M Mitch
I've always wanted to work in a Golden Corral.
This isn't a Golden Corral. This is the Cattleman's Ranch.
M Mitch
But I thought this is a spin-off of Golden Corral. You've got all the same stuff.
Not the same stuff. It's very different stuff.
M Mitch
But that bear is the same.
The bear's brown. At Golden Corral, the bear's black.
M Mitch
You're the boss. If you tell me that it's not a Golden Corral.
No, it's not. You're crazy.
M Mitch
I am. I mean, not super crazy, because it has all the same stuff.
Stop reading those books. Those stories give you nightmares.
You know what gives me nightmares. Our bank account. Stephen King should publish my checkbook.
I have nothing in common with these neighborhood women! I miss my friends back in DC. We had such pleasant talks... I guess I'm just lonely.
[In Chinese with English subtitles] Oh, is the princess lonely? My feet were bound when I was seven.
We are the most successful couple.
You realize we are swimming in debt too?
Yes, but we are swimming together.
Delivering fajitas sucks!
You know what your grandfather's first job was? Selling bread that was so hot that he lost all his fingerprints.
N Narrator
An Asian kid and a black kid bonding over music by white Jewish rappers. America's crazy.
AA Ashley Alexander
We've had the Allen house on the market for years, and nobody has been able to sell it. It has a rodent problem...
AA Ashley Alexander
The roof has a hole.
AA Ashley Alexander
There was a brutal murder there.
[smiling] So statistically, another murder is unlikely!
CR Counselor Ray
Look into your third eye.
Alright, boys. I got a surprise for you: new uniforms.
[shows a pair of shorts from the box]
Where's the rest of the shorts?
We don't need all the extra fabric getting in the way of our footwork. Come on out, Dave.
[Dave awkwardly shuffles in]
Look how free his thighs are! [grimaces for a second] And white . Looks like someone bleached a ghost!
[Louis is driving Jessica to the dealership]
Louis, where are we going? You know I don't like surprises.
[Flashback to Louis taking Jessica to his restaurant at night]
Sorry! I just forgot my keys!
[Louis unlocks the doors and takes Jessica inside. Suddenly the lights switch on. Before them stand the employees of Louis' restaurant. Mitch is holding a birthday cake in both hands]
[Jessica screams and punches Mitch in the face]
SO Shaquille O'Neal
Check out the latest endorsement I just had to reject. Shaq-uila.
SO Shaquille O'Neal
Basketball-shaped tequila. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
[dressed as Garfield] Mondays, huh?
E Evan
I'm sick of being a good boy. [He throws his moose Beanie-Baby to the floor] I'm sorry, Can-Do. Why do I always hurt the ones I love?
B Brian
Ladies love haikus, Clever crafted word parties, Ladies love haikus.
PC Pan Cultural Seasonal Entity
...Who wants to see Panny dance?
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These quotes come from Wikiquote's Fresh Off the Boat pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License .
