Home Improvement quotes

74 total quotes

Jill: Are you saying the car's not working?
Tim: We now own a 350-horsepower, 4-door, BOULDER!
Jill: So I can't drive it?
Tim: Not unless you're Wilma Flintstone!

Jill: Do you think that Tim is a good listener?
Wilson: Yes! I think Tim is a very good listener.
Jill: But does he understand everything you say?
Wilson: I think Tim is a very good listener.

Jill: I thought if there was a problem with the car, the light would get brighter, or there would be a buzzer.
Tim: A buzzer!? It's a car, not a game show!

Jill: I thought you said it was a technical problem!
Tim: Technically, I was the problem.

Jill: I'll be going upstairs now...
Tim: You want company?
Jill: No, just you.
Tim: [because the kids are asleep at the dinner table] Shouldn't we take the boys to bed?
Jill: Nah, leave them. It'll only take a minute, anyway...

Jill: If I have to tell you what to get, I might as well just go out and buy it myself.
Tim: Now you're talking.

Jill: In the past month, you have done the following things -- backed a pickup truck into a house, almost electrocuted yourself three times, nailed your shoe to the floor, and glued your head to a table.
Tim: What's your point?
Jill: My point is it's not the chain letter that's causing the bad luck, it's you. You're a klutz, isn't that great?
Tim: Honey, I'm thrilled.

Jill: Randy's no longer playing the innkeeper, because he added some lines.
Brad: Yeah. He doubled the price of the room and asked the wise men for ID!
Randy: They made me a sheep.

Jill: Tim, come on. Our son took a dissected frog and placed it on a lettuce leaf. (Tim laughs) It's not funny! This is serious! The principal ate it!
Tim: Well, it's a step up from those fish sticks they serve.

Jill: Tim, do you ever listen to me? It was the last thing that I said in bed to you last night.
Tim: No, I believe, if you recall, the last thing you said to me in bed last night was "no!"
Jill: You're thinking of tonight.

Jill: Tim, what do you actually know about installing a satellite dish?
Tim: It's simple. Mount it, point it straight up. Any man could do that.
Jill: Yeah, but it has to stay up longer than ten seconds.

Jill: We're keeping score.
Tim: I thought you didn't want to keep score.
Jill: Oh, is the great big bad bowling man afraid his itty-bitty wife is going to beat him?
Tim: Is the itty-bitty wife afraid the big bad bowling man is going to leave her in the PARKING LOT?

Jill: What are we going to do about Brad and Randy? They keep tormenting Mark.
Tim: That's why we had Mark, so they'd leave us alone.

Jill: What are we gonna do about the boys' table manners?
Tim: You should give them a refresher course.
Jill: Me? What about you?
Tim: [with his mouth full] Honey, I'm a man. What do I know about manners?

Jill: Why do they call it a monkey wrench?
Tim: They call it a monkey wrench because even a monkey can use it.