Leverage Season 1 quotes

Paul

I count myself blessed and take my miracle.

Ah, but there was no miracle.

Paul

Nate, five thieves saved my church.

Parker

It's like Christmas! See, I told you Saint Nicholas is Santa Claus.

Sophie

No, he's not, Parker.

Parker

Well, who is he then?

Sophie

Saint Nicholas? [smiles] He's the patron saint of thieves.

Two weeks. Two weeks sleeping in crappy hotels. Two weeks eating in crappy diners. Two weeks having my soul sucked dry. It's 107 degrees. Who lives where it's 107 degrees?!

You know, I had to retask two satellites just to get a lousy internet connection. Took more than an hour to torrent the last episode of Doctor Who.

Parker

Hey! Illegal downloading's wrong. [lights the contents of a trash can on fire]

Get out. Now.

Is he talking to us?

Parker

An unmarked van parked across the street from a bank that's being robbed? Yeah. I think he's talking to us.

Yeah, well, five more feet and he would have been in the clear. What the hell was he thinking?

Parker

Don't be an idiot, Hardison.

What?

Parker

Sophie was still in there.

Eliot

Tell me what's going on in there.

I'm afraid I can't do that, this is an active crime scene, and you need to--

Eliot

[to cop] I'm not talking to you. [to Nate] How many are there?

Yeah, you're right. Clearly amateurs, these two. Yeah. The younger one, looks like he's never handled a gun before.

Eliot

Is Judge Blow-Hard next to you?

Yeah, uh-huh. Yeah, definitely amateurs, That's what makes them so dangerous.

Eliot

Alright, 2 guys, both armed, neither one a criminal mastermind. You want me in there?

Sir, we can't have you going inside the bank...

Probably, uh, a good idea just to sit tight, don't you think? You know, and see where these guys' heads are at, you know?

Eliot

Alright, your call, boss.

Thank you.

We help these guys get what they want, then we can get everybody out of here safely, without anyone getting hurt. I mean, I don't know about you, but I'm not going to leave my fate in the hands of the Juan Volunteer S.W.A.T. team.

Parker

It's embarrassing. Everyone knows you don't rob a bank without an exit strategy. These two deserve to get caught. 42 seconds.

What?

Parker

To rob this bank. One security guard who has never fired his gun before, two closed-circuit cameras outside, one inside, and a Glen-Reader safe built in the 50's whose default combination is the birth date of the manager's wife! Get in, get out, 42 seconds.

Seriously?

You guys sure are quick. Just called this in twenty minutes ago.

Uh, we were coming back from a little border skirmish. Charlie unit came under attack by a pack of chupacabras.

Chupacabras? Thought those things were urban legends.

You're adorable.

Whoa, what's going on?

Cut power to the bank. Standard operating procedure.

Standard...it's standard op... it's standard? Where are you getting that bull-hockey from, son?

Deputy Arnold, he took a seminar in crisis management last year.

It was an online seminar. We got certificates.

Certificates? Magic kits come with certificates. Does that make it cool for kids to saw their parents in half?

We're just going by the book.

The…the book? The book got a good man killed. I can't…my blood pressure…

Parker

Ex-partner. Probably shouldn't mention the book again. Or propellers.

No, no cops. If they find out we contacted the police, they'll kill her.

Sophie

They're not cops, I promise you. They're friends of mine, you can trust them.

Why should I trust you? I don't know who you are.

Sophie

I'm a thief.

Okay…I'm not sure what to do with that.

We're going to use the money that we have in here.

It is not enough. We're still short thirty grand.

No, Michael, no, not that money. We have an alternate revenue source.

Is he suggesting what I think he's suggesting?

Parker

Are you suggesting what we think you're suggesting? You want to give our bad guy's money to some other bad guys?

Yes, exactly what I'm suggesting we do. But we're going to do it without blowing our covers, gang.

Who are you talking to?

Parker, have you ever robbed a bank that's being robbed?

Parker

[smiling gleefully] There's a first time for everything. The bank was built before 1980, before computers. Means it's got a larger than normal night deposit chute.

'Cause business had to drop off ledgers with their daily hauls. What, you thought my genius was only limited to ones and zeroes?

We actually have bigger problems.

Eliot

What's that?

Well, Sheriff Coltrane over here called the FBI, the real FBI. Now the closest office is in San Diego, so they should be here in about, um, give it 45 minutes.

We can't worry about that now.

When do we worry about it?

In about 45 minutes.

Hold on...excuse me. [answers phone] Agent Leonard. We will do whatever you need us to do, just please, don't hurt anybody. Okay. [hangs up] Guys...boys, boys, come on, gather 'round. Now boys, that was THE call. The call we were waiting for. Now look, they have a list of demands. First off, they want twelve large pizzas. One cheese, one Hawaiian, extra pineapple. Two pepperoni and black olives, two meat lover's, t... Seriously? Nobody's writing this down? Seriously? One triple-shot half-caf vanilla latte, tall, three copies of the latest Hall & Oates CD. I know, right? Exciting stuff. I didn't know they were coming out with a new one either. We're gonna need steaks. Steaks and a grill. They're trying to tailgate. Okay, they need your overalls, I don't know why. They need some kibbles n' bits, we need an Etch-A-Sketch, somebody in there likes to squiggle, okay...are we good? Let's go, people. Everybody. I need you guys moving. Everybody, get out. Go. You, stay. We need to talk about Hall & Oates.