Home Improvement quotes

74 total quotes

Jill: [about the dishwasher] You will not screw it up like you did the blender. End of discussion.
Tim: What's wrong with the blender? It's the only blender on the block that can puree a brick.

Jill: [She and Tim are eating in a resturant, she notices a beautiful woman walk by and sit at the table behind Tim] Woah, baby! Bad news. This is not the night for you to give up looking at women.
Tim: Oh, and why is that, Jill?
Jill: Because this unbelievable young goddess just came in and sat right behind you.
Tim: Yeah, like I'm going to fall for that one. What is it, a 72-year old steel worker? "Hey Marge, they got no beer here!"
Jill: Not exactly, Tim.
Tim: Oh, so she's the "Va-Va, Voom" type?
Jill: Well, as a matter of fact, she's got great "Va-Va's" and a darn good "Voom."

Al: I'm just saying that if you send that chain letter, you'll have better luck.
Tim: Al, listen. Having George Foreman on the show, that is good luck. Winning a shovel, that's not good luck. You do not have good luck.
Lisa: Al, Al, I almost forgot. The heat's broken in my apartment. Can I stay at your place tonight?

Eddie: [after his wife died] I was married to Tildy for 45 years, and the woman drove me absolutely crazy. She had these ugly little porcelain cats that she loved to line up on a window sill. Every day for 45 years, I used to take those cats off the window sill and put them in a cupboard. And every day for 45 years, she'd take the cats out of the cupboard and put them back on the window sill.
Tim: Where are they now?
Eddie: On a window sill.
Tim: You didn't throw them out?
Eddie: What for? [pause] You don't have to understand a woman. All you have to do is love her.

Jill (about Tim's kilt): Hey, you look great.
Tim: You wouldn't be just teasing a gal, would you?

Jill: [as the boys prepare to go to school] If you miss that bus, you'll be in big trouble!
Tim: Trouble already? Boys, pace yourselves, you've got all day to be evil. You don't wanna peak too soon.

Brad: Dad, am I gonna be able to help you work on this thing?
Tim: You bet!
Jill: No, no, Brad, honey, you have to finish your homework.
Brad: Aww, man
Tim: No "aww man's." Do what she says, then you can help.
Tim: Hey Randy, did you do your homework?
Randy: Yeah.
Tim: Want to help?
Randy: No.
Tim: Where did I go wrong with him?
Jill: Don't worry about it, he's not yours.

Jill: [Tim has come home with a piece of table glued to his head] Wha-What is this thing on your head?
Tim: It's a little piece of table.
Randy: What happened?
Tim: Old Mr. Negativity, Al, distracted me and got my head cemented to this table. It took me a saber saw to get me off of this table.
Jill: Shouldn't you go to the emergency room?
Tim: I was just there. They said I wasn't a priority.
Jill: Why? Was there a guy with a whole table stuck to his head? [Jill and Karen laugh]
Tim: You notice, I'm not laughing.
Jill(trying to regain composure): It's ok, we'll be good. Randy, s-s-set the table.
Randy: OK. Dad, bend over!

Brad: Mom!
Jill: What?
Brad: Dad's cussing.
Tim: I'm not cussing.
Mark: He said a bad word.
Tim: It wasn't bad!
Randy: He said 'hell' and 'damn'.
Tim: I did not say 'damn'.
Randy: Now you did.

Jill: [to Tim, after finding the missing wrench in the dryer] Do you want this on regular cycle or fluff?

Jill Taylor: (Finds Tim pretending to ride lawnmower like a motorcycle) So, what? Did you join Hells Gardeners?

Brad: I don't have a woman.
Mark: I have a woman, Mommy.
Randy: Your Mom can't be your woman, stupid!
Tim: A lotta guys pay shrinks a lotta money to figure that out!

Jill(indicating Randy's flashy robes): This is Randy's costume, he's playing the innkeeper.
Tim: And where are Mary and Joseph staying this year, Ceasar's Palace!?

Jill: [to Randy] Randall William Taylor, get out here now! I want to talk to you!
Tim: Wow, the middle name. He's in trouble!

Jill: [about Bob Vila] Are you afraid that big bad Bob is going to make you look foolish?
Tim: Better men than him have made me look foolish. [pause] That didn't sound right, did it?