Dr. Grey, do you need to be replaced?
No, you're not fine. You're distracted. You and Derek went down in a plane. You drowned. He got shot. You gave birth in a power outage.
Is this supposed to make me feel better?
I'm just saying, you have every reason to be distracted, every reason to think the sky is falling. Do you need to go?
Okay, well, how long can you go without hearing from him before you absolutely go crazy?
I don't know. I... 6:00, 6:30, maybe.
Okay, then, let's say 5:00. At 5:00 P.M., if you haven't heard from him, you can panic. You can call the police, call the paramedics. You can freak out until your little heart's content. But not one minute before and not in this O.R.
(flashback)
You know, remember ages ago, you and I had a really big fight? And I told you, I said, "you're like coming up for fresh air. Like I was drowning, and you saved me." I still feel that way when I see you, what we have, our family. That's the feeling. It's you. It's always been you. And I want more. Of this, of us, of... I want to have more. Let's have more. I mean it.
So, I've heard you tell this story six different ways today, and each time, the plane seems to be getting closer. I'm pretty sure, the next time it'll end with, "and then I died."
I think you're missing the point here.
Maybe I didn't exactly die back there, but I sure as hell could have. I did look up from my car today. I did see a plane coming toward me. And for a split second, I did find myself thinking, "maybe this is it. This is where it all ends on 37th street between a yarn shop and a falafel stand." I know what a near-death experience is, and this wasn't my first. And it's true. Your life flashes right before your eyes. And this morning, mine did. And suddenly, I saw how much I had. Catherine. This hospital, all of the people I've affected, all the people who've affected me. And let me tell you. It scared the hell out of me. Because the minute you see all the things you have, you see all the things that you stand to lose. Look, maybe I did embellish the story some. I mean, that's human nature, I guess. But right now, I'm taking stock of what I have, and I'm feeling pretty grateful.
This is not about you! Everything isn't about you!
Not the one today. I'm talking about the plane that had Meredith and Derek and Arizona and Mark and Lexie and... Cristina. I put them on that plane. I signed the requisition for the airline. I paid for it. I was in charge. I don't care how long I've been out of the service. It was my watch, and they were my men. And I failed them. It was my fault. So, when something like this happens today, it brings it all back up. There was a plane crash.
And I won't survive another plane crash, Amelia. And that's all we are.
[ending voice over] Why do bad things happen to good people? We ask that question so often, it's become a cliché, but that's because bad things do happen to good people constantly. You just have to hope that when it's your turn, you'll know what to do, how to cope, how to persevere. But the truth is, you don't know how you'll react to your worst-case scenario. None of us do. Not until it happens.
(thinking) Winnie... You shouldn't be in here.
WWinnie
I know you're not dead. Know how I know? 'Cause I can feel your pulse, which means your heart is beating. Your heart is beating, which means you're not dead, okay? Hey. Eyes on me. You stay not dead, okay? It's a beautiful day to save lives, right? So you stay not dead.
PPaul
Ma'am? I thought that if this was a good time, I might take a moment to explain how this all works.
PPaul
Mrs. Shepherd, there's some things you need to know... some things we need to discuss. Difficult things.
I'm a doctor. Dr. Grey. I'm a surgeon, just like my husband was. I know how this works. You've waited the requisite number of hours, and now you can officially declare him dead. Normally, you'd talk to me about organ donation. But by the looks of his chart, there's not much left that works to donate. So, the ICU needs a bed. Those must be the papers... the papers you want me to sign to decide what to do with my husband... Now that he's dead, but not really dead. Do we ship him off to a long-term-care facility and cross our fingers and hope for fairy tales and magic? Or do I pull the plug? And stop all curative intervention? Discontinue all routine monitoring, remove all the catheters, drains, and tubes, end any and all treatments that might provide comfort to the patient. Terminate all life-sustaining measures... and behave as any sane doctor would behave. Does that about cover it, doctor? Is that what you want to talk to me about... while I sit here with my sleeping children? You want to talk about killing my husband? Give me the papers.
I'm so sorry. I know that that's useless to you right now. But I am. He saved all those people. And it was my job... to save him. And I failed. And now... He's gonna die... Because I was not a good enough doctor... to keep him alive.
Yeah, you're right. You did fail. You weren't good enough. But do you know what tomorrow is? It's Friday. There's gonna be more patients who come in who need you to save them... someone's mother, someone's kid, someone's husband. They need you to save them because they can't save themselves. So learn from this, better yourself, and you will be better for next time.
Because he was your one. Every patient you treat, you're going to see my husband's face and remember that he was the one that died on your watch. He will haunt you. The hard ones always do. And it only takes that one. But that one will make you work harder, and they make you better. Or they make you quit, and you don't get to waste what would have been the rest of my husband's life being a quitter. So get back inside because you're not saving any lives out here.
I know the face. I've been here before. Everyone thinks they are the first person in the world to ever look at a human being like that, but... It's always the same face. Who is dead?
Derek. It's Derek. I'm so, so sorry. It was an MVC accident, and he wanted to help.
I don't need the details. Dead is dead.
I am so... So sorry. I wish there was something I could...
Thank you for telling me.
Amelia, if there's anything I can...
I'm good. I've done this before. I know the drill. It's not a big deal.
I have a baggie full of black-market oxy in my coat pocket, and I'm trying to decide whether or not to take it. I've got the dead-Derek thing completely managed. I know people were worried. Since he died, everybody's been looking at me, waiting for me to fall apart or freak out or just become a mess. Like some bomb everyone thinks is supposed to go off. My mother was calling three, four times a day. Addison was calling... Everyone. It makes sense. It's natural. Every man I've ever loved has died. Including my baby. Thank you, universe. So, I should be, like... Greek tragedy, turned to stone, bat-crap crazy, but I'm good. I got this. I am fine. I'm telling you, I'm amazing. I am saving lives left and right. I am putting butts in the seats in that OR gallery. I mean, people are fighting to hear me lecture. I am entertaining. Joke, joke, joke! I'm funny! I'm fun! I'm a party! I'm doing... I'm great! I'm handling the dead Derek thing really well.
Except today, I yelled at Richard, who was only trying to invite me for coffee, and then I went and scored oxy from this junkie doctor.
But you haven't taken any?
Not yet. But I might. That's the thing. I really actually might. I have been sober for 1,321 days, Owen. I was fine. It was managed. But I might.
All this stuff you're... managing. You're not supposed to be managing it. You're supposed to be feeling it... Grief, loss, pain. It is normal.
It is. It is normal. It's not normal to you 'cause you've never done it. Instead of feeling it, feeling the grief and the pain, you've shoved it all down and you do drugs instead. Instead of moving through the pain, you run from it. You... Instead of dealing with being hurt and alone and afraid that this horrible, empty feeling is all there is, I run from it. I run off, and I sign up for another tour of active duty. We do these things. We run off, and we... we medicate. We do whatever it takes to cover it up and dull the sensation, but it's not normal. We're supposed to feel. We're supposed to love and hate... And hurt and grieve and break and... Be destroyed and... Rebuild ourselves to be destroyed again. That is human. That is humanity. That's... That's being alive. That's the point. That's the entire point. Don't... don't avoid it. Don't... Extinguish it.
Derek died. He died. I don't want to feel it. I... I don't think I can. I don't think I even want to... I can't. I can't. I can't do this. I can't.
You have to. If you don't...
No, I can't. Shh, I can't do this!
You have to. If you don't, that bag of oxy's not gonna be your last.
(Amelia breaks down in his arms.)
You're gonna be okay. You're gonna survive this, okay? Everybody does. It's perfectly normal. It's boring, even. It's so normal.
I love you too much! It's too much. Okay, my first husband. Okay, if he left, a piece of me always knew that I would be okay, and when he did leave, I was, but you... Ever since Derek died, I sit up in the middle of the night, gasping for air, terrified. I've been having these dreams that something happened to you. So, if something happened... I love you too much. Like, you are a piece of me. I love you. So... I need a plan. I need rules. I need some order, and I had just gotten used to your dumb miracle-man idea, and now you're telling me you want me to pull the plug, and I can't deal with that. I... Just order and, uh, some rules and a plan and some order in the middle of this, 'cause if I have to think about what could happen, it's too much.
I promise... I promise that I will let you die first.
Hey, I love you too much, too.
