TV show quotes
I'm sorry. But I cannot tolerate imbeciles.
Elaine, when we agreed you'd start at 8.30 you did understand I meant a.m.?
Buying biscuits at the supermarket, right, and this bimbo won't let me through on six items or less. All baps up to here and stick-on nails she was. Get this - (Imitates the check-out girl) "Sorry. Six items or less".
And you had?
20, but all the same, do you see.
Am I your first official patient?
Indeed you are . Collect a thousand loyalty points you get a free coffin.
Elaine, you do check prescriptions before printing them, don't you?
Yeah.
Right, well, we seem to have a woman with erectile dysfunction here.
I can't be expected to work your system.
That would be the system whereby we don't kill the patients by prescribing the wrong medication, would it? It's your job.
No. It is your job to check before you sign.
If there's anyone who hasn't come to gawp, drink tea or otherwise waste my time, put your hand up.
(None of the patients puts its hand up)
Is there anyone here who has a genuine medical problem?
(Only one patient puts his hand up)
Thank you. Goodbye.
(Patients begin to leaving the surgery)
Put your tea cups down and leave.
Message.
(Reads the message) "Roy or Steven?"
Boy of seven. Dr Sim could read my writing.
(Elaine has taken down a garbled phone message about a boy with a dangerously high temperature)
So there's a sick child *somewhere*, but you didn't get the telephone number, let alone the boy's name? oh well I suppose we could always get his name from the obituary couldn't we.
Right... well... look...
No. You look, Elaine. For a new job.
What? Just because...
Because you are the most incompetent person I have ever had the misfortune to encounter and that incompetence may very well end up costing someone their life. You're fired.
I'm Bruce. Elaine's dad. Just thought I'd stop by and say hello.
Hello.
Is Elaine in? She does work here, doesn't she?
Not for much longer, I just fired her.
So is this another patient you've chased away from your surgery?
What? Oh your friend Roger Fenn? God, that was quick.
Roger? I haven't seen him in ages. He was forced to take early retirement. He thinks I took his job... well, I did take his job. It wasn't him so it must've been one of the other 30 patients you unceremoniously dispatched.
For the record, I did not dispatch any patients. I dispatched people who seem to think "surgery" is another word for "café".
Being the doctor here is more than just handing out pills.
Yeah, it's handing out biscuits as well.
This is Miss Glasson from the school, Mrs Richards. I'm just checking on Bobby. Oh, dear, well, I'm sure the doctor will, he's...
(Grabs phone from Louisa) Mrs Richards? Dr Ellingham here. Is his temperature still elevated? Right, I'm on my way, what's the address? Yep. Yep. I'll be with you in 15 minutes.
Half an hour.
30 minutes. Goodbye.
(To Louisa)
Do you know where the...
Map.
Thanks.
You sacked Elaine Denham?
For no good reason.
(To Nikki) Shouldn't you be giggling outside my house?
They say Elaine's a good girl.
I'm sure they do.
Maybe in London you can mess people around like that.
Yes, as often as we can.
You sacked a perfectly good receptionist.
Perfectly good? She made appointments before I was even open. She printed out prescriptions so inaccurate as to be potentially lethal. I had to go to the school to track down a child because she couldn't be relied upon to take down a phone number.
It's empty.
And what did he put just in his tank? Horse-urine?
We-don't-have-any-petrol!
Then, what-he-just-put-in-his-tank?
Diesel!
Hello Bobby. Feeling better?
I don't like you.
Well that's alright because, um, I like you.
You were mean to Elaine. My sisters say you're the W word, the T word, the P word, and the Zed word.
What's the Zed word?
it's a word
I'm going to refer you for more tests.
Ah. Referrals, otherwise known as covering the arse.
No, otherwise known as offering specialist treatment.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Doc Martin pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
