrow [as Ford]
I'm not gay!
CACrow [as Col. Parkman]
But I've got a mantis in my pantis.
Are we in the Southern portion of the Galaxy?
CCrow
[after Mike had accidentally caused the destruction of the future ape-ruled Earth] I felt a disturbance; as if millions of monkeys suddenly cried out and then were silenced.
[mournfully] Yes; the Earth has been destroyed.
[as Movie Sign blares] No, even worse than that; we've got Movie Sign!
[as Dr. Jackson gets a phone call]
NJDr. Nedrick Jackson
This is Dr. Jackson. ... General Ford?
CACrow [as Dr. Jackson]
General Tennessee Ernie Ford?
NJDr. Nedrick Jackson
... Yes.
SAServo [as Dr. Jackson]
Well, try lancing it.
NJDr. Nedrick Jackson
I see, General. Of course sir, I'll be right over.
MAMike [as Dr. Jackson]
General wants another foot massage.
MBMarge Blaine
Everything alright?
NJDr. Nedrick Jackson
Of course.
SAServo [as Dr. Jackson]
They just demoted me to the gift shop.
MBMarge Blaine
Well, it isn't every day the Pentagon calls you.
CACrow [as Dr. Jackson]
It is so!
NJDr. Nedrick Jackson
Very nosey.
MBMarge Blaine
Okay, be mysterious.
MAMike [as Marge]
I'll just hang up your coat, and hate you.
NJDr. Nedrick Jackson
Well, if I tell you, you'll keep it a secret?
MBMarge Blaine
Hope to die.
NJDr. Nedrick Jackson
They found an old bone up at the north pole.
CCrow
[as Marge says nothing] Mrs. Bert Lahr.
NJDr. Nedrick Jackson
The Pentagon wants to know to whom it belongs. [leaves]
SAServo [as Dr. Jackson]
Oh, and we've been invaded by Spain, and mermaids are real. Bye!
S8The Thing That Couldn't Die
[The movie opens with the title: The Thing That Couldn't Die.]
The Strom Thurmond Story!
Couldn't die or wouldn't die?
CCrow
Shouldn't?
[Jessica demonstrates her dowsing talent by telling the guests where to find Linda's missing watch.]
JJessica
You can find the watch in a trade rat's nest.
A trade rat?
JJessica
Look at the base of oak tree beside Linda's cabin.
SAServo [as Jessica]
…in Maine.
You know, the country needs skilled trade rats.
[Linda puts the found watch up against her ear.]
MAMike [as Linda]
The rats put in a new crystal!
It still runs.
SAServo [as John Cameron Swayze]
John Cameron Trade-Rat.
[Later, Gordon gives Linda a charm he found near the watch.]
GGordon
Here, I polished this for you. We found it in the trade rat's nest.
MAMike [as Gordon]
He had a little tool and die shop down there.
SAServo [as Gordon]
I think I got most of the rat droppings off it.
[Flavia hears a noise outside the window.]
FFlavia
What's that?
CCrow
Eh, it's just those trade rats working the night shift.
[Boyd the ranch hand slouches around.]
CCrow
[singing] There's a thick yellow stain on my back brace!
[The final shot of the movie, a zoom in on Jessica's necklace and cleavage, fills the screen.]
CCrow
The whole movie was leading up to this shot.
MAMike [as Announcer]
Brought to you by the Breast Council.
SAServo [as Announcer]
Buy breasts where you work or bank!
[The black and white Universal logo appears]
In weather today, the oceans turned black!
S8The Undead
[A fire is being used as a background for the opening credits.]
CCrow
Fire in the projection room! Guess we can't watch the movie!
[Crow darts toward the exit but is restrained by Mike.]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.