[To the woman who - on orders from a local gangster - set him up for a 'honey trap']
You're a loser, Joni... or whatever your name is. Because you live in fear. And that's not really living at all, is it? See, I don't live in fear. I'm alive.
S1 E4A Conflict of Interests
[Bursting in on Stephen Warren, who is performing an act of oral sex on another man]
I'm not a Catholic me'self Mr Warren, but isn't there something in the Bible about "Thou shalt not suck off rent boys"?
WWarren
How dare you come in here!
You could have said that to the boy.
[Sam Tyler is hand cuffed to his bed, naked]
Morning
Piss off
Well it's not all badminton and golf in Hyde, then eh?
You think you know everything, don't you?
I know the stench of rotten apples.
Yeah? And I know your slag is lying through her teeth and do you wanna know why?
Yeah, why?
Steven Warren is a bum bandit. Do you understand? A poof! A fairy! A queer! A queen! Fudge packer! Uphill Gardener! Fruit picking sodomite!
He's gay?
As a bloody Christmas Tree! Mind you, he is a little touchy on the subject, being a twisted Catholic with an elderly mother and all, so I wouldn't go mentioning it to him... You challenged his authority so he stitched you up like a kipper. Pretty girl appealed to your vanity as the only decent sheriff in Dodge City. Slipped you a Mickey, tied you up and bounced on your ding-a-ling.
Why?
I suspect the answer will lie in the post. Photos, you idiot.
[Tyler and Hunt have forced one of Warren's men to strip to his underwear in his cold store, to encourage him to answer their questions]
My friend is going to ask you some questions. Personally I hope you don't answer them because I want you to die in here and end up inside a pork pie.
[ Sweet is playing loudly in a club]
Do you like this music?
Yeah, I do, don't you?
It's just a lot a noise, really. Me and the wife like, eh, Roger Whittaker. Well, lot more her than me. D'ya know him?
Not intimately.
Keep it to yourself. We all have our dirty little secrets
Indeed we do.
S1 E5The Footie
[Gene and Sam need to get a pub landlord out of the way so that they can go undercover]
Ray! Go and arrest the landlord of the Trafford Arms.
What for?
Think of something on the way.
[Later]
In a bizarre twist of fate, the landlord was arrested this afternoon... on suspicion of cattle rustling.
[Ray takes a bow and receives a round of applause]
We havent got any plates.
Improvise!
[a little while later]
MIMen in the Trafford Arms
What's this?
It's chicken... in a basket.
I'm arresting you for the theft of a motor vehicle, resisting arrest... and driving like a div.
Chris, you're a div. Get in.
If it was to do with football, he'd have serious injuries.
He's dead! That's quite serious.
There will never be a woman prime minister as long as I have a hole in my arse.
Oi! Referee! Has anyone ever told you you need glasses, you dozy git? Next time, I run you over!
I think it was a heart attack.
Then it must've exploded out of his arse, there's blood all down his back.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Life on Mars pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.