Derek Morgan quotes from Criminal Minds

Hotchner

OK, here's what we know: Blitz attackers are almost always male.

Morgan

Well, he got picked up in the pouring rain by a New York cabbie, so we definitely know he's not a brother.

Reid

[to the waitress after having difficulty with his chopsticks] Excuse me, could I get a fork perhaps? [everyone laughs] Did you know that experts credit Confucius with the advent of the chopstick. He equated knives with acts of aggression.

Morgan

You don't know how to use them, do ya?

Reid

It's like trying to forage for dinner with a pair of number two pencils.

Morgan

What's all this?

Día de los Muertos.

Reid

Day of the Dead. A three-day Latin holiday where souls of dead relatives are said to return to earth to enjoy the pleasures that they once knew of.

It sounds like he was reading that out of a book.

Morgan

No, trust me. He always sounds like that.

Reid

Actually, I was reading. I picked this pamphlet up at the airport.

Greenaway

You really don't know someone till you take a road trip with them.

Morgan

What are you trying to say?

Greenaway

Look at this car, man. There's empty soda cans and fast food wrappers everywhere. You're a slob. You know, back at Quantico your desk was all neat, but I bet if you looked in those drawers you'd find a mess.

Morgan

OK, we have been on the road way too long. [hearing Elle's phone ring] Aww, that must be the boyfriend.

Greenaway

Yes, it is. [answers phone] Hey Gideon.

Let's get one thing clear. We all write a letter just like the one Summers wrote.

Morgan

A suicide note? That doesn't mess with your mind just a little bit?

I am neither disillusioned nor confused about what I am, what I do, or what I have done.

Morgan

Somebody here is. Why else would they rat out their own people?

You'll have to ask them.

Hotchner

Hey, don't knock family. I'm gonna get nothing but for the next 36 hours.

Morgan

Hmm, good for you.

Hotchner

Haley's got a list of chores a mile long and I can't wait. The biggest decision I gotta make is what I'm gonna do first.

Greenaway

I bet you she has a thought or two about that as well.

Hotchner

Bring it on.

Garcia

[angrily over the phone to Morgan when he asks for information] The information superhighway is closed.

Morgan

What are you talking about?

Garcia

Someone had the nerve to run a black hat op into my computers, Morgan. They hacked me, okay? But you can bet your sweet ass I will find them. I've got honeypot farms hidden behind UML kernel data packets and a first generation honeynet I personally programmed. My snort-log lists every visitor, every server request, every keystroke of this entire network. If I have to back-hack his IP all the way to the freakin' stone age I will find this son of a bitch, okay? So, bye!

Hotch

She runs the Crimes Against Children Unit in Maryland.

Morgan

Always wanted to meet her.

Really? I heard she was a bitch.

Gideon

Nobody ever called you that, Katie.

Well, not to my face.

Morgan

All right, guys, listen up, we might have something. 12 men were interviewed. Eight are back in prison, one is dead, one lives in California, and two have last-known addresses within 10 minutes of us: a Patrick Forest and a Michael Earlson.

Patrick Forest isn't smart enough to put this all together.

Hotch

What about Michael Earlson?

Definitely.

I saw it on TV. Three strikes and I'm out. I'm not going back. I'm not going down for this...

Morgan

Put the weapon DOWN!

Greenaway

[reading the headline] Stripping Bandit. That's terrible. That makes it sound like the bandit's doing the stripping.

Reid

What would you call him?

JJ

Pervert.

Greenaway

Scumbag.

Morgan

I'd call him an ass.

Hotchner

Hey, focus, please.

Morgan

Oh, one last favor. Look up the words "sexy" and "brilliant" in that computer of yours, and tell me what you come up with.

Garcia

Look at that, it's me.

Morgan

You are a goddess, woman. Ciao. [turns off his phone and sees the women in the waiting room staring at him] It was a... it's a work call.

Morgan

You really are afraid of the dark.

Reid

I'm working on that.

Morgan

You should work a little harder.

Reid

[referring to the bomber's phone call warning of an attack "where it all began"] So Seattle's "where it all began."

Morgan

We just need to figure out what "it" is and, off the top of my head, I can think of grunge music and overpriced coffee.

Morgan

Hey, Dollface, ready to work some magic for me?

Garcia

Challenge me, you beautiful behavioral analyst.