Mystery Science Theater 3000 quotes
1930 total quotes[title card features a large X, with Marks the Spot fading in atop it.]
Crow: Marks the Spot? Is that like Mack the Knife?
Joel: No, I think it's about a dog that changed its name.
Crow: Marks the Spot? Is that like Mack the Knife?
Joel: No, I think it's about a dog that changed its name.
[Title card is shown]
Servo: [with monotone sarcasm] Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. That is funny.
Servo: [with monotone sarcasm] Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. That is funny.
[Title of short appears]
Servo: Your last clear chance... for fantastic savings!
Servo: Your last clear chance... for fantastic savings!
[Tolliver, planning a mocking exposé about the slime-people frenzy, leaves the car to find a typewriter in a building.]
Tolliver: Genius waits for no one!
Crow: But stupidity hammers on deserted buildings.
. . .
[Finally encountering the slime people, Tolliver returns, cowering in the car.]
Tolliver: I�� I've never seen anything like it!
Servo: Even in Tijuana!
. . .
[Cal turns around to avoid a crowd of shambling refugees, who then pursue them.]
Joel: Lookit -- they're all on their way to a George Romero film festival!
Tolliver: Genius waits for no one!
Crow: But stupidity hammers on deserted buildings.
. . .
[Finally encountering the slime people, Tolliver returns, cowering in the car.]
Tolliver: I�� I've never seen anything like it!
Servo: Even in Tijuana!
. . .
[Cal turns around to avoid a crowd of shambling refugees, who then pursue them.]
Joel: Lookit -- they're all on their way to a George Romero film festival!
[Tom sneezes violently]
Joel: Bless you!
Crow: Gesundheit.
Joel: You're not supposed to do that...
Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 5 (short) Robot Monster (movie)
Joel: Bless you!
Crow: Gesundheit.
Joel: You're not supposed to do that...
Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 5 (short) Robot Monster (movie)
[Tom Stewart looks angrily at ex-girlfriend Vi, who threatens to show his love letters to his new fiancée Meg.]
Vi: Darling, you look as though you were ready to kill me!
Crow: Bingo!
. . .
[At the top of the abandoned lighthouse, Vi falls through a broken railing and hangs by one hand above the cliff.]
Vi: Help me! Please, Tom, help me!
Servo [as Tom Stewart]: What? Huh? BRRING! BRRING! Oh, honey, telephone's ringing! I gotta go! Bye.
Vi: Save me, Tom, please!
Joel: Well, that's what she gets for railing against him.
Vi: Darling, you look as though you were ready to kill me!
Crow: Bingo!
. . .
[At the top of the abandoned lighthouse, Vi falls through a broken railing and hangs by one hand above the cliff.]
Vi: Help me! Please, Tom, help me!
Servo [as Tom Stewart]: What? Huh? BRRING! BRRING! Oh, honey, telephone's ringing! I gotta go! Bye.
Vi: Save me, Tom, please!
Joel: Well, that's what she gets for railing against him.
[Tommy and Jimmy are writing at a blackboard; Jimmy draws a crude image of a house leaning to one side]
Narrator: Tommy reminds Jimmy--
Joel: Hmm-hmm-hmm, that's you!
Narrator: --when Jimmy stands off-balance.
Crow [as Narrator]: Tears of shame pour down Tommy's face.
Joel [as Jimmy]: Ms. Martin! Tommy drew a bong!
Tom: Heh-heh... what?
Narrator: Tommy reminds Jimmy--
Joel: Hmm-hmm-hmm, that's you!
Narrator: --when Jimmy stands off-balance.
Crow [as Narrator]: Tears of shame pour down Tommy's face.
Joel [as Jimmy]: Ms. Martin! Tommy drew a bong!
Tom: Heh-heh... what?
[Tommy carries a carton of milk upstairs for Trumpy.]
Joel [as Tommy]: Hey, what gives? I'm on the milk carton!
Joel [as Tommy]: Hey, what gives? I'm on the milk carton!
[Tommy drives up as Eegah runs from Roxie's car. Roxie screams.]
Tommy: Roxie! It's me, Tom!
Joel [as Roxie]: That's why I'm screaming! AAAAAAAAA!!!
Tommy: Roxie! It's me, Tom!
Joel [as Roxie]: That's why I'm screaming! AAAAAAAAA!!!
[Tommy shows Trumpy how to work a jigsaw puzzle.]
Tommy: You see? The pieces go together.
Joel: Oh, if only this film were so lucky.
Tommy: You see? The pieces go together.
Joel: Oh, if only this film were so lucky.
[Tommy sings and plays an electric guitar by the motel pool.]
Joel: Man, it looks like it hurts to be him.
Servo [as Motel Staff on Loudspeaker]: Uh, will the gentleman by the pool please discontinue the song? And watch out for snakes.
Joel: Man, it looks like it hurts to be him.
Servo [as Motel Staff on Loudspeaker]: Uh, will the gentleman by the pool please discontinue the song? And watch out for snakes.
[Tony and Koenig watch a video of an "alien" -- a man whose face shows through his pumpkin-shaped and -colored rubber mask.]
Joel: Kind of a jack-o'-lantern monster.
Servo: [deadpan] Ooh, very scary. I'm trembling.
Crow: I think the prop department juuuust ran out of money.
Joel: Kind of a jack-o'-lantern monster.
Servo: [deadpan] Ooh, very scary. I'm trembling.
Crow: I think the prop department juuuust ran out of money.
[Tony has finished yelling at Arlene for asking an innocent question]
Mike [as Arlene]: ...and I like you because...?
Tony: I'm sorry, Arlene. I don't know why I act like this.
Crow [as Arlene]: Because you're a jerk?
Mike [as Arlene]: ...and I like you because...?
Tony: I'm sorry, Arlene. I don't know why I act like this.
Crow [as Arlene]: Because you're a jerk?
[Tony punches through an attic roof, which crumbles easily.]
Mike: Luckily they made their house out of peanut brittle.
Mike: Luckily they made their house out of peanut brittle.