"What do you mean this is the only show you could get me on? Isn't Hanna-Barbera casting? What about cable? I heard they're doing a funny version of Ren and Stimpy." ~Roy, talking on phone to Bernie [from The Incredibly Stupid Swamp Monster]
All S1
Quotes from U.S. Acres
(reading Rumpelstiltskin) After the king let the son out, the little man offered the son a deal.
Rumpelstiltskin (Roy): You can keep your VCR if you can guess my name.
Miller's son (Wade): Guess your name? Ha! That oughta be a cinch! Is it Fred?
Rumpelstiltskin: No.
Miller's son: Sam?
Rumpelstiltskin: No.
Miller's son: Elliot?
Rumpelstiltskin: Nope!
Miller's son: Jason?
Rumpelstiltskin: No way.
Orson: The son just kept on guessing far into the night...
Miller's son: Irving? Floyd? Ichabod? Michael? Sidney? John? Paul? George? Ringo? Larry? Moe? Curly? Shemp? Howie? Frank?
Rumpelstiltskin: Nope.
Orson: ...but without success.
Miller's son: Arbuthnot? Trallfaz? Sting? Prince? Engelburt?
Rumpelstiltskin: Sorry, you only get one more guess.
Pizzaman (Bo): Hey, like, hi there, Rumpelstiltskin. Qué pasa?
Miller's son: I know it! I know your name! Your name is...
Roy: (grabs the book from Orson) But before the duck-son could say the name, a hurricane came up!
Orson: A hurricane!?
Roy: Yes, a hurricane. And it blew the duck away, so he couldn't take his VCR back.
Wade: Uno momento!
Orson: Guys!
Wade: Then a spaceship came by! And it rescued the handsome duck and flew him back to reclaim his VCR.
Orson: Guys, stop this!
Roy: But the rooster was determined to get it back with the aid of his trained dinosaurs!
Orson: Trained dinosaurs? Where did the trained dinosaurs come from?
Roy: Same place all those ninjas came from.
Wade: But then the Third Marine Division landed with their Anti-Trained Dinosaur Squadron.
Roy: But the Mole People were too smart for the Marines!
Orson: Guys! [from The Name Game]
(looks at the "U.S. Acres Quickie" logo) Orson, what's a quickie?
Orson: It's a short joke.
Booker: (entering) I don't like jokes about being short!
Orson: Well, it's not a joke about being short, Booker; it's a joke that is short.
Roy: (entering with Bo) But couldn't you do a short joke about someone being short?
Bo: You could even do a long joke about someone being short.
Roy: Then that'd be a long short joke!
Orson: Enough already! A quickie is a joke that's only 45 seconds, and it's--
Sheldon: (entering) Time's up!
Wade: (as the camera fades out) Shucks! I never found out what a quickie was.
RRoy
(considering moving onto the Buddy Bears' show) You [the Buddy Bears] won't hit me with pies?
Bobby Buddy Bear: Oh no!
Billy Buddy Bear: We never hit anyone with pies!
Bertie Buddy Bear: That's not educational and uplifting!
All Buddy Bears: We never do anything that's not educational and uplifting! [from Big Bad Buddy Bird]
MMaurice
I take people into fantasy sequences and show them what the world would be like if they had never lived.
Wade: Oh yeah. Like that movie they show seven million times every Christmas. [from It's A Wonderful Wade]
RRoy
Orson, tell me the name of the new worker in the tool shed.
Orson: What.
Roy: Tell me the name of the new worker in the tool shed.
Orson: What.
Roy: Who is the guy in the tool shed?!
Orson: No, Who is fixing the roof.
Roy: [grabbing the clipboard] I don't care about the roof! Where is the name of the guy in the shed?
Orson: No, Where is the name of the guy plowing the field.
Roy: Who's plowing the field?
Orson: No, Who's fixing the roof.
Wade: Orson, what is the name of the guy fixing the roof?
Orson: No, What is the name of the guy cleaning the tool shed.
Wade: Who's cleaning the tool shed?!
Orson: No, Who's fixing the roof.
Roy: Who is the guy plowing the field?!
Orson: No, Who is fixing the roof. Where is the guy plowing the field.
Roy: How should I know?! What is his name?!
Orson: No, What is the name of the brother cleaning the shed.
Wade: Whose brother?
Orson: Of course.
Roy: Orson, who is fixing the roof, what is the name of the guy cleaning the shed, and where is the other brother?!
Orson: You finally got it. [from Who Done It?]
Wade Duck, you are charged with tearing the tag off a pillow. How do you plead?
Wade: I did it! I did it! I'm glad I did it! [Laughs maniacally] And I'd do it again.
Judge: I sentence you to 9,999 years in prison!
Wade: [Sighs] At least I didn't get life.[from Wanted: Wade!]
"Warning! Do not remove this tag under penalty of law. Penal code 7756". [The tag Wade pulled off Orson's couch, from Wanted: Wade!]
AAloysius
Just what do you think you're doing here, may I ask?
Orson: Oh, we're doing our version of the book Doctor Zhivago by Boris Pasternak.
Aloysius: This is a cartoon show, not Masterpiece Theatre. Strike the set! [From Kiddie Korner]
Regular characters
Garfield (Voiced by Lorenzo Music)
Jon Arbuckle (Voiced by Thom Huge)
Odie (Voiced by Gregg Berger)
Nermal (Voiced by Desiree Goyette)
Binky the Clown (Voiced by Thom Huge)
Herman Post (Voiced by Gregg Berger)
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Garfield and Friends pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.