Fresh Off the Boat quotes

I've always wanted to work in a Golden Corral.

Louis

This isn't a Golden Corral. This is the Cattleman's Ranch.

But I thought this is a spin-off of Golden Corral. You've got all the same stuff.

Louis

Not the same stuff. It's very different stuff.

But that bear is the same.

Louis

The bear's brown. At Golden Corral, the bear's black.

Snake skins?

Louis

Different snake.

You're the boss. If you tell me that it's not a Golden Corral.

Louis

No, it's not. You're crazy.

I am. I mean, not super crazy, because it has all the same stuff.

Louis

Stop reading those books. Those stories give you nightmares.

Jessica

You know what gives me nightmares. Our bank account. Stephen King should publish my checkbook.

Jessica

I have nothing in common with these neighborhood women! I miss my friends back in DC. We had such pleasant talks... I guess I'm just lonely.

Grandma Huang

[In Chinese with English subtitles] Oh, is the princess lonely? My feet were bound when I was seven.

Jessica

We are the most successful couple.

Louis

You realize we are swimming in debt too?

Jessica

Yes, but we are swimming together.

Eddie

Delivering fajitas sucks!

Louis

You know what your grandfather's first job was? Selling bread that was so hot that he lost all his fingerprints.

An Asian kid and a black kid bonding over music by white Jewish rappers. America's crazy.

We've had the Allen house on the market for years, and nobody has been able to sell it. It has a rodent problem...

Jessica

It's "pet-friendly."

The roof has a hole.

Jessica

Skylight!

There was a brutal murder there.

Jessica

[smiling] So statistically, another murder is unlikely!

Look into your third eye.

Eddie

My... butthole?

Louis

Alright, boys. I got a surprise for you: new uniforms.

Eddie

Where's the rest of the shorts?

Louis

We don't need all the extra fabric getting in the way of our footwork. Come on out, Dave.

Louis

Look how free his thighs are! [grimaces for a second] And white. Looks like someone bleached a ghost!

Jessica

Louis, where are we going? You know I don't like surprises.

Louis

Sorry! I just forgot my keys!

Surprise!

Check out the latest endorsement I just had to reject. Shaq-uila.

Louis

Nice.

Basketball-shaped tequila. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

Grandma Huang

[dressed as Garfield] Mondays, huh?

I'm sick of being a good boy. [He throws his moose Beanie-Baby to the floor] I'm sorry, Can-Do. Why do I always hurt the ones I love?

Ladies love haikus, Clever crafted word parties, Ladies love haikus.

...Who wants to see Panny dance?