Jessica Huang quotes from Fresh Off the Boat

Jessica

Field trips are just paid vacations for teachers. I don't pay taxes so they can walk around a museum telling our children that a painting of a soup can is beautiful.

Jessica

[while enjoying her first day back in Taiwan, Jessica briefly loses Evan in a crowd, then finds him easily] Y'know what? It would be OK if you were lost here, Evan. There are no pedophiles in Taiwan. People are too busy getting things done to have time for any hobbies.

Jessica

He could have come home addicted to drugs - or pregnant!

Louis

Stop reading those books. Those stories give you nightmares.

Jessica

You know what gives me nightmares. Our bank account. Stephen King should publish my checkbook.

Jessica

I have nothing in common with these neighborhood women! I miss my friends back in DC. We had such pleasant talks... I guess I'm just lonely.

Grandma Huang

[In Chinese with English subtitles] Oh, is the princess lonely? My feet were bound when I was seven.

Jessica

We are the most successful couple.

Louis

You realize we are swimming in debt too?

Jessica

Yes, but we are swimming together.

We've had the Allen house on the market for years, and nobody has been able to sell it. It has a rodent problem...

Jessica

It's "pet-friendly."

The roof has a hole.

Jessica

Skylight!

There was a brutal murder there.

Jessica

[smiling] So statistically, another murder is unlikely!

Jessica

Louis, where are we going? You know I don't like surprises.

Louis

Sorry! I just forgot my keys!

Surprise!

Jessica

You've always been an intense vomiter. Remember that time you ate that entire gingerbread house?

Louis

Those gumdrops came out like bullets.