Mike quotes from Last Man Standing

Mike

Mmm...

Mike

Hey, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man. When did "new and improved" come to mean the same thing, huh? A lot of times, the new, improved version is somewhat worse than the original. You know what I'm talking about? How about the $ electronic key fob versus the ignition key? Because I guess this became just too much for people. I don't even know how to turn that. The ignition key never left you stranded because its tiny battery died. Who prefers Jefferson Starship to Jefferson Airplane? If you knew that person, could you be friends with that psychopath? James Bond. Meh, straight downhill since the late, great Sean Connery. On Bond's current trajectory, will eventually be played by former secretary of labor Robert Reich. And florescent lights. Who thought it was a good idea to invent lighting that makes you ugly no matter how good looking you are? God said, "Let there be light.". Tommy Edison said, "I'm on it, boss!". We should have left it at that, right? Put another way, if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Which is why I'm taking my own advice and ending this perfect vlog right here. Baxter out.

Mike

Hey, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man, talking about friendship. It's a compound word made up of one of the most beautiful things humans have ever created. And the other word is "friend". Man, oh, man, ships are awesome, aren't they? The Mayflower, Old Ironsides, and my favorite, the badass USS Missouri. Friends? Kind of funny, but there was a funnier show on another network. Sure, I know we're living in the golden age of bromance. Men can't stop hugging each other, telling each other how they feel. I'd say, "Oh, for crying out loud". But is crying out loud something men can't wait to do with each other? Listen, when we were kids, to communicate with each other was implied. All you had to do was share a glance and be willing to ride our bikes off a roof and land in a pile of leaves. Or just miss the pile of leaves. The nod was good enough. Just... Huh? We were pals. Pals. Nothing needed to be said for pals, except "Should we call an ambulance or just run away?" When we were kids, being pals was enough. But adults have to have friendships. To make matters worse, we have to talk about those friendships. No, thanks. Battleships? I'll talk about them all day long. Baxter out.

Mike

No, no, no...

Mike

Wait a minute.

Mike

Is that one of my beautiful daughters having coffee with her mom?

Mike

Hello, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man. A couple of times a week, I like to walk the sales floor and ask customers if they need help finding something. I like to do that, you know. And then they say, "Hey, you're Outdoor Man. Can I get a selfie and autograph?". And immediately, I regret offering to help. But a lot of times our customers will say, "I just enjoy looking around.". Wow. That's the best part of life, isn't it? Just seeing how much there is to see. You might like motorcycles, you might like water sports. And thanks to American inventor Clayton Jacobson, we have the Jet Ski. And you can do both at the same time. Damn. Yeah, if you keep your eyes open to new experiences, you're going to find a whole bunch of stuff you didn't even know you loved to do. You might even discover your love of building applies to dollhouses. And if Barbie has me as her architect, she not only gets a beautiful home, she upgrades from Ken to a John Elway bobblehead. So keep looking, keep hunting, keep making meaningful new connections with the people in your life. And when you're here at the store, remember, it doesn't matter what you buy, as long as you buy something. Baxter out.

Mike

Nothing.

Mike

None of your business!

Mike

Hey, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man, with a big thank you to everyone who's watched these vlogs, all 194 of them. I'm not gonna lie, you got great taste. But I also wanted to thank everyone who's not watching, because they're probably out making something, building something, doing something, fixing something. For too many people, the only thing they know is how to make an excuse. "It was too hard". "Didn't feel good". "They sent the wrong part". I've been thinking a lot about makers and takers, you know? Because I had something very valuable taken from me. Somebody took my truck. 10 years of attention to detail... poof, gone. It's an empty feeling, like when John Elway retired. Wow. Am I sad? Yeah, I'm sad. And I did what I always do when I get sad: eat some pork and remember Ronald Reagan... the Gipper... and the verse he quoted when he lost the GOP nomination. "Though I am hurt, I am not slain. I lay me down to bleed a while. Then I'll rise and fight again". I loved every moment of that show... I mean truck. It was a classic from a simpler, happier time. You know... the truck. And that's something that can't be stolen from me. What kind of punks steal other people's stuff? Make something yourself, men. My mother was right. She always quoted this famous comedian... and I can't remember his name... who said, "Men are pigs. Oh, oh, oh!". Baxter out.

Mike

I'm baaaaack. [drops a large fish on the table]

Vanessa

What am I supposed to do with this?

Mike

You slice it, mouth to anus. You pull everything out. Pretty self-explanatory.

Vanessa

Ah, the boss wants to see me. I am worried. Even though I've been there almost a year, I'm still the new chick.

Mike

That's good. New chick's always hot.

Vanessa

Can you drive Eve to soccer?

Mike

Soccer, that's just Europe's covert war for the hearts and minds of America's kids.

We're scrimmaging the boys to make us tougher.

Mike

Well, the boys aren't that tough. I've seen them play. Running around, getting hair gel in their eyes, run into the goalpost, and they cry.

Vanessa

Why are you watching the young boys play soccer?

Mike

I'm pretty sure I just explained why.

Kristin

Hey, mom, can you take Boyd to day care? I can't be late to the diner. It's our salute to bacon week, and I am the only person who knows how to work the defibrillator.

Vanessa

I'm running late. Ask your dad.

Kristin

Oh, not dad. Boyd only knows like six words and half of them are "I blame Obamacare". He's a bad influence.

Mike

You know, he's standing right here.

Vanessa

He does his best.

Mike

Literally, I'm standing right here.

Mike

You know who should take Boyd to day care? It's that deadbeat, no-good father of his.

Kristin

Yeah, dad. We've been over this, really. I'm doing fine. I know this might be hard for you to believe because you're so old school, but I do not need a man.

Mike

Well, you got a baby, so you needed a man once.

Kristin

Eww! All right, I will take Boyd to day care, but I just hope my being late does not cause the Great Bacon Riot of 2011.

Mike

I like bacon

Vanessa

Eve just called. She and Kristin will be here any minute.

Kyle

Crap.

Vanessa

What did you think the banner was for, Kyle?

Kyle

No, I'm trying to DVR my favorite show, but it's not on.

Vanessa

Well, maybe they got cancelled. You know, the TV business can be a heartless bastard.

Kyle

Cancelled? Why would they cancel a popular show that everybody loves?

Mike

Maybe, they are a bunch of idiots!

Mike

Morning, Jen.

Jen

Good morning, Mr. Baxter.