I'm talkin' about travellin' without movin'.
Oh. So are we gonna get one of Uncle Davinder's cabs?
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Computers are for nerds, man.
Yeah, man, but some of those nerds sitting in their bedrooms alone, tapping into the night, have turned their hobbies into billion-pound businesses, innit!
I can't see no one payin' you no billion pounds for your lonely bedroom hobby!
Uncle, I was desperate. I needed the money!
Well, if you wanted to turn to petty crime, why didn't you come to me? [points at stocking disguise] I can get you cheaper, [points at hoodie] I can get you cheaper, [points at gun] I can get you cheaper!
No, Uncle!
I do it for you. It is my pleasure.
No!
Now, beta, don't insult me; just give me the gun.
Uncle! Uncle!
DON'T INSULT ME! [wrests the gun out of his hand] Thank you. [turns to other customers] Right. Any of you PRICKS move, I'm going to execute every last motherfucking one of you!
MMalkit
This isn't about work, is it? This is about the colour of my skin! You're picking on me 'cos I'm Asian, you racist bastard! I bet you're not ringing up all your white employees and hurling racial abuse at them, are you?!
BBoss
This is the third time this week, Malkit. I can't let you keep doing this!
MMalkit
Ooh, and what are you gonna do? Sack me? You'd love that, wouldn't you. You'd love to throw me on the scrapheap, another disillusioned ethnic youth, no job, no hope, marginalised by white society and forced to rot in urban squalor. Is that what you want? 'Cos that's what'll happen! Eh?
BBoss
Alright, Malkit. I'm sorry. Take the rest of today off.
MMalkit
Good. Thanks. And can I borrow the car, please, Dad?
TOTelephone operator
Our regulations state that all our firefighters must wear a helmet, for their own protection.
MMalkit
This is a black thing, innit?!
OOperator
What?
MMalkit
Turbans were good enough for my forefathers, to protect their countrymen from the marauding Moguls. Why aren't they good enough for firemen, eh?
OOperator
Because they're flammable!
MMalkit
Well, if you think that I'm gonna help you discriminate against my Sikh brothers, then you are sorely mistaken. Sat Sri Akaal! [hangs up, notices smoke creeping under bedroom door, and dials again] Hello? Yeah, I'd like the Punjabi ambulance service, please!
The people here believe the tree to be sacred, so that even if one leaf falls onto the track, the whole line is immediately shut down.
I'm an accountant waiting to start work in my father's business.
I'm a lawyer waiting to start work in my father's business.
I'm a structural engineer, waiting to start work in my father's business.
I failed all my papers. I'm going into politics!
SSanjeev
First up we'll have ten…no twelve BREAD ROLLS. And bring some of that fancy stuff…ah, butter, yeah!
SSanjeev
Where are those little plastic stirrers we used to have?
OOscar
You're standing on them, big guy.
SSanjeev
You mean they're under my feet.
OOscar
No. We made your legs out of them.
SSon
I'm gay, OK?
SSimon
And so am I.
What, BOTH of you?!
MMother
Oh, my God! My son is a lesbian!
You go to your room, and don't come back until you're not of the gay!
SSon
I thought you'd be pleased to see me happy through spirituality, unlike most young men of my generation, who find happiness through pornography and drugs…which I'd be tempted to use had we not been related to every pharmacist and newsagent from here to Nuremberg!
WWoman
My husband's after me!
JJacinta
Yes, I might have guessed. Is he stifling you with his phallocentric, patriarchal hate crimes?
WWoman
No, he chased me out of the house with a big knife! Now, come on! He's coming this way!
JJacinta
OK, just pull up a bean bag and we'll take a few details.
WWoman
But he'll be here any second!
JJacinta
[smiling broadly] Hmm, and in Indian time that's about half an hour, isn't it, sister?
WWoman
My parents are gonna be devastated! I mean, how could you do this to them?
MMan
I know, I know, and I love your Mum and Dad. I mean, they went perfectly with my Rajasthani coffee table.
GGinger
What about…? [nods towards Asian soldiers]
CCaptain
That's a good point, Ginger. Now listen: you chaps will have to be from East Germany. Very East Germany.
GOGestapo official
Wohin fahren Sie?
BABritish Asian soldier
Stuttgart.
OOfficial
Danke. [as soldier boards the bus] Good luck!
SSoldier
Shukriya. [realises, then runs]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Goodness Gracious Me pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.