Ellen Season 1 quotes

What are you doing?

Ellen

I saw a fly. I wanted to kill it. Maybe you can put its head next to the deer up there on the wall.

Ellen

Boy, Ellen DeGeneres, I love her show. Do you think the rumors are true?

I would say it was a very complicated procedure because, of course, the lung tissue has to adhere to the chest cavity.

Ellen

Maybe if they would have flossed their chest more often, they wouldn't have the cavity.

Remember that weekend we had a night picnic on the beach and I gave you those diamond earrings?

Matt, how do I say this? It's really over between us.

I know, that's why I want the earrings back.

Ellen

You know how you said in the room, you know, that you thought, maybe I was, you know, and I said, “no, no, no, no,” well, I was thinking about it, and I think that maybe I am, er, I am … I guess what I’m trying to say is … I did get the joke about the toaster oven.

Are you saying what I think you’re trying to say?

Ellen

What do you think I’m trying to say?

Oh, I’m not going to say it again and be wrong.

Ellen

No, you’re not wrong. You’re right. This is so hard. But I think I’ve realized that I am … I can’t even say the word. Why can’t I say the word, I mean, why can’t I just say … I mean, what is wrong, why do I have to be so ashamed, why can’t I just see the truth, I mean, be who I am, I’m thirty-five years old… I’m so afraid to tell people. I mean, I’m just…Susan… (Ellen turns back towards Susan, putting one hand on the counter and accidentally pressing the PA system) I’m gay.

Ellen

I don’t know, I thought if I just ignored it, it would just go away and I could live a normal life.

And what is a normal life, Ellen?

Ellen

I don’t know. Normal. I mean, just the same thing everybody wants, someone to … A house with a picket fence, a dog, a cat, Sunday barbecues. Someone to love, someone who loves me. Someone I can build a life with. I just want to be happy.

And you think you can’t have these things with a woman?

Ellen

Well, society has a pretty big problem with it. There are a lot of people out there who think people like me are sick. Oh God, why did I ever rent Personal Best.

You can’t blame this on the media, Ellen. It isn’t going to be easy. No one has it easy.

Ellen

You don’t understand. Do you think I want to be discriminated against? Do you think that I want people calling me names to my face?

To have people commit hate crimes against you because you’re not like them?

Ellen

Thank you!

To have to use separate bathrooms and separate water fountains and sit in the back of the bus?

Ellen

Oh, man, we have to use separate water fountains?

There is nothing wrong with being choosy, Ellen.

Ellen

Right. Exactly. And it's not like I'm looking for perfection, you know, I just want someone special, someone I click with.

And obviously you didn't click with Richard? (Ellen shakes her head)

Has there ever been anyone you felt you clicked with? (Ellen looks up)

And what was his name?

Ellen

Susan.

Believe me, Ellen. Telling people is always hard. I remember when I came out to my parents. It was one summer when I was younger. I sat them down on our couch and said to them: "Mom, Dad, I've struggled with this for a long time. But this is who I am. Now, I can only hope you can be happy for me." For the rest of the summer, they remained silent. But the following autumn when I entered kindergarten, they were 100% behind me.

Ellen

It's not enough for you to be gay, you have to recruit others.

Damn, now I have to call headquarters and let them know I lost you. Just one more and I would have gotten that toaster oven.

Ellen

What is that gay humour? 'Cause I don't get it, that's how un-gay I am.

Just give this one a shot, O.K.? I'm running out of lesbians.

Ellen

Well, you know, we're not reproducing like we used to.

Elli, maybe you should get yourself a roommate?

Ellen

Yeah, maybe I'll go to a roommate bar and try to get one.

Spence

I'm just saying: wait a week before you call, and then get her name slightly wrong, so you don't seem interested.

Ellen

Better yet: I'll wait a year and spit on her when I see her.

You know, I'm maybe old fashioned but I don't think the woman should ever call.

Ellen

That may not be practical on this case, Page.

Elli, I want you to have this sword. This has been in the Morgan family for years. Your great great grandfather used this sword in 1865, at the reenactment of the war of 1812.

Ellen

Why don't you tell me a little about yourself?

Like what?

Ellen

Start at the beginning.

I was conceived through artificial insemination.

Ellen

Wow, you're really lucky to be raised this way. You're just an amazing kid. And no matter how screwed up you'd get when you get older, you can always tell your psychiatrist "I know it's not my childhood."