[Establishing shot of the institutional-looking church]
Visit your government church!
First Federal Church, member FDIC.
S6Are You Ready for Marriage? (short)
S6High School Big Shot (movie)
[Teacher Mr. Carter is discussing "Hamlet"]
CMr. Carter
At this point, Hamlet picks up the skull of Yorick and delivers a famous speech. Now, to whom was this speech delivered?
CACrow [as student]
Uh, Richard Dawson.
MAMike [as student]
Fred Sanford?
SAServo [as student]
Uh, Larry Hovis.
[Mr. Carter notices Vince flirting with Betty]
CMr. Carter
Vince, would you mind answering the question, please?
MAMike [as Vince]
Look at your mouth, you got such a funny little...
CMr. Carter
VINCE!
CACrow [as Vince]
Uh, nipples.
I'm more held by the question of Hamlet's madness, sir.
I'm sorry, Mr. Carter. Would you repeat the question, please?
CMr. Carter
To whom was Hamlet's favorite graveside speech delivered?
I don't know, man. I didn't catch the name and address on the envelope. [the class laughs]
CACrow [as Mr. Carter]
Mr. Malph, please.
[Mr. Carter is talking to Marv after class.]'
CMr. Carter
Have you given any more thought to college? The term's gonna be over in a week, you know.
SAServo [as Mr. Carter]
You're 28. You should graduate.
[Cash-strapped Marv and his father are both getting ready for their dates.]
CCrow
You know, maybe if they sold off one of those Tiffany lamps, then...
GMr. Grant
Oh, by the way, I think I'm gonna have a job next week.
MMarv
Really?
GMr. Grant
Yup. I met a guy today who's sure he can put me on full time.
MAMike [as Mr. Grant]
Yup. I'm going to sell my plasma door to door.
[Marv and Betty are on their date, walking the street.]
CACrow [as Betty]
So, are we going to walk the alleys all night?
MMarv
I'm sorry, Betty, honest.
Oh, that's okay. At least it was a good movie.
SAServo [as Betty]
I've never walked to a drive-in before.
Marv It's just that I, well, I had to give some money to Pop--
Oh, just forget it. I'm having a lovely time.
MMarv
Betty.
MAMike [as Marv]
Can I sniff your bra?
MMarv
I've got almost a dollar left. Would you like to have a Coke?
I'd love it.
CACrow [as Betty]
Thanks a lot, Adnan Khashoggi.
[Cut to a diner.]
Tonight only: Cokes, a dollar ten.
[Vince confronts Betty, who just got Marv to write her term paper.]
Oh, Vince.
CACrow [as Betty]
Will you write a paper for me?
What's with you? [brief pause]
Rebooting.
With me and Marv?
SAServo [as Vince]
Come on, I can't hold this face much longer!
Oh, you can't be serious.
Look, you were with him. You went out with him instead of me!
CACrow [as Betty]
He had three dollars!
But, honey, I just wanted him to write my term paper.
MAMike [as Vince]
Would he write mine if I kissed him?
. . .
MAMike [as Betty]
Now would you write my shop project?
CCrow
All of this because of a strict English teacher.
[As the film ends, almost everyone has been shot dead or just arrested.]
CACrow [as Cop]
Should we just leave the dead guys there?
MAMike [as Cop]
Eh, the crows'll get 'em.
CCrow
This is the PTA reminding you to always do your homework.
You know, in light of this, cheating on the paper wasn't that big a deal.
[The cast list scrolls by.]
SAServo [as a TV announcer]
Coming up next on Nick at Nite, one of the original black and white I Dream Of Jeannie episodes, then F Troop, next on Nick At Nite.
CCrow
Filmed before a live audience.
MAMike [as Eva Gabor]
This has been a Filmways presentation, dahling.
S6Speech: Platform Posture and Appearance (short)
[as person slouching while making a speech] Women be different than men!
S6Red Zone Cuba (movie)
CCrow
[as the owner of a secluded diner] I am the Dark Specter of Food.
[The antiheroes make some purchases at a seedy-looking mom-and-pop store while some inappropriately cheerful music plays on the soundtrack.]
MAMike [as Store Clerk]
Would you like a video? We have some super-violent, Asian, triple-X cartoons!
[as store clerk while the trio leaves] Thanks for not killing me; right neighborly of ya!
[Griffin is finally gunned down and dies]
CCrow
And when Curly dies, he feeds other Curlys in the wild.
[a police officer looks over Griffin and muses to himself]
OOfficer
[Griffin] ran all the way to Hell, with a penny and a broken cigarette.
Which is really all you need in Hell, so it works out great.
S6Progress Island U.S.A. (short)
[Over shots of tropical flowers.]
Hibiscus and bougainvillea flourish throughout the year.
As do puppincolakaplookey and flingulahlaylahflinglulalah.
[Shots of Puerto Ricans working on electronic equipment.]
A skilled workforce makes Puerto Rico the largest manufacturer of many computers, and a leader in solid-state technology.
[Focus on an old-fashioned computer.]
Things with blinky buttony-type things.
S7The Brute Man
[Over the short's title screen.]
CCrow
The Bill Clinton Story!
The chicken of tomorrow in a deadly battle against the chicken of today!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.