Callie Torres quotes from Grey's Anatomy

April

What the chief doesn't realize is that a lot of the work I do makes it possible for these surgeries to take place. I mean all the staffing and scheduling, I mean, so maybe, okay, maybe I'm not in the O.R. all the time but I--

Callie

April do you want to be an administrative assistant? Is that what makes your heart sing?

April

No, of course not.

Callie

Then stop being a whiner. Stop hiding behind paperwork. If you love it, do it. Just get into the O.R, okay? Don't sleep, don't eat, just... do this. [hands her the drill] Here.

April

You want me to place the k-wire?

Callie

Will it make your heart sing?

April

Yes, yes.

Webber

Meredith Grey.

Callie

No. Not Grey. Yang, maybe.

Webber

Yang's a cowboy.

Callie

Kepner.

Webber

[makes face] Kepner?

Callie

Not Kepner. Definitely not Grey. She spent all that time in neuro, and suddenly, she's chasing general. She's unfocused.

Webber

You're underestimating her. I think she'd surprise you.

Callie

[chuckles] She'd have to.

Webber

She will.

Callie

She'd have to come to me.

Miranda

Hey, um, I can't do ladies night. Sorry.

Callie

Mm.

Arizona

What? But we need you.

Miranda

Well, um, I can't come because, well, Ben and I are taking dance lessons tonight-- salsa.

Callie

[raises an eyebrow] You and Ben...

Miranda

Yeah.

Callie

And salsa? No, you just want to go home and get laid.

Miranda

[flustered] Hey, we have a long-standing salsa appointment tonight, and sorry. You're on your own. [leaves hurriedly]

Callie

[deadpan] Right.

Arizona

I bet it's gonna be long.

Callie

They hate each other.

Bailey

They are professionals, they'll be fine...

Callie

No, it's awful, it's tense and it's cold and it's dangerous. It feels like diffusing a bomb...in a haunted house...that's built on a mine field, and there are bears...EVERYWHERE...and, the bears have knives!

Callie

Oh, boohoo, poor April didn't pass her test. Big whoop, okay? I got fired from chief resident, and then I got fired from this hospital. Oh, my husband cheated on me-

April

Wh-you were married? To a man? [Alex nods]

Callie

[seriously] And then he died. So I didn't think I was ever gonna be happy again. But now? My life is pretty damn great. So, you're having a rough time. It's, nothing! It's a blip! And in the meantime, you're missing your moment! You survived residency! Stop, and celebrate that. Cause life? Changes in an instant. Turns on a dime. One minute you're miserable, and then the next, you've met the most amazing woman in the world, and are in love. This moment, your moment, it only happens once. [turns to walk away] Oh, and the duck is freakin' amazing. [slaps Alex's chips to the floor]

Callie

Welcome back.

Derek

Torres.

Callie

I had nothing to do with this. [Derek smiles at her] Okay. I had a little to do with this.

Derek

Well, thank you everyone. Thank you very much. It's really no big deal. [looks around at everyone staring at him] What?

Callie

You have to say it.

Derek

It's a beautiful day to save lives.

Callie

What's going on here?

Arizona

[holding Sofia on her lap] Oh. We're havin' a little dance party.

Callie

So... I guess you had a good day?

Arizona

Yeah, yeah. I fell down.

Callie

[worried] What? What happened?

Arizona

[smiles] I got back up.

Callie

Now the rest of you will each get a chance to examine our patient before we move on to the skills lab portion of the contest. Dr. Avery, will you bring in our patient?

Jackson

Now Dr. Torres and I will be performing a nerve transplant on Dr. Shepherd's injured hand. We need an intern we can trust.

Callie

And that's saying a lot, because we don't trust any of you people yet. Wilson, you're up.

Jo

[nervously examines Derek's hand] Oh...

Derek

I'm not gonna bite you, Wilson.

Jo

Right.

Callie

Okay. Is no one making small talk because this is Derek Shepherd on the table? This is intricate work. Small talk is what keeps us awake.

Shane

Well, uh a couple of days ago, I helped Dr. Kepner extract a malignant mass from the gluteal area of a female patient. It was an impressively sized mass.

Callie

[unimpressed] Who's gonna tell Dr. Shepherd that he'll never operate again because Ross' idea of gossip is, he saw April Kepner take a lump off an ass?

Callie

Hey, you're awake.

Derek

[groggily] No, not really.

Callie

Oh, sorry. I just--I wanted to check your post-op vitals. How's your BP?

Derek

Uh, you know who would know that would be a nurse. Why don't you call a nurse?

Callie

Right. I'll do that.

Derek

Why are you whispering?

Callie

Oh, I'm in a hotel bathroom. And I'm about to have sex For the first time in months.

Derek

[eyes widen immediately] I'm hanging up now.

Arizona

Jackson Avery really has a bigger say than any of us in running this hospital?

Cristina

That can't be true. Can it?

Derek

Well, he's a voting member of the management team and he also represents the Harper Avery Foundation.

Callie

And their $175 million bucks.

Arizona

As opposed to our $15 million apiece.

Derek

According to Stan, not only does he have the deciding vote, he can veto ours.

Cristina

That is ridiculous. He's a fellow.

Meredith

So are you.

Cristina

But he's a plastics fellow. And I'm me.

Callie

Well, you should be staring at my wife. [points to Arizona]

Meredith

New haircut?

Callie

No. It's her leg. She's wearing high heels. Because she has a sexy high-heel leg that makes her ass go pow. [Arizona shakes her butt]

Cristina

[facetiously] Ooh wow.

Meredith

[giggles] Hey!

Derek

Wow.

Cristina

Baby got back.

Callie

[to Jackson, Derek and Richard, who are looking embarrassed] Come on, guys. You can comment, too. You have permission. It's the one time in your life you can say it and not be gross.

Webber

Well, I think it's a fine gluteal––

Arizona

[points at Richard] Oh, no.

Cristina

[about her coma patient] No, I know what you're thinking. EEG. I've already done one, and he's not having seizures. So why hasn't he woken up? Yeah. I've asked every doctor in the hospital for their opinion, and no one has any ideas. Oh, my god. You're right. Go global. Bailey, you are a genius.

Callie

Oh, Cristina. How'd it go with Bailey?

Cristina

So great.

Callie

Did you get her to talk?

Cristina

No.

Arizona

Ahh, you weren't on the plane Callie! You weren't in the woods, and you did not hear Meredith crying for Lexie, or Mark moaning in pain, or hearing me scream in pain, you weren't there, and you keep acting like you were, but you weren't, and it wasn't your experience.

Callie

[crying] I lost Mark; you almost died.

Arizona

"I lost Mark; you almost died." You weren't on the fricking plane! You wanted the street cred, the badge of honor, the warrior wounds, Great! Stick out your leg and I'll grab a bone saw and let's even the score! [crying] Ohh...

Callie

[crying] It always comes back to the leg..

Arizona

[crying] I trusted you more than anything... more than anyone in my life. And you decided to cut off..

Callie

To save your life!

Arizona

You didn't lose anything! I did, I did!

Callie

Apparently I lost you...

Cristina

How's, uh Derek liking maternity leave?

Meredith

He's on paternity leave.

Cristina

Yeah, okay.

Meredith

We have a deal. I don't work. Neither does he. It's working out well.

Callie

I live in your house. You're bored out of your minds. [Cristina looks at her] Yeah, they've got all this pent-up surgical energy and now everything's a competition.