Frasier · Season 2
[Sam is telling Frasier about his fiancée]
She's a terrific person. She's smart, she's funny, she's horny. I mean, she's just the kinda chick you wanna stick up on a pedestal.
You know, Sam, it's always amazed me how you can elevate and demean in the same sentence.
[Just after they meet Sheila, Frasier reveals to Roz and Niles that he slept with her]
You slept with her?
On what desert island with no hope of rescue was this?!
What did Frasier say about his old man? The father. The cop.
He told me you were dead.
Dead?
We just had a fight that day. I was mad.
You're a cop? You told me he was a research scientist.
You were dead! What did it matter?!
[Niles wonders how to reconcile with Maris]
When your mother got mad at me, I'd just grab her, bend her backwards and give her a kiss that made her glad she was a woman.
I can't do that with Maris. She has abnormally rigid vertebrae; she'd snap like a twig.
[Frasier does not approve of Niles buying Maris a car]
I happen to think that bribery is the wrong way for couples to resolve their conflicts.
And during which of your failed marriages did you hone that theory?
Boy, you and Niles. It's been the same since you were kids. If one of you has something, the other one always has to have it, too. I had to buy two Balinese lutes, two découpage kits, two pairs of lederhosen. When you finally moved out of the house, that was one embarrassing garage sale.
My brother is too kind. He was already eminent, while my eminence was merely... imminent.
Well, as some illustrious person once said, "Popularity is the hallmark of mediocrity."
You just made that up, didn't you?
Yes, but I stand by it.
[Martin thinks Frasier is wasting money by hiring a personal bodyguard]
Hey, I know how to take a bullet.
Oh, yes. That's just what your personality needsː another bulletǃ
[Niles is bemused by the smell of Martin's tackle box covered by Daphne's air freshener]
It smells like a fish died and all the other fish sent flowers.
[Daphne encourages Frasier to go ice fishing with Martin]
So you're suggesting that I go along and pretend I'm enjoying myself in something that gives me absolutely no pleasure at all just to hear the words "I love you"?
Why not? Women have been doing it for centuries.
Seattle's a big city. I'm sure there's a bunch of German fencing instructors, each one with dozens of students.
Yes, but are they wealthy students?
[sarcastically] No, they're inner-city kids trying to work their way out of the ghetto with nothing but a foil and a dream.
[Niles accuses Gunnar in English, which Frasier translates into Spanish for Marta, so she can tell Gunnar in German]
Schweinhund! [draws his sword]
Alright, fine! You want to challenge me? En garde!
Oh, yes, Niles! That's just what we need: a fourth language.
[Frasier is watching a daytime soap opera with Daphne and Martin]
Is this what you do when I'm not at home?
Not quite. When you're not home I can bloody well hear what they're saying!
You wouldn't want to miss a line of this dialogue: "Oh Zirconia, can't you see Stone doesn't love you, he loves Placenta!"
I don't think someone called "Frasier" should be pointing any fingers.
[After Bebe has treated Daphne as a slave, she brings Bebe a snack]
Will there be anything else?
No, you run along, I'm fine.
You're sure now? Because I could wait until you've finished the biscuit and floss your teeth for you!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Frasier pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
