Nathan quotes from Haven

Nathan

What if you had gotten him mad and something did happen?

Audrey

A bucket of cold water, it works on dogs.

Audrey

You've been weird about this Jess thing from the start. You have a beautiful woman waiting up for you, you have a partner who's willing to do the boring paperwork, and you still don't want to go? Nathan, I wasn't gonna say anything before, but it's not like you have people calling you at all hours of the day to hang out. Tell me. Tell me. Come on, what's going on?

Nathan

I don't know if I can make it happen.

Audrey

Make what happen? [Nathan gives her a look] Oh... Wait, this isn't your first time, is it?

Nathan

No!

Audrey

Well what?-

Nathan

It is my first time since I've... been like this. I can't even feel my own damn skin. I can't feel her skin. I don't know what else I can't do.

Nathan

What's that cop's name?

Audrey

. . . Steve?

Nathan

Stan. How about her?

Audrey

Okay, okay, I get it. Good morning Stu.

... Morning, Audrey.

Nathan

Morning, Stan.

Hey, Nathan.

Audrey

Crap.

[as Audrey after Nathan shoots him] How did you know it was me?

Nathan

Audrey. I can feel her touch.

Audrey

Just how "me" was he?

Nathan

Pretty you. I mean, pretty mu- [chuckes] Pretty much exactly you.

Audrey

Yeah? And when did you realize he wasn't me?

Nathan

I just... I knew.

Audrey

[laughs] Yeah, you think you know me that well?

Nathan

No. Not that well. What's your middle name?

Audrey

My middle name? Really? It's Prudence. Self-inflicted at my confirmation. And yours?

Nathan

Thaddeus.

Audrey

Thaddeus?! Thaddeus.

Nathan

Inflicted by the chief.

Audrey

Do you want to get some coffee?

Nathan

You could use some.

Audrey

Okay.

Nathan

Just black for me, thanks. I think I'm done with the fancy stuff.

Audrey

Great, high five for the real thing. [they high five and Nathan can obviously feel it]

Nathan

Parker, you don't need to be on the clock 24-7. Go.

Duke

Wow. Nathan Wuornos being magnanimous is a rare and beautiful...

Nathan

Please, take him and go.

Audrey

All right, great, thank you.

Duke

I was giving you a compliment. I'm just saying, that was legitimate, from the heart.

Nathan

Kind of busy here, Duke.

Duke

You say that as if I come looking for you, ever.

Nathan

Duke, Go!

Duke

I'm off like a dirty shirt.

Nathan

It's password protected. Come on Parker, where's the trust?

He's trying to hack into her personal files, and he's worried about trust issues?

Nathan

What makes you think I have something to say to you?

Because you're my son. I pay attention.

Audrey

Do we really have a skeleton inside a wrecked boat? Is there going to be an eye patch or a dead parrot?

Nathan

That's life on a seaside police force. What? Do you miss the FBI already?

Audrey

No, I just hope we get a treasure chest.

Nathan

I'm glad you're staying.

Nathan

Do you remember third grade?

Duke

I remember you really liked the Pet Shop Boys.

Nathan

Spring. You waited inside for me with a bunch of your friends after gym class. You're all smiling, congratulating me.

Duke

Do we have to do this right now?

Nathan

Yep.

Duke

Okay. Okay. I told you that Carla Rose had a crush on you.

Nathan

I felt like I won the lottery.

Duke

Nathan, that was 25 years ago.

Nathan

You all slapped me on the back. Remember that? "Go talk to her. Talk to her." So I walked down the hall and I got up to her and I felt like my heart was beating out of my chest. I finally open my mouth enough to actually tell her that I liked her too...

Duke

She screamed.

Nathan

Screamed because there was blood dripping down my back. From?

Duke

The tacks that we stuck in it.

Nathan

When you were "congratulating me." You had a pool going on how many you guys could stick in my back before I noticed.

Duke

Sixteen.

Nathan

Sixteen.

Duke

Nathan, if it wasn't for me, you never would have even talked to her.

Nathan

I didn't talk to another girl for two years after that!

Duke

I was eight years old!

Nathan

Uh, so was I.

Nathan

You know, uh, Haven PD doesn't have a special agent.

Duke

Oh, come on now. You can't tell me that wasn't special.

Nathan

I hear you're afraid of Max Hansen.

Duke

Ah, screw it. Normally I'd try to act all manly, but, yeah, I'm terrified. Why do you ask?

Nathan

Make it a lot easier on you if he was dead, wouldn't it?

Duke

Are you offering?

Audrey

Where were you earlier, Duke?

Duke

Oh, did somebody take care of my little problem?

Audrey

Just answer the question.

Duke

They did? They- Thank you! Thank you! That is outstanding. All right, hmm? Oh, no, don't worry about it. I'm not offended that you asked. It's fine. So... How did he die?

Audrey

He was swallowed by a crack in the ground.

Duke

He was swallowed by a crack in the ground, yes! Yes. Nathan, come on. I mean, if I could do that, why am I out here playing Jed Clampett with a shotgun in my lap?