Kitchen Nightmares Season 1 quotes

That lobster's fresh. Even though it died, it's... good.

You look live you've been in this business for thirty years.

I haven't.

Oh really?

Six years.

What were you doing before that?

Laying brick.

[after doing a double take] So it's you and who?

Colleen and Naomi. They own the place.

OK, brilliant.

I'm actually going out with Colleen.

You're going out with Colleen?

Yeah.

Oh, so you're going out with one of the owners?

Yeah.

Ex-customer?

Yeah.

Right.

'Enter as strangers, leave as friends'... Enter a stranger, start dating the owner.

Somebody spit on my food? What is that?

It's coulis mango sauce.

Oh, coulis mango. Thank you. [she leaves] Looks like something out of a modern art museum. Splat! Okay... [takes a bite] Wow. That's fucking disgusting. It's rancid. Plastic bits of crap running through the crab cakes.

PJ's Steakhouse? "Pathetic Joke"! That's what it stands for!

Jesus. It's like somebody's dropped sliced onions into boiling dishwater. Dreadful.

How's the French onion?

Off to a bad start unfortunately. It's like somebody's pissed in my soup.

That's not good, we'll take this away.

Guys, the French onion, he said it's like piss. The flavor he said was no good.

(to Mitch) I told you the onion soup wasn't right.

We know, I know.

But how are you going to educate these guys to do that right?

I don't know, I'll find out.

That gravy's made from...

Beef.

Beef stock on a shepherd's pie.

Yes.

A shepherd's pie is made out of...

This one is actually beef.

Then it's a cottage pie, not a shepherd's pie, because the shepherd stands for the...

The sheep.

Bad, that's gross.

And it's not hot either.

That's part of the reason why I'm not coming back because it's watery.

(to Annette) He (Mitch) doesn't know what he's doing. Mitch is fucking up everything here.

Fucking hell. My God.

Oh Lord.

That's gross.

No good, Chef?

It's soft, bland, rubbery. I didn't realize it would be this bad.

(to Maureen) Mitch can be blind and I'm not kidding you. He's fucking me over here. All you have to do is do what I told you.

Yeah. Well, I'm not even going there, Dad.

(to Chief) You're from Ireland.

Yes.

What happened here today had nothing to do with Ireland. Shepherd's pie - well, fuck me, that wasn't shepherd's pie. If you went to Dublin and you serve shepherd's pie like that, they would shoot you.

What is that?

Mozzarella sticks.

Can you see that there? Blood, blood from where?

From the meat.

Blood from the meat on the mozzarella sticks.

Come on, guys. Thank God I didn't have the fucking mozzarella sticks. Look like a blood transfusion going on down there.

You've got raw meat here, cooked meat, salami with blood in there. Fuck, come on, please. Don't do this to yourselves, let alone the customers. Rule number one: When learning to cook, you cannot store raw meat and cooked meat on the same fucking shelf in the same fucking fridge. The whole fucking thing has got a cross-contamination.

What's in there?

Tenders.

Chicken tenders. Why is it all bubbly and slimy?

The chicken comes like that.

The chicken comes like that. Look how slimy it is, look how slimy it is. Look at it. Shit!

(interview) My God, it's ribid, it's so embarassing.

What is this? How can you serve that? It's like it's been left out for days and it's been attacked by cats.