Columbo · Season 1
[Columbo walks into a restaurant carrying a doughnut]
You buy that here?
Uh, no. I bought it from the doughnut shop because I was going to eat it in the elevator, but then I saw my friend here and, uh... [she glares at him] I'm really terribly sorry.
[He wraps the doughnut in a napkin and gives it to the waitress who hands him a menu]
Well, let me see, uh, um, let's see now.
I can come back.
No, no, no, no. I'll have, um... I'll have a doughnut.
You know, sir, it's a funny thing. All my life, I kept running into smart people. I don't just mean smart like you and the people in this house. You know what I mean. In school, there were lot's of smarter kids, and when I first joined the force, sir, they had some very clever people there... and I could tell right away it wasn't going to be easy making detective as long as they were around. But I figured... if I worked harder than they did, put in more time, read the books, kept my eyes open maybe I could make it happen. And I did. And I really love my work, sir.
I can tell you do.
My problem is just the opposite. Born smart... as they say. A blessing you'd think. I had no real childhood, I was an imitation adult, because that's what was expected of me. Most people don't like smart people. Most children despise smart children. So, early on, I had to hide my so-called gift... painful lonely years.
You know, sir, I never though of that.
When the squib goes off, it produces vibrations and that knocks the book down. That Danziger is a genius!
Vibrations! That nitwit! The man who conceived all this, you make him out to be a bungling ass! No! This is what he would have done! This! There! [laughing] There! [continues laughing then pauses] Oh my... Oh my.
Just think, Lieutenant. If you had investigated my niece's death, all this need never have happened.
Ah, look. An unfinished A. A for Annie. Did Annie my maid do it? We haven't got a butler.
That must have been very hard, losing someone you love like that. I've been very lucky. I lost my parents. That's the way of the world. But to lose someone that young, that's like being cheated. That's very hard.
I'm beginning to be very fond of you, Lieutenant. I think you're a very kind man.
Don't count on that, Miss Mitchell. Don't count on it.
Now you're inheriting the property and all, so I'd like you to be there too. I could run you over. My car's right here. It's French, very rare.
Uh, yes. Oh, I can see why.
[to group of murder mystery fans] I like my job. Oh, I like it a lot. And I'm not depressed by it. And I don't think the world is full of criminals and full of murderers because it isn't. It's full of nice people just like you. And if it wasn't for my job I wouldn't be getting to meet you like this. And I'll tell you something else. Even with some of the murderers that I meet, I even like them too. Sometimes... like them and even respect them. Not for what they did, certainly not for that. But for that part of them which is intelligent, or funny, or just nice. Because there's niceness in everyone. A little bit anyhow. You can take a cop's word for it.
Oh, wait a minute. Let me see that shoe. Oh, that's a very nice shoe. You like that shoe, Sergeant?
It's very nice, Lieutenant.
It's practically new. That's terrific. I'm looking for a pair of shoes just like this. See, I like them rounded toes. It's French style. The French thought of that. [looks inside shoe] Oh. Made in Italy. Well, what's the difference? I like them.
Good Evening, Ma'am. My name is Lt. Columbo, Homicide. I'd like to speak to Paul Gerard. Is he home?
I'm not sure.
Is it a big house or is he just out to the police?
Tell me, Lieutentant, do you have a suspect yet?
Oh, I have my eye on someone...
Oh, one more thing. Gee, I almost forgot what I came here to ask you.
Fortunately you remembered.
As you're an expert on restaurants, sir, I wanted to ask you. Do you know anything about the Restaurant Developers Association?
I don't know anything about it, Lieutenant. I've never heard of it. [turning to Eve] Have you?
No. No, Lieutenant, I'm sorry.
Well, that's alright, ma'am. As the Chinese say, "There's more than one fish in the sea."
You're a very able man, Lieutenant. I respect that. But I don't care for you very much.
You know, sir, I was thinking the same thing about you? I respect your talent. But I don't like anything else about you.
When did you first suspect me?
Well, after it happened, sir, about two minutes after I met you.
That can't be possible.
Oh, you made it perfectly clear, sir, the very first night when you decided to come to the restaurant directly after you were informed that Vittorio was poisoned.
I was instructed to come here by the police.
And you came, sir.
Yes.
After eating dinner with a man that had been poisoned. You didn't go to a doctor. You came because the police instructed you. You didn't go to a hospital. You didn't even ask to have your stomach pumped. Mr. Gerard, that's the damnedest example of good citizenship I've ever seen.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Columbo pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
