Home Improvement quotes

74 total quotes

Tim: [with a piece of table stuck to his head] I was trying to make a point on the show that men don't just destroy things with hammers and nails and tools.
Karen: No, they also glue.

Tim: After all, a safe workplace is a happy workplace, isn't it?
Al: I wouldn't know, Tim.

Tim: And you'll notice Daddy-O here has a 20-gallon steel cylinder filled with propane. I've increased the outlet valve of this twice over. Which means we'll be cooking with what?
Randy: The Fire Department?

Tim: However much I'm not jealous, I'm twice as much not insecure.
Wilson: Well, you should feel secure, Tim. You've got what every man dreams of.
Tim: A satellite dish!
Wilson: No, Tim. Three strapping boys, a nice home, and a loving wife.

Tim: I didn't know you wanted me home right away.
Jill: Well, what did you think I meant when I said how I was looking forward to seeing you and [Saying seductively] "I'll be waiting."
Tim: Oh, what was that supposed to mean, "I'll be waiting?"
Jill: Well, I was trying to be more subtle! What did you want me to say, "The kids are gone, I'm home alone, come and take me Big Daddy?"
Tim: Well, that I understand.

Tim: I was a whiz in math when I was in school. Do you suppose they call those square roots because they're just not that cool?

Tim: I'm gonna make some of that four-star, happy trails, rootin'-tootin' chili of mine.
Jill: I don't know about the rootin', but there'll be plenty of tootin'.
Tim: You should consider yourself lucky I'm not making my rip-roarin' chili.

Tim: I'm your prisoner. Do what you will to me, over and over and over.
Jill: Let's face it, Tim, with you, when it's over, it's over.

Tim: If a woman holds up a stop sign, if she designed it, it would say "If you really knew me, you'd know what you should do right now."

Tim: In the shop, tape hangs on a hook, because it has a hole in it.
Jill: So does your head, it's not hanging on a hook.

Tim: Is there anything you DON'T know, Wilson?
Wilson: I don't know.

Tim: Man's speakers, that's what I'm after. Speakers with attitude. Speakers that haven't shaved in a couple of days.
Season 2

Tim: Mark and I were talking in the garage, do you guys know anything about a "little brother tax"?
Brad & Randy: No.
Tim: Maybe I should tell you about something called a "large angry father tax."

Tim: Pure power. You could saw through the refrigerator with this thing!
Jill: Wouldn't it be easier to open the door?

Tim: Pure power. You could saw through the refrigerator with this thing!
Jill: Wouldn't it be easier to open the door?