[High after smoking a joint] Has it been a long time since I've talked?
All S1
Characters
MikeBilly Gardell · 10 quotes
MollyMelissa McCarthy · 8 quotes
JoyceSwoosie Kurtz · 4 quotes
GrandmaCleo King · 3 quotes
VictoriaKaty Mixon · 3 quotes
Most scenes together: Mike & Molly (3), Mike & Grandma (2), Molly & Joyce (2)
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Wait a second, you're dating my mother?
VVince
Hey, old soup is still good if you heat it up.
[at a restaurant] How's your snapper?
[loopy on cold medicine] Fine. How's your penis?
I'm alright, Nana. How are you?
Oh, I'm right with my savior and tight with my bookie!
She was showing off and speaking in different languages.
You mean in tongues like the Pentecostals?
No, like French and German and Shakespeare.
Oh good, 'cuz I've been to a tent revival and that mess will put you off Jesus!
Look, I have no interest in pouring hot wax on my lady business and ripping all the hair out.
Eighteen months, four days, five hours, sweetie. I can have that wax heated up lickity split.
And then he can get at it lickity split.
All right, maybe a little off the sides. But we should probably have a safe word.
Well, I always just scream 'Ouch, my hoo ha!'
I know he's not your father, but he treats me like a queen. And you can crack walnuts on his johnson.
[talking to Vince, Joyce and Victoria] Somebody has to go out there and talk to Mike's mom.
I'll do it.
[slight pause] Weird thing is, you were my first choice.
[Molly asked what Carl is doing in Mike's apartment with the door chain locked] He's probably in there doin' some broad.
[Punches Mike's shoulder] Mike, that's disgusting!
Sorry. He's in there making sweet love to some broad.
[Punches him again] So, you're telling me right now he's in there having sex on our bed?
I don't think so. Carl likes to stand and deliver.
Mike's taking me to "La Boheme"
The opera? Have you told him that Elmer Fudd isn't in it?
[At the opera with Molly] God, where is John Wilkes Booth when you need him?
[to Molly after sneezing in the car] Here's a million dollar idea. Windshield wipers on the *in* side.
[Speaking of Carl's frugality] Unfortunately, your wallet and your pants are like Superman and Clark Kent: never in the same place at the same time.
[Admonishing Carl] You're going to apologize because it's the Christian thing to do. And if you don't, I'm gonna part your behind like it's the Red Sea and my foot is Moses.
When I die, pull out the stops; I want to look peaceful but do-able.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mike & Molly pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.