Frasier · Season 2
[Niles' Freudian slip]
If you ask me, Frasier, your trepidation is well-founded. It is possible to move a relationship along too fast, and ultimately marry too hastily. You could find, a few years down the line, that the person isn't really right for you, and then what happens if you meet the right person? Someone who really excites you and makes you feel alive, but you can't act upon it because you're trapped in a stale, albeit comfortable Maris!...Marriage...I have to go now.
[Lilith introduces her boyfriend to Frasier]
Brian is a seismologist at MIT.
Oh, well, that's perfect: Brian being a seismologist, and you having so many faults.
[Frasier is angry with Lilith for interrupting his time with Madeline]
My God, woman, I'd drive a stake through your heart but I don't think anything could kill you!
There's nothing wrong with Maris that wouldn't be cured by a little sun, some exercise and a personality.
I had a mole removed.
Where?
Just south of Manchester.
I meant, where on your body?
So did I.
[Confronted with Danny again, Niles is having trouble controlling his anger. Frasier takes him in hand]
I can't go in there and talk to him. If the coward turns his back on me, I'll attack him again!
No you won't. You're not a child any more. Now come with me: I'm taking you to the bathroom!
Oh, for God's sake, Eddie, don't drink out of the toilet! Some guy just had his head in there!
[Roz intervenes on Frasier's show with some advice of her own]
Who's next, Roz?
If you ask me, it's divorced people you want to watch out for. If someone's never been married, it might just mean they're a careful shopper, whereas your divorcé will buy any old piece of fruit without even giving it a squeeze first.
The preceding was an unbiased opinion from my never-been-married producer, Roz, who, incidentally, has squeezed more fruit than Tropicana!
[Daphne is giving Roz's ankle a much-appreciated massage]
Whatever Frasier's paying you, it's not enough.
Actually, I'd need a raise to get me to "not enough".
[Frasier has an idea for how to take Martin's mind away from the murder case: the basketball game]
It's the archetypal male bonding ritual.
Couldn't we just go to the woods, kill something and have done with it?
Ah, yes. Another beautiful Saturday night. The moon is full, the city lights are twinkling, lovers steal kisses in the park... and here, Chez Crane, my father and his assistant sit hunched over 20-year-old photographs of a murdered hooker. [raises his glass] Life is a banquet!
I'm a humane man, but right now I could kick a kitten through an electric fan.
[Frasier is waiting in Café Nervosa for a man who claims he can return his stolen briefcase. Niles discovers it contained his car keys]
Frasier, the person who has your car keys asked you to meet him here knowing you would bring your car?
Now, now, before you launch into one of your paranoid riffs, my car happens to be... [turns to look through the window] MOVING DOWN THE STREET! Oh, my God! [leaps up and rushes out of the door] Stop! Stop that well-dressed man!
[Niles has advised Daphne to reinvest her money from the sale of her shares. Frasier walks in and wonders why she looks so excited]
Well, your brother just gave me $200, and now he's going to roll me over.
[Niles is laughing while perusing Dr. Snow's manuscript]
Niles, will you please stop giggling? It's very distracting.
I can't help it. Have you read this?
I'm trying to recommend a book. Reading it doesn't help.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Frasier pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
