Mike quotes from Mike & Molly

Mike

[At the opera with Molly] God, where is John Wilkes Booth when you need him?

Mike

[to Molly after sneezing in the car] Here's a million dollar idea. Windshield wipers on the *in* side.

Mike

[Speaking of Carl's frugality] Unfortunately, your wallet and your pants are like Superman and Clark Kent: never in the same place at the same time.

Mike

[at a restaurant] How's your snapper?

Molly

[loopy on cold medicine] Fine. How's your penis?

Mike

I'm alright, Nana. How are you?

Grandma

Oh, I'm right with my savior and tight with my bookie!

Mike

She was showing off and speaking in different languages.

Grandma

You mean in tongues like the Pentecostals?

Mike

No, like French and German and Shakespeare.

Grandma

Oh good, 'cuz I've been to a tent revival and that mess will put you off Jesus!

Mike

[Molly asked what Carl is doing in Mike's apartment with the door chain locked] He's probably in there doin' some broad.

Molly

[Punches Mike's shoulder] Mike, that's disgusting!

Mike

Sorry. He's in there making sweet love to some broad.

Molly

[Punches him again] So, you're telling me right now he's in there having sex on our bed?

Mike

I don't think so. Carl likes to stand and deliver.

Mike

Look at me, Carl. It's the 9th inning and I have not had *one* hotdog!

You want everything on it, big guy?

Mike

Walk away! Walk away! Walk away!

Mike

Carl, you're my best friend in the world, but you're a hot head and a loud mouth.

That's just when we have to play good cop, bad cop.

Mike

It's actually more [placing his hand on his chest] embarrassed cop, and [waving his hand towards Carl] source of embarrassment cop.

Mike

Molly, it's 2:00 a.m.

Molly

Already?

Mike

You can't do this every night.

Molly

But I want to.

Mike

Come on. You're pregnant. You need to get your sleep.

Molly

I like watching him. Oh. I can't believe all this is happening.

Mike

I can. I've known it since the first time I saw you.

Molly

Mike.

Mike

I'm serious. I said, "That is the woman I am going to marry and spend the rest of my life with."

Molly

What about the cramped house full of mental patients?

Mike

That I didn't see coming. But I wouldn't change a thing.

Molly

Not a thing.

I love you.

Molly

Oh. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

La-la-ba-dee-dah, la-la-ba-dee-dah. For the first time in my life, I see love.