Home Improvement quotes

74 total quotes

Jill: [about the dishwasher] You will not screw it up like you did the blender. End of discussion.
Tim: What's wrong with the blender? It's the only blender on the block that can puree a brick.

Jill: Tim, do you ever listen to me? It was the last thing that I said in bed to you last night.
Tim: No, I believe, if you recall, the last thing you said to me in bed last night was "no!"
Jill: You're thinking of tonight.

Tim: In the shop, tape hangs on a hook, because it has a hole in it.
Jill: So does your head, it's not hanging on a hook.

Jill: [to Tim, after finding the missing wrench in the dryer] Do you want this on regular cycle or fluff?

Jill Taylor: (Finds Tim pretending to ride lawnmower like a motorcycle) So, what? Did you join Hells Gardeners?

Tim: [after opening a bag of chips and spilling them everywhere] There's a warning label right here. You shouldn't open these in broad daylight, in Detroit. It could cause an explosion!

Tim: Would I help if I said I was sorry?
Jill: It might.
Tim: I'm sorry.
Jill: It didn't.

Jill: Tim, what do you actually know about installing a satellite dish?
Tim: It's simple. Mount it, point it straight up. Any man could do that.
Jill: Yeah, but it has to stay up longer than ten seconds.

Tim: However much I'm not jealous, I'm twice as much not insecure.
Wilson: Well, you should feel secure, Tim. You've got what every man dreams of.
Tim: A satellite dish!
Wilson: No, Tim. Three strapping boys, a nice home, and a loving wife.

Jill: Will you go check the furnace, I think the pilot must be out.
Tim: Are you saying that lighting a pilot is a man's job?
Jill: No, I'm saying it's your job.

Mark: What are we gonna make?
Jill: I'm gonna have your whole Scout troop make paper-bag masks.
Mark: Is that all? Billy's mom helped us make a real tepee.
Jill: She did?
Mark: Yeah, and she made us beef jerky out of raw meat.
Jill: Billy's mom is a Stepford wife. You're getting pizza and paper-bag masks.

Jill: What are we gonna do about the boys' table manners?
Tim: You should give them a refresher course.
Jill: Me? What about you?
Tim: [with his mouth full] Honey, I'm a man. What do I know about manners?

Brad: Mom!
Jill: What?
Brad: Dad's cussing.
Tim: I'm not cussing.
Mark: He said a bad word.
Tim: It wasn't bad!
Randy: He said 'hell' and 'damn'.
Tim: I did not say 'damn'.
Randy: Now you did.

Jill: I'll be going upstairs now...
Tim: You want company?
Jill: No, just you.
Tim: [because the kids are asleep at the dinner table] Shouldn't we take the boys to bed?
Jill: Nah, leave them. It'll only take a minute, anyway...

Jill: [as the boys prepare to go to school] If you miss that bus, you'll be in big trouble!
Tim: Trouble already? Boys, pace yourselves, you've got all day to be evil. You don't wanna peak too soon.