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S1 E1

Dead Like Me · Season 1, Episode 1

“Pilot” quotes from Dead Like Me

10 quotes

“Pilot” · Season 1, Episode 1

In this episode: George (9), Dolores (2), Rube (1), Mason (1)

[The camera closes in on cubicle land, where a teenage girl with a dull expression listens to her headset.]

[voiceover] That's me. I'd say I'm sorry to disappoint you… but I'm not. I excel at not giving a shit. Experience has taught me that interest begets expectation, and expectation begets disappointment, so the key to avoiding disappointment is to avoid interest. A equals B equals C equals A, or… whatever. I also don't have a lot of interest in being a good person or a bad person. From what I can tell, either way, you're screwed.

[Cut to a guy robbing a convenience store…]

[voiceover] Bad people are punished by society's law.

[… only to find the police outside. Bad guy is shot dead. Cut to a woman, standing precariously on a picket fence to lure a treed cat with food.]

[voiceover] And good people…

CWCat Woman

Who's the pretty kitty? Ooh, you are. Come on, sweetheart.

[The woman falls off the fence. Pan down to the dead woman…]

[voiceover] … are punished by Murphy's Law.

[… then over to the cat on the ground, eating the food. Cut back to the office.]

[voiceover] So you see my dilemma.

[An aggressively cheery middle-aged woman approaches the morose George.]

Hi, I'm Dolores Herbig… as in "her big…"

[She points to her eyes, grinning.]

"… brown eyes?" I'll be your Happy Time career counselor.

[As a toilet seat from the re-entering Mir station plummets through the sky, George is awkwardly moving through a city plaza.]

[voiceover] They say your entire life flashes in front of your eyes the moment before you die? That might be true if you're terminally ill, or your parachute doesn't open…

[She looks up to see the fireball heading straight for her.]

[voiceover] … but if death sneaks up on you, the only thing you have time to think is…

Aw, shit.

[voiceover] I didn't know what was more disturbing: being dead or the fact that the first man to touch my naked body was a coroner.

[voiceover] Everyone always says the same shit at funerals... they talk about how sweet, wonderful, and oh-so-full-of-life you were, how it was your time and you can't question God's plan... they never say anything bad. You could be the biggest turd in the toilet bowl and you'd still come out smelling like a rose.

So what's next? Onward and upward?

Onward not upward. No pearly gates for you, no choirs of angels neither.

You dick! You're sending me to hell?!

Don't flatter yourself. You're not that interesting.

[seeing un-George for the first time]

Who decides what we look like?

I don't know. Maybe this is what our inner child looks like when it grows up.

If that were the case, it looks like my inner child's road to adulthood was paved with crack cocaine, ten-dollar blowjobs, and maybe even a trick baby or two.

These quotes come from Wikiquote's Dead Like Me pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.