[Tyrion enters the Small Council chamber, whistling "The Rains of Castamere"]
Don't get up! More ravishing than ever, big sister! War agrees with you! [kisses Cersei on the cheek] Excuse the interruption. Carry on.
What are you doing here?
It's been a... remarkable journey! I pissed off the edge of the Wall. I slept in a sky-cell. I fought with the hill tribes! So many adventures, so much to be thankful for!
What are you doing here? This is the Small Council.
Yes, well, I do believe the Hand of the King is welcome at all Small Council meetings.
Our father is Hand of the King!
Yes. But in his absence...
[He hands a small scroll to Varys, who unrolls it]
Your father has named Lord Tyrion to serve as Hand in his stead while he fights—
OUT! All of you, out!
[The rest of the Council leaves hastily as Cersei storms around the table towards Tyrion.]
I would like to know how you tricked Father into this!
If I were capable of tricking Father, I'd be emperor of the world by now. You brought this on yourself.
I've done nothing.
Quite right, you did nothing... when your son called for Ned Stark's head. Now the entire North has risen up against us.
I tried to stop it.
Did you? You failed. That bit of theatre will haunt our family for a generation.
Robb Stark is a child.
Who's won every battle he's fought! Do you understand we're losing the war?
What do you know about warfare?
Nothing. But I know people, and I know that our enemies hate each other almost as much as they hate us.
Joffrey is King.
Joffrey is King.
You are here to advise him.
Only here to advise him. And if the King listens to what I say, the King might just get his uncle Jaime back.
How?
You love your children. It’s your one redeeming quality. That and your cheekbones. The Starks love their children as well, and we have two of them.
One.
One?
Arya, that little animal, she disappeared.
Disappeared? What, in a puff of smoke?! We had three Starks to trade. You chopped one’s head off, and let another escape. Father would be furious. Must be hard for you, to be the disappointing child.
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