Jonathan Higgins quotes from Magnum, P.I.

Magnum

Higgins, we are talking about saving my life.

Higgins

What is that, compared to saving an entire species?

Magnum

Of worms?!

Higgins

I rest my case.

Higgins

This morning I came to a startling and horrifying realization. Since your arrival at Robin's Nest, you have insidiously eroded away my sense of diligence. Security has fallen completely apart. The grounds are in a terrible state of neglect. This guest house should be condemned.

Magnum

It doesn't look so bad.

Higgins

The estate is completely overrun with your good-for-nothing friends, sleazy clients and unexpected guests.

Magnum

That is not true!

Hi Thomas. The gate was open, so I just came on in.

Got anything to drink?

Higgins

Certainly not. And I demand an explanation.

Okay, General, just don't slug me, too.

Rick

Go ahead, Higgins, belt him if you want.

Higgins

My God, what is that odor?

T.C.

Higgie-baby, you're talking about my Aunt Rola's original, Creole flaming, bayou blasting chilli. Wanna try a little taste?

Higgins

Not without a paramedic in attendance.

I don't understand you, you think you're going to a summer camp?

Magnum

I think I got it in the right perspective, it's just a farm – I'm gonna do a little manual labor, and watch a lot of TV.

Higgins

Well at least you have experience in one of the two. [pauses] Be careful.

Magnum

This isn't a war you know. I mean, once nature sets it's course, you can't do anything to stop it.

Higgins

You can if you're British!

Magnum

Tell me a story. The "Gunga Din Story"!

Higgins

For god sake Magnum, this is hardly the time!...

Magnum

If you're Higgins, anytime is the time! The "Gunga Din Story" now!

Higgins

Malaysia, 1943. Our regiment was hopelessly outnumbered and faced certain death. In our ranks was a young Lt. Ian Bowerly and during a lull in the battle he recited Gunga Din. I suppose to keep up our courage in face of the inevitable. His eloquent recitation grew increasingly louder until it thundered through the jungle. To our amazement, the Japanese troops walked forward. Although they spoke no English they were entranced by the poem. They allowed us all to leave the area unharmed except for poor Mr. Bowerly. As we made our escape we could hear him reciting other Kipling favorites, literally for miles. To this day, his fate remains unknown.

Magnum

Thank you. I believe your half brother is going to assassinate the president of Costa De Rosa.

Magnum

No no no, you're laughing, because you're trapped. You have never laughed like this. Now admit it. You've spent all these years pretending to be Robin's employee because you didn't want anybody to know that you write cheap pulp novels.

Higgins

And who, may I ask, is the man we know and address as Robin Masters?

Magnum

I don't know, some little guy with a voice like Orson Wells and a body like Truman Capote, that you hired to pose as Robin. And it was very interesting casting. You weren't satisfied with de nom de plume, you developed this whole persona, to create the kind of playboy you envisioned writing cheap pulp, so 'you' could devote yourself to serious writing.

Higgins

Why didn't you do that before now?

Magnum

Because I didn't want to waste a bullet. If it is Nahli playing the games, we may need it. [He climbs up and looks through the hatch]

Higgins

Magnum, are you certain it was a Mr. Bill Nahli you were to meet here?

Magnum

[sees a rat on top of the elevator] A rat!

Higgins

I didn't ask for your opinion of his character. Just tell me if you're sure that's who you were to meet; Nahli, N-A-H-L-I?

Magnum

Yes, and I just saw an R-A-T that could eat Rhode Island.

Magnum

Is there anybody you haven't known, or anything you haven't done?

Higgins

You're calling me a liar again.

Magnum

I'm calling you an exaggerator. Your memoirs read like a bad novel. Not that it's bad writing. No, it's kind of exciting ... very imaginative, very professional; not like that cheap pulp that Robin writes.

Higgins

How dare you!

Magnum

I was just quoting you. You're the one that's always saying that Robin's writing is cheap.

Higgins

I never said cheap! It's just not serious writing. That's the only real difference between the memoirs and the novels.

Magnum

"The" memoirs? "The" novels?

Higgins

I was using the article the to compare the works rather than the writers.

Magnum

Sure. Just how much writing have you done, Higgins?

(on TV) An Island Hoppers spokesman has now quoted as saying that foul play is not suspected.

Higgins

What idiot would give out such a ludicrous statement?

T.C.

The same idiot that claims to be my spokesman!

(a con artist who looks like Mac from Seasons 1-3, played by the same actor, Jeff MacKay) Well, somebody had to mind the store! I heard the news report on the radio about the shoot--the accident, so well, naturally, my first inclination was to rush to the hospital.

Magnum

Naturally.

Exactly! But then I thought, no, that's just what all his good friends will do and I'd just be in the way. So then, naturally, the next thought that occurred to me was, "Who's looking after T.C.'s business?"

Magnum

So, you just, naturally, rushed on down here and took charge in a moment of crisis.

Exactly! And lucky I did, 'cause when I got here, the place was standing open and crawling with press! But don't worry, these are the last two left and they're just leaving. I handled all of them.

Rick

Like that stupid crap that foul play wasn't suspected?

(shushes) Naturally, I told them foul play wasn't suspected, I'm trying to save T.C.'s image here! I mean, who would want to fly with a guy someone's trying to kill?

Magnum

That's very thoughtful of you, Mac.

Thank you.

Magnum

So, can you empty your pockets and show me your wallet?

I think I'm being insulted.

Magnum

No, just accused, naturally. T.C. always has about $500 in cash in his office for emergencies, now if I walk in there and don't find it...

Well, you won't, because I secured all the cash I found. (Pulls out a wad of bills)

Magnum

I hate that word. Don't say "secured", when you mean "stole".

I secured all the cash. Now if somebody had snuck in there and stolen it while I'm still on the premises, I'd feel pretty silly, now wouldn't I?

Rick

(Takes the wad of bills, starts counting it) What else is missing, Mac?

Nothing! I haven't taken anything from that office, I've only given my time, my creativity, my years of managerial experience...

Magnum

Mac, please leave.

Well, you're welcome! (Walks off in a huff)

Rick

He wouldn't put himself up for a little cash, with this guy, it's always a major angle.

Magnum

Naturally.

Magnum

How come every time there's a crummy job to be done, I'm in charge of security, but every time there's big money to be spent, or credit to be taken, you're in charge?

Higgins

Because that is the order of the universe.