Paedo-Finder General quotes from Monkey Dust

By the power invested in me by that bloke I met in the pub who knew for definite, I find your sort... guilty of paedophilia.

A 99?! Like a 69, but thirty worse!

I am the Paedo-Finder General, and you are Mrs Jenkins, a paedophile!

On what basis?

[holds up photo] On the basis of these pornographic images taken with your camera of a naked infant!

That's my baby, Jacob. I became a mother last week!

So! You confess that for nine months you imprisoned a naked child in your stomach before forcing him backwards through your genitalia for your own sick amusement!

Well, that's how all babies are born!

Enough! By the powers invested in me by tabloid-reading imbeciles, I pronounce you guilty of paedophilia! [Takes a giant pair of scissors and gruesomely chops off her head]

Your gayness condemns you; it is written in stone.

Where?

On the wall behind the bus station - I carved it there myself; I have seen it with mine own eyes!