Derek Morgan quotes from Criminal Minds

Hotch

Yeah, we're set.

Morgan

Hotch, listen, they're gonna be sending us bomb fragments by this afternoon. I'm the only one with an ATF background. So if you'd like me to stay behind and supervise the bomb profile, I'm on that.

Hotch

Morgan, you wouldn't be afraid to be out in the field with a bomber, now, would you?

Morgan

You know, maybe it's not the bomber that I'm worried about.

Hotch

I thought we were past all that.

Morgan

Hotch, Boston sent Gideon into a post-traumatic tailspin. How do we know that won't happen again?

Hotch

Morgan, I'll tell you what. Why don't we concentrate on profiling the bomber, and not Gideon?

Morgan

Copy that.

Morgan

These are my bomb fragments. We can start putting this bad boy together.

Garcia

Why bother? Don't you just look at the pieces for prints and... stuff... and?

Morgan

[chuckles] Garcia, what are you doing in the FBI?

Garcia

I didn't get into medical school?

Morgan

Why does that not surprise me?

Morgan

I hate not having a plan. We're looking for a needle in a haystack.

Reid

Actually, it's more like we're looking for a needle in a pile of needles.

Morgan

What?

Reid

A needle would stand out in a haystack.

Morgan

Okay. Then we're not looking for someone who stands out.

Reid

No, we're looking for a particular needle in a pile of needles.

Reid

Must be tough, man.

Morgan

[laughs] Not really.

Reid

What do you mean? You don't DO anything and these women are throwing themselves at you.

Morgan

Strictly off limits, Reid.

Reid

There's no code of conduct that says agents can't socialize.

Morgan

Yeah, well, see, my code of survival says never mess with a woman who carries a gun.

Reid

I don't know everything. I mean, despite the fact that you think that I do.

Morgan

I never said that. When have I ever said that?

Reid

Every day since I met you!

Greenaway

This morning at breakfast.

Hotchner

Yesterday when he beat you at cards. Um, we've got one minute.

Morgan

Anybody ever heard of sarcasm?

Greenaway

Reid failed his qualification.

Gideon

Well, he can retest in two weeks.

Greenaway

Yeah, but he's gonna be embarrassed about it, so let's not mention it.

Gideon

Yeah, let's not, huh.

Morgan

Not a word. [Reid enters the room] Hey, we're all here for you. I'm serious. If you ever need anything... [places a whistle around Reid's neck and blows on it] just blow on that.

J.J.

He's so gorgeous.

Haley

Thank you.

Reid

If you find baldness and wrinkles attractive.

Garcia

Look at his little witty bitty nose. [to Morgan] Don't you want one of these?

Morgan

I'll stick to practicing.

Morgan

Both families had a dog... and both houses had a dog door.

Greenaway

Fielding said that the person he saw was small.

Morgan

Yeah, well, in order to get through that door, you'd have to be 5'4", tops, and real thin.

Gideon

"When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth."

Morgan

Sherlock Holmes was a fictional character. Whoever did this isn't. We can be pretty sure he's probably found himself another family by now.

I would keep them apart until the last night. 'Til the last supper. Then I would bring them, one by one, down to the basement. The youngest first. The father last.

Morgan

Why, Karl?

So he could see what happens to families when the head of household isn't strong. Wives wither. Children perish. But me? I'm an excellent father.

Morgan

[sees Garcia with a cardboard box] Please tell me you brought some breakfast.

Garcia

Oh, trust me, sugar. You are not going to want to eat when you see what's in here.

Morgan

And remember, play into the guy's fantasy, believe it yourself.

Reid

Actually, did you know that dentists and surgeons have been recruited to secretly implant these during otherwise normal medical procedures? This has been happening on and off since the late 1930s. [Morgan looks at him] Told me to believe.

Morgan

Easy there, tough guy. Have some coffee with your sugar.

Reid

I need something to wake me up.

Morgan

Ooh, late night?

Reid

Very.

Morgan

My man!

Reid

Not that kind of late night.

Morgan

[laughs] Okay, so tell me, what does keep young Dr. Reid awake at night? Wait, let me guess. Memorizing some obscure textbook? No, no, no. Working on cold fusion? No, I got it, I got it, I got it. Watching Star Trek and laughing at the physics mistakes.

Reid

Actually, there aren't that many scientific errors in Star Trek. Especially considering how long ago it was made. There are certain improbabilities, but not that many outright errors.

Morgan

Right.

Garcia

Penelope Garcia's house of "How May I Save Your Ass Today?"

Morgan

Well, you can give me the sex offender registry for Wilmington, Delaware.

Garcia

Oh, that's always a fun group. Um, Morgan, did you hear that Agent Gideon sent me flowers?

Morgan

No kidding?

Garcia

Jealous?

Morgan

Sex offenders, Garcia!

Morgan

[regarding Max Ryan] I heard he was forced into early retirement.

Hotchner

No, he chose to retire.

Reid

He's written a new book on the Keystone Killer case.

Hotchner

He moved to Philadelphia to be closer to the crime scenes.

Greenaway

That's retirement?

Morgan

BAU style.

Gideon

Children?

Hotchner

They're fine. We got them out before they got here. We took down these four.

Reid

Without firing a shot?

John Blackwolf

Captain America here shot number five.

Hotchner

You're welcome. Number six is cut up pretty bad. I don't think he's gonna make it.

John Blackwolf

At least I didn't shoot him.

Morgan

I think I'd rather be shot.

Hotchner

There's an old Apache saying: "You can take many paths to get to the same place."