Have you ever been high, Stan?
Be serious, Munch.
I am being serious. They call it a high for a reason.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Have you ever smoked dope, John?
I don't have to answer that.
Nurse, can I have a cup over here? I'd like to test this man's urine.
Bayliss, where's Pembleton?
Uh, I don't know, Gee.
Don't say, "I don't know." He's your partner, you should know his every move, his every breath. Like a lover, he should never be far from your thoughts.
That was poetic.
I'm in no mood for sarcasm.
Smoking causes mouth, lung cancer, emphysema....
Oh my god, you quit smoking. You committed this madness without consulting me first? Are you nuts? You're selfish. You ex-smokers are more relentless than AA or the Moonies or those born-again vegetarians. Well, I'll tell you what, I'm not gonna let you bully me about this. I don't wanna hear about how your lungs are pinker than a newborn baby's or how you're free of mucus and phlegm. It's all a bunch of nonsense. It's all a bunch of crap. I don't want you counting the number of days you've gone without a cigarette when you're supposed to be watching my back. You put my life on the line. I'll put in for hazard pay. No, you know what? I'll put in for another partner.
So you went out to dinner, then back to your place and after a night of hot, steamy, sweaty bone-rattling you laid back to light a cigarette. He got on your case about the cigarettes. It's about the smoking. It's about love, isn't it?
It shows, huh? I feel tawdry just thinking about it. I must be crazy, certifiable. I should see the department shrink about it. Frank...
What?
Frank, Ed Danvers is an alpha male. A stallion among ponies. A man larger than life itself.
You mean large as in large?
Why else do you think I quit a two pack a day habit?
Wait a minute, we're talking about Ed Danvers right? The midget dweeb? C'mon, cut it out.
No, he drives me insane; I see stars. I walk around feeling all this sweet pain.
I shouldn't be hearing this.
How do you talk about something like this? And he's constant. I mean anywhere, all day, all night, in the park, in the movie theatre.
Howard...
I had to set some ground rules. He can't touch me in restaraunts or the church.
Howard, I think you're going too far.
Frank, I was only kidding. I didn't give up cigarettes for Ed, I gave them up for me.
You were kidding? About everything?
Yes. No.
C'mon, Howard.
See, I guess you'll never know.
[Fooling a suspect that a photocopier is an 'Electrolyte Neutron Magnetic Test Scanner']
Detective Bolander, continue the interrogation. Me, I gotta get outta here, because I cannot afford to lose any more of my sperm count.
I know this probably doesn't say much for me; but you're probably the closest thing I have to a best friend. So without further ado, I want you to see my baby.
Ohh, Meldrick.
She's a beauty, huh?
I think she looks like an engine.
Not just an engine, Crosetti. It's a high-riser, 427- overhead V-8 with dual Holley carbs. 600 horses of power, baby, she flies like the wicked witch of the West. I'm gonna hafta move to Nevada.
Hold on, let me see it again. Where are the doors and the tires?
See, this is the petty-minded details. What you have in your hand is the heart and soul of the Cobra that I am building.
Let me tell ya. That doesn't play with me, see when you buy a house, you don't buy a pile of dirt with a toilet on top of it. You get 4 walls which constitutes a dwelling. You - if you look very closely - have squat here.
See, you're makin' fun of me and I appreciate that; but what I have there is the foundation of a classic sportscar. What you have on your tie there is ink. [phone rings] Homicide, Detective Goodwrench.
It's impossible to partner with someone when they're trying to quit smoking.
It's the guilt trip they run, right?
I feel like I gotta post bail everytime I take a cigarette out. Every time I take one out, I can feel Howard's eyes burning a hole through the back of my head, like I just abandoned her.
I quit smoking once. Gonna quit again. Someday for good.
Me too.
I quit for 3 months once.
8 months.
8 months? That's impressive. 8 months?
Well, not straight, no. Over the years, I quit smoking 10 times for a total of 8 months.
We should stop smoking.
Our partners, they know what they're doing.
They do; don't they? Self-righteous bastards.
We've been on the night shift, what, a week? Every night someone lights this candle by the board.
You're a detective. Solve it.
A homicide detective. If the candle killed someone, I'd close the case.
When I was young, a codependent relationship was a good marriage. Sometimes I wanna call my wife just to hear the sound of her voice; but I know that five minutes into that phone call, my blood pressure is going through the roof, the phone is sailing across the room, and I'm wishing that she's on a plane falling out of the sky. It's over. I know it's over. But I had to replace six telephones before I really got the hint.
Uh, Tim, I'm the secondary on this case. If you have something, I think you should share.
You should talk about sharing.
You said summer was hell.
Well... it was.
It's all mind over matter, Bayliss.
No, no, it's more than mind over matter. I know my mind and my mind remembers my ass melting into the tops of my shoes, all right? Summer was hell.
There's no humidity in hell.
What, you do a field report?
By all reliable accounts, there's not a single drop of water to pass between heaven and hell. Hell is a dry heat.
Oh. Well, book me a flight.
[to Bolander] All I was gonna say is, what are you gonna call Dr Blythe for? Say you go out. You're a saint. You're everything you can be in a perfect world. So you sleep together. After the third time you do it, it's actually good instead of just saying it is. But how could it not be good? It's sex. So you get intimate. You get real close. You talk about your childhood, your parents, your broken dreams. You talk about relationships that didn't work out. You get so intimate you tell her your problems. You get loose, rude, a little insensitive. You're not a saint anymore. And one day, she goes, "I don't know who you are. You're not the guy I got involved with." You apologize. You realize you've actually spent the last six months apologizing for who you were the first two weeks. Then, in the middle of some night, she leaves you. In the dark. Nice, huh? Is that what you want?
RERobert Ellison
The instant they pulled the trigger I lost my wife, but I joined a club. It's a very exclusive club. But the funny thing about the club is that none of the members want to belong. It's like some sort of secret society where only the initiated can recognize the other members.
RERobert Ellison
There's thousands of us. And it's growing every year. We all end up talking to some poor Homicide detective like you and we all ask "Why me?". The truth is it's not "Why me?" anymore. It's "When me?"
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Homicide: Life on the Street pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.