Monkey Dust quotes

It's midnight. You left the office at 6 o'clock. [sigh] Where have you been, Clive?

Ah. The evening I've had, honestly. I was driving home and I was just overcome with tiredness and I saw this light up ahead, so I just stopped, you know, to rest my eyes, and there was this woman came out with a candle and she showed me into this courtyard where all these boys were dancing. It was an amazing place. Ah, there were mirrors on the ceiling and pink champagne on ice. Well, I said I'd stay for a drink and the captain brought me my wine. It was actually a bottle they'd had since the late sixties. They offered me a room, in fact, but I said, "No, I've got to get home" and they said I could check out whenever I liked but I could never leave. Anyway, so I stayed for dinner in the master's chambers and we all had a stab at the meal with our steely knives but we just couldn't kill the beast. And that, darling, is what really happened.

That's actually the plot of Hotel California by the Eagles. Where have you been, Clive?

[eyes downcast] I've been spit roasting a hooker with your dad.

Hello, I'm Ivan Dobsky. I'm the Meatsafe Murderer, only I never done it but I said I did. I had to, otherwise they'd have put me head back down the toilet.

There's somethin' called "D" an' "A" and he knows I never done it.

Hello, I'm Ivan Dobsky. I'm the Meatsafe Murderer, only I never done it. I had to say that I did so they'd take the truncheon out of me bottom, only there's these two nice men called "D" an' "A" and they know that I never done it and they've told everyone. Can I have a quarter of a pound of cola cubes, please?

I can suck off a complete stranger in a public toilet!

I know what we should call him. How about Jacoby?

[thinking] What?

That's nice, although I had rather set my heart on Hugo.

[thinking] Hugo? Hugo?! You fucking twat!

Then again, we could name him after my grandfather, Thursby.

[thinking] You absolute fucking tosser! They will beat me like a Chipperfield monkey!

No, I know what's nice.

[thinking] Dave! Steve! Chris! Steve! Dave! Anything!

Hercules!

[thinking] Oh, that's a good idea - if I want to be a fucking gladiator!

The classical touch is nice, but how about Archimedes?

[thinking] How about "Fucking Gaylord" and be done with it!

i'm going to to a funfair in the park on sat. we can meet there if you like

wizard!! how will i recognize you?? [orgasmic sigh, wipes pilchard juice on undershirt]

i'll be with my dad. In his cheif [sic] inspector's uniform. it's a police charity funfair, over 2000 police are comming [sic].

[groan] i've just remembered i have to stay in and listen to the goons.

Wow, this is great!

Okay, fun's over. Time to go and see your dad.

Who's it from?

Well, judging by the perfume and the feminine hand, I'd say it's from a certified lunatic.

Yippee!

I never done it! I only said I done it so they'd take the rat out of my anus!

I am the Paedo-Finder General, and you are Mrs Jenkins, a paedophile!

On what basis?

[holds up photo] On the basis of these pornographic images taken with your camera of a naked infant!

That's my baby, Jacob. I became a mother last week!

So! You confess that for nine months you imprisoned a naked child in your stomach before forcing him backwards through your genitalia for your own sick amusement!

Well, that's how all babies are born!

Enough! By the powers invested in me by tabloid-reading imbeciles, I pronounce you guilty of paedophilia! [Takes a giant pair of scissors and gruesomely chops off her head]

Now is the time to be strong in our resolve. It must be... Del Boy.

Is that our Shafiq at the terror training camp? Tell him to tidy his bunk and thank whoever's in charge for having him.

I'm not dead! I've just had too much botox!

I never done it!

As a famous comedian, I resent the implication that I'm any less qualified to perform this task than a fully trained professional!