Jonathan Higgins quotes from Magnum, P.I.

Higgins

As you may have noticed, I've fired the groundskeeper. Until I can find a successor, I'd like you to assume some of the responsibilities.

Magnum

But Higgins, I don't know the first thing about gardening!

Higgins

I assure you, the kind of work I had in mind requires no intelligence what so ever.

Magnum

Like what?

Higgins

Like distributing 1500 lbs. of recycled vegetation that was delivered this morning.

Magnum

Recycled vegetation!? What do you mean 'recycled vegetation'? Recycled how?

Higgins

[smiles] Through a cow.

Higgins

[To Rick] A formal complaint has been lodged with you in regarding both unbecoming behavior and flagrant violations of the club's dress code.

Magnum

Oh come on Higgins, I'm clean. I'm on the beach.

Higgins

It's interesting how the guilty party defends himself, even before he's been accused.

Rick

Oh, Thomas is usually accused before there's a complaint...That came out wrong, didn't it?

Higgins

He drove Robin's Ferrari over a cliff?

T.C.

Well, I'm sure he didn't do it on purpose!

Higgins

One can never be sure with Magnum. Well, he'd better survive if he knows what's good for him.

Higgins

[seeing Magnum wearing an old football helmet] Even for you, I find this evening's attire most bizarre. A rough divorce case pending?

Magnum

Higgins--

Higgins

Or is it some exotic fantasy you engage in after the sun goes down. "Win one for the dipper," something or other.

Magnum

Gipper!

Higgins

What?

Magnum

It is Gipper, not dipper!

Higgins

[philosophizing about Magnum's potential death] I know, however desolated I would be, I would also experience a certain catharsis that is singularly missing.

T.C.

Ahh... run that by me again, Higgi-baby. Only this time in English.

Higgins, the dogs are supposed to attack the Sushi Brothers, not Magnum.

Higgins

Sorry, force of habit. It won't happen again.

Magnum

Did T.C. show up?

Higgins

No. But Rick called. I do wish you'd get an answering service.

Magnum

I have one.

Higgins

My point exactly.

Higgins

Sometimes you amaze me, Magnum, truly. Your intuitive grasp of human nature is so...so...

Magnum

Perceptive?

Higgins

Pre-adolescent.

Magnum

Make me a list of the favors I owe you and I'll take care of them.

Higgins

I already have a list. What I don't have is a reason to believe you.

Magnum

Higgins! Higgins! What the hell did you do to my house?!

Higgins

Magnum, old stick, isn't your attire a trifle bizarre, even for you? Even for breakfast?

Magnum

[looks at what he is wearing] My underwear! What happened to my underwear?!

Higgins

Probably another lost and sordid night with a chorus girl from the Kit Kat Club. Please stand down wind, I'm sure you simply reek of cheap rye whiskey!

Magnum

What is this?! What kind of practical joke are you trying to pull?!

Higgins

I? I crazed? My dear fellow, it is not I ranting the lawn in my BVDs! Now I suggest a shower and a pot of black coffee.

Magnum

Okay, Okay! Enough's enough. Oh, I can take a joke. See...I'm smiling, like a good sport.

Higgins

Magnum, in less than 25 minutes the other members of my croquet club will arrive for practice and brunch. This is our last opportunity for strategy and tactics...

Magnum

Croquet?!! You short sheet my whole house and you wanna talk about croquet?!!

Higgins

Well, what with the frightful unemployment with the Depression, despite the commendable efforts of your President Roosevelt...

Magnum

Oh, sure, Higgins! Good ol' FDR! I'm right with ya!

Higgins

The chaps decided that Polo was a bit ostentatious, so we've returned to more Proletariat pursuits. Everybody's going to shoulder more...

Magnum

Enough...Enough!...Enough!!! This is not funny. Okay, okay, you croquet your hearts out, but hear this ultimatum-Immediately! Immediately!! I want my furniture, my phone, and my shorts...!!! ...Back!!!

Magnum

[referring to Higgins' school day beanie] Higgins, you wore this?

Higgins

With pride.

Magnum

Put it on.

Higgins

What?

Magnum

I know your dying to see how it looks.

Higgins

No.

Magnum

OK. I need help with my tie.

Higgins

Magnum, you borrowed my tie?

Magnum

I thought it went with my outfit.

Higgins

None of my things go with yours. And for Pete's sake, a grown man who can't tie his own tie?

Magnum

I want a Double Windsor.

Higgins

Alright. Go over, and over again, and over again.

Magnum

[runs out the door] Thanks Higgins.

Magnum

[Sticks head in the doorway and laughs]

Magnum

[after failing to hit the serve over the net] I'm sorry Rick. I'm a little rusty on the serve. I just gotta get it up a little more, but when I do, it'll be a monster.

T.C.

Not with that follow through.

Magnum

What's wrong with it?

T.C.

You need more extension.

Magnum

I do?

T.C.

Mmm-Hmm

Rick

Try and keep this one on the court will you? We're running out of balls!

Magnum

OK, this one will be in Rick, I promise. I will be just perfect. [starts his serve]

Higgins

Magnum! [Magnum sends the ball straight over the fence]

Magnum

[angry at being paired with Carrie Reardon] I knew it! That's why you paired me with her! To be her babysitter!

Higgins

Call it what you may, I didn't do it, Mr Masters did. Free Rent. Red Ferrari. [Magnum goes quiet] I thought that'd silence you.

T.C.

Somewhere, somehow, I'm going to get you for this. Higgie baby, I can't wait until this is over.

Higgins

T.C., baby, it ain't over until it's over.

Magnum

You had breakfast?

Are you kidding? I haven't eaten anything decent since Cleveland. Except maybe a moldy bear claw.

Magnum

I think I can do better than that.

Higgins

Don't bet on it.