What's the Missy Elliott song? "Cerebellum Don't Fail Me Now"?
I don't think that's how it goes.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
You know, I used to bartend.
You never mentioned that.
Yeah. At this island-themed place called Jamaica Me Thirsty. The bartenders were the show, juggling bottles, making drinks blindfolded, dancing on the bar. I was kind of a big deal. Don't bother looking for the place now.
Wasn't planning to.
[Major sees Don E. for the first time]
Scott E?
Nope. I'm flattered, though. That was one good-looking man.
Bad news, brother. Today is the last day of your life. So you better get straight with your God, 'cause here comes the big one. You comfy in there? I ask, because it's where you're going to be spending eternity. But because I'm a forgiving man, I'm willing to let you decide which way you go out. There's quick and painless, a bullet straight to the heart. I know, a head shot would be quicker, but that brain of yours is gonna fetch a pretty penny. Or... we turn you into a zombie and we bury you in this box, where you will suffer forever with an abiding hunger for brains that you will never sate.
Wait. What do you want to know?
Well, it's obvious there's a leak in my organization. I mean, how else are you finding my zombies? Give me a name, and we'll go the quick route. Scout's honor. Otherwise it is... express train to Zombieland.
[on the television] To my dear friend, Frieda Bader, who has served me loyally for 35 years, I leave $10 million and the Lake Como estate.
And why not? She only starved your son to punish him for tracking in mud. Gave away his dog when he was caught shoplifting bubblegum.
FBFrieda Bader
And you still believe that, shedding barking mutt was given away. You never wondered why the rose bush in the south garden grew so fast and full?
I was given a list. Three hundred names, all suspected zombies, all connoisseurs of fake tans, hair dye and hot sauce. My job was to figure out which ones were zombies and which ones weren't, and get rid of the ones that are. I was told that if I didn't do it, they would take out every single person on the list, and they would start with Liv.
Oh. Who's the 'they'? Let me know who's making you do this.
No.
You must have a pair on you the size of watermelons.
If I told you, you have no reason to keep me alive. And aren't you a little bit interested to know if you're on their list?
Maybe a few more hours in the dark will make that quick death more appealing. Close him up. I'm not going to miss you.
FBFrieda Bader
Still the insolent boy.
I blame my upbringing. Clearly, I wasn't beaten enough as a child.
FBFrieda Bader
It remains my greatest regret.
Really? So you're over losing out to Eva Braun, huh?
My roommate is dog-sitting her uncle's mini golden doodle.
So cute. The dog, not the uncle.
Work called. G-Rad got attacked by a drunk bachelorette. Girl nearly took his eye out with a penis straw. They need me to go down there and cover the door.
How about dinner tomorrow? I make a mean brain ziti.
Yeah. Sounds great. Wait. Is that another lie?
[Don E. singing] Happy birthday to you, Blaine / I think this gift will make good...
It's not my birthday, Don E!
...Brain!
[Major looks out the window while talking to Blaine at the funeral home]
Hey. Hey. Hey. It's the FBI, man. They've got a crush on me. They've got it in their head that I'm the Chaos Killer. You're gonna have to leave here the same way you came in, back of a hearse.
[Ravi arrives back to work late with Liv's lunch]
Lunch is here! Finally. Did you get lost?
I would've been back sooner, but the guy in front of me in line had a mild heart attack. I had to administer CPR, wait for paramedics... He'll survive, but your Kung Pao chicken may be cold.
[Liv smiles] Then it would be small of me to complain.
PHPodcast Host
I'm more scared of Rick Moranis as Dark Helmet than Kylo Ren.
What do you think of my latest business venture? Your girlfriend gives it her old zombie stamp of approval.
Liv doesn't...
No, she's totally down with me getting my brains from people that don't need them anymore. We're BFF's now. Who else is gonna feed Seattle's zombies? At least until you kill them all, right?
I'm not killing...
Shhh, the lying to save your life section comes later.
BBartender
Yeah, Corey Carp. But everyone called him Big Fish.
Because he's a big guy and his name is Carp?
BBartender
[the bartender chuckles] No. Because everything out of his mouth was a lie.
Ah.
BBartender
A fish story.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's IZombie pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.