Julia, why do you always have to look a gift horse in the mouth?
Because, if you look one in the rear, they usually kick you.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
She's like those women you read about in the "National Enquirer," you know the ones who don't know they're pregnant. One day they're just sitting around, sippin' on a soda or something. And all of a sudden they look down and say, "My stars, would you look at that. I just had a baby." That's Charlene.
Y'know, I don't know why more people can't raise their kids the way Andy Taylor did. I mean, Opie had to work for everything he got. Y'know when he did make a mistake or he wanted to do something stupid, Andy never just came right out and said no. Y'know like the time Opie wanted to move out when he was eleven to get his own place... Andy helped him save his little allowance — which if I remember right at the time was 50 cents a week — and Andy put it in the bank. So instead of having a big fight about it, y'know, Opie is all the time thinking that someday he's gonna own this house, y'know — even though Andy knew full well what the property values were in Mayberry, and that at the rate of 50 cents a week you'd be 82 before you could even afford the inside of an outhouse.
[(pausing to think)]
Y'know when you get right down to it, Andy tricked Opie. wish I hadn't started this — now I'm upset!
[The quote from the pillow given to Suzanne by her grandmother:]
Dear Little One,
I wish two things;
To give you roots.
To give you wings.
[Julia confronts, and then comforts, a very tearful Suzanne who doesn't want to give up Li Sing.]
Well I sure made a mess of things this time, didn't I?
Not yet. In a few more hours they'll be talking kidnapping.
I wish I'd never met her. She thinks I'm wonderful. She even loves my cooking.
You don't cook.
Well, I know that, but she doesn't! Li Sing's the first person who's ever loved me just for me.
She's not the first. She's the third.
What? you mean my ex-husbands?
No, silly. Mother and me. We love you just for you.
Yeah, but you don't think I can do anything.
That's not true. I just said I didn't think you were cut out to be a mother.
You mean unlike the four billion other women on Earth? Thanks a lot.
But you do something nobody else can do.
What?
I don't know what it is.....exactly.....that you do. I just know nobody else is doing it, or can do it, like you do. You giving away your pillow?
Yeah. I wanted Li Sing to have it.
I think Grandma would like that. I remember when she made these for us. Roots and Wings. We sure got our share didn't we? Suzanne, I'm going to say something pretty harsh, but I'm saying it because I love you. Just once in your life, don't put yourself first.
I'm not, Julia. I'm thinking of Li Sing.
No, you're not. You're not thinking at all. You know, in your heart, that she's better off with this couple. If you love her, like you say you do, give her wings.
I just didn't expect to fall in love with her. I know, you're right. I know. Ok, I'll do it.
[Julia takes Suzanne's hand and starts to cry herself.]
I'm so happy for you.
Why?
Because, now. . . you know what it feels like to be a mother.
At Mardel Richardson's wedding — you know Mardel has a little weight problem, and she unfortunately chose a full white gown with a veil. Anyway, just as she's getting ready to go down the aisle, Julia leans over to me and says, "Look, Suzanne, it's not a bride, it's a bride float."
Oh, I did not. You're terrible.
You did so. And then when the attendants started down the aisle, she said, "If they had any style at all, they'd ride her in."
I keep a list of people who touch my behind without permission. Some of them have died unnatural and untimely deaths.
What'd they say?
Who?
The adolescent cretins.
It doesn't matter what they said. They said what they always say.
Well I know, but just out of curiosity, what was it?
All right, Charlene. If you must know, they said, "Say, Mama, sure would like to be your Daddy. Mmm Mmm got to have me some of that."
[Charlene tries to comfort Suzanne as she struggles to do good works after being miraculously spared when her car is totaled.]
If God had intended you to do good works, you probably wouldn't have been born so shallow.
I don't think this safe sex is what it's cracked up to be. My husband and I weren't that happy and we always had safe sex. I mean we had it in bed... and I was usually asleep. I don't think you can get any safer than that.
[Forced to speak in front of the PTA, Mary Jo ask Julia to show her how to get fired up. As a result, everyone tries to think of something that makes them mad in order to help get Mary Jo going.]
Oh, oh!! I've got one... this just makes me furious!! Y'know... when men... use Women's Liberation as an excuse not to kill bugs for you... oh, I just hate that!!! I don't care what anybody says, I think the man should have to kill the bug!!
I don't think I can add anything to that...
[An old "friend"/client of Julia's overhears their plans to decorate an AIDS funeral room.]
ISImogene Salinger
Is this the boy whose funeral you're planning?
Where did you hear that?
IImogene
I heard the rumors, but I didn't actually believe it was true! Now I don't like to hurt anyone's feelings, but if these boys hadn't been doing what they were doing, they wouldn't be getting what's coming to them now.
Imogene, gays aren't the only ones getting it.
IImogene
No, but they're the ones who started it.
KDKendall Dobbs
Actually nobody knows how it got started. Gays are just one of the first groups it showed up in.
IImogene
Yes, and for a good reason... you reap what you sow. You boys brought this on yourselves. As far as I'm concerned this disease has one thing going for it... it's killing all the right people!
Imogene, I'm terribly sorry. I'm gonna have to ask you to move your car.
IImogene
Why?
(pulling her towards the door) Because you're leaving. The only thing worse than all these people who never had any morals before AIDS are all you holier-than-thou types who think you're exempt from getting it.
IImogene
Well, for your information, I am exempt. I haven't lived like these people, and I don't care what you say, Julia Sugarbaker, I believe this is God's punishment for what they've done.
Oh yeah? Then how come lesbians get it less?
IImogene
That is not for me to say... I just know that these people are getting what they deserve!
Imogene, get serious! Who do you think you're talking to? I've known you for 27 years, and all I can say is... if God was giving out sexually transmitted diseases to people as a punishment for sinning, that you would be at the free clinic all the time! ... and so would the rest of us!
I think she makes a good point.
IImogene
Oh, who cares what you think?! (she points at her head) You're not even all there!
(shocked) Well, as long as we're on the subject, (pointing at her chest) neither are you!
IImogene
(totally furious) Well, you needn't look forward to any more of my business in this lifetime!
Wonderful! I'll close up your account! And another thing, my son has an A in chemistry! In fact, he's making all As! In everything — including P.E!
[Mary Jo is forced to defend condoms for teenager at a PTA meeting shortly after discovering a friend is dying of AIDS.]
CCarolyn
Let's quit kidding around, shall we? What you're actually saying, Mrs. Shively, is that if your 15-year-old daughter is determined to have sex, that you won't mind her going to a school dance with a boy who has a condom in his wallet paid for by your tax dollars. Isn't that right?
What I am saying is I have a dear, sweet, funny friend -- 24 years old, not very much older than the kids we're talking about here -- and he came to me this week and asked me to help plan his funeral because he's dying.....from AIDS -- something that he got before he even knew what it was or how to prevent it. I've been thinking about his mother this week, and what she might give for the opportunity that I have tonight -- that we all still have here tonight -- because now we know how to prevent AIDS. And I think it really shouldn't matter what your personal views are on birth control, because we're not just talking about preventing births anymore. We're talking about preventing deaths. Twenty-five thousand Americans have died, and we're still debating. Well, for me, the debate is over. More important than what any civic leaders, PTA, or Board of Education thinks about teenagers having sex, or any immoral act that my daughter or your son might engage in..... the bottom line is I don't think they should have to die for it. Thank you.
DGDash Goff
And when an affair was over, she left a man dazed, and wobbly, and squinty-eyed like some wrung-out old gas station dog — all spindly legs and dry heaves, sometimes trying to stand in the shadow of his former self, but mostly just staring disinterested into the hot delta sun. This is what is known in the South as being Belled.
Julia. [She is reading, aloud, a letter from Dash Goff.] "Yesterday, in my mind's eye, I saw four women standing on a veranda in white, gauzy dresses and straw-colored hats. They were having a conversation. And it was hot. Their hankies tucked in cleavages where eternal trickles of perspiration run from the female breastbone to exotic vacation spots that southern men often dream about. They were sweet-smelling, coy, cunning, voluptuous, voracious, delicious, pernicious, vexing and sexing...these earth sister/rebel mothers...these arousers and carousers. And I was filled with a longing to join them. But like a whim of Scarlett's, they turned suddenly and went inside, shutting me out with a bolt of a latch. And I was left only to pick up an abandoned handkerchief and savor the perfumed shadows of these women...these southern women. This Suzanne. This Julia. This Mary Jo and Charlene. Thanks for the comfort. Dash Goff...the writer."
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