In six days, He created the Heaven and the Earth and everything upon it, and on the seventh day He rested. What kind of Indian doesn't work Sundays?!
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
And was Jerusalem builded here, on Jalandhar's brown, unpleasant land?
Just think of all the places you can get to now with the utmost MASSIVE convenience, innit!
Paris!
Brussels!
…Paris!
Anywhere in Europe, man. Turkey, Poland, Netherland…Disneyland.
Hold on, man. Turkey's in Asia, man.
Nah, man. You're thinking of Bangladesh, innit.
So, what was the last book you read, man?
The one about that African leader and his struggle to achieve power for his people. What’s that geezer’s name? Tall, grey…
…trunk…Babar the Elephant, man!
You mean to say you haven't read a book since you were six?!
That is my point, man. I don't need to read anything. I am an Asian academic over-achiever; I already know too much!
It's like being re-released in a new format.
Ah, I know where you're coming from. Say I'm, like, a 12" jungle track, right, on fire, right, spinning on the eternal wheels of steel…
Yeah, yeah. Then the gods, right, they check your mix, and if they find it holy and MASSIVE, right, they re-release you as the…
BBoth
CD! Woah!
What happens if they don't like jungle, man?
Man, then you come back as Peter André tape in a car boot sale in Forest Gate!
Why's that, man?
Because everybody's been cross-breeding with each other, innit!
Not with us they ain't, man.
Oh, that's gonna be a MASSIVE problem, man!
What are you chattin' about now?
If everyone in the world is Asian, who can I smoke in front of without my Mum finding out?!
For example, all shops will be permanently open. And you won't have to spend ages waiting for a doctor, 'cos you'll probably be one!
If you go to football every Saturday, who's gonna look after the shop?
Because of the ball, innit. Man, it's made of leather, right. So your Hindu football team consists of eleven blokes trying not to touch the ball!
The mule: part horse, part donkey. The husky: part wolf, part dog.
Uncle Davinder!
What?
Part newsagent, part minicab driver!
The Three Wise Men came from the East, right?
Right.
Wore turbans, right?
Right.
They was Punjabi!
What?
They came from Jalandhar, man!
How d'you figure that one out?
Check this, man: three strange geezers turn up at a kiddie's party with no invitation. They bring along crappy presents like gold, frankincense and myrrh. What's a little baby gonna do with that?!
Just because they got crappy presents don't mean nothing, man!
Alright. What presents d'you get last year?
Er, well, I got a three-piece suit made out of mirrors, I got a blessing from a holy man who looked like Don King, and a tank top with leg holes!
And who gave you them presents?
My uncle Pritam.
And where's he from?
Jalandhar…Oh, my God!
Why are we meeting in the pub, man?
'Cos this is it, man. We're finally fifteen: the age at which you're legally tall enough to order your first underage drink, innit!
Fierce, man!
Well, go on, then.
Er, I'll have a lemonade, man!
So, what would you do with a million pound?
Pay my phone bill, innit! But if you had a million pound, right, you could live off the interest!
Woah! What interest?
The interest you get from the ras malai when they find out you got a million pounds!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Goodness Gracious Me pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.