Wait till I tell my wife.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
SLSgt. Leftkowski
You know, Lieutenant, uh, I'm in the homicide office at least, uh, once a week. I don't think I've ever seen you there.
Well, I don't get down there too much. None of the murders take place there you know.
From my experience, ma'am, I've discovered that people don't usually forget to do that which they usually do.
GWGrace Wheeler
That's very confusing.
It sounds that way. I'm trying to reconstruct something that Dr. Willis must have done just before he died.
GWGrace Wheeler
[horrified] What are you talking about? Are you still saying that my husband was murdered?
Yes, ma'am. That's exactly what happened.
GWGrace Wheeler
He took his own life!
No, he didn't.
This is a beautiful piece, sir. You know, we have one just like this back on the dining room table in our house. Almost the same design.
This is third century. It's worth several thousand dollars.
No kidding! Gee, I think my wife got ours at the farmer's market. Well, I guess ours is just a copy.
ACaptain August
Mr. Morgan is with the Protocol Department, Columbo. There's been a complaint lodged against you by the Suarian legation.
KMKermit Morgan
A complaint of police harassment by First Secretary Hassan Salah. The feeling expressed to me is you've been engaging in a personal vendetta.
Well, there's no vendetta involved here. Just trying to catch a man who murdered two Suarian nationals along with robbing the legation of $600,000.
KMKermit Morgan
Yes, I'm sure but you're working in delicate and apparently unfamiliar waters, Lieutenant. You can't push around diplomatic personnel the way you would common criminals in the street. It's in the best interest of our government if there are no further contacts between yourself and First Secretary Salah.
Well, that's all very well and good except for one thing.
ACaptain August
What is that, Lieutenant?
He's the murderer.
Where's the King?
ZZena
Oh, he's here.
You know, it looks good, those robes. Do you think they look good, I mean for a man?
ZZena
Oh yes, I do.
What do they cost?
ZZena
I'm afraid I don't know.
How come the King doesn't wear one? It's not because he can't afford it, I know that.
ZZena
You seem to be interested in clothes.
Shoes. These are new. $16.95.
You were saying you were apprehensive about your employment, is that it?
I beg you not to send a letter to the State Department. I apologize but more than anything else I want to shake your hand. You're the best.
To what do I owe this tribute?
You beat me. That's it. I got beat, plain and simple.
True.
I know you did it. But, well, you can't win 'em all, sir.
You're very gracious, Lieutenant.
Thank you.
Lieutenant! I beg you.
The trouble is, sir, you're right. That is, all the evidence is circumstanial. It's just bits and pieces. I don't think any of it is gonna stand up in court.
A confession! If I signed a confession..?
Well, I'm not sure. Your Majesty?
KThe King
I shall abide by your decision, Lieutenant.
[pulls the form from his pocket] Well, in that case, just sign by the red X. Three copies if you don't mind.
The thing about my being a double agent was only a rumor.
GGeronimo
The agency doesn't deal in facts, only in rumors.
SDSalvadore Delfonte
You worry about the Chinese. I tell you don't worry about the Chinese. You know why; 'cause they can pull out of the Olympics, but they can't pull out of soy beans.
What do you have to win one of those?
SGShooting gallery attendant
Hit the ducks, ten in a row.
My wife would go for one of those.
SGShooting gallery attendant
No way, Lieutenant, you're a pro...
Aw, forget about it. If I'm standing on the dock, I couldn't hit the water.
Lieutenant, I think I should warn you that I'm not an unworldly man. I have powerful important friends, even in the police department. I respectfully request that you do not harass me.
Why sir, I would NEVER do that.
Yes, I quite understand your problem. But you must understand mine, it's a bizarre situation.
Just between us, sir...
Um-uh.
Somebody's following me.
Now who would be following a cop?
That's what I'm trying to figure out. Can't be the collection company. The car's paid for.
What would you like in the way of libation?
Oh, nothing when I'm on duty.
But you're finished for the day, aren't you?
Well, nearly, sir. Do you have any wine?
A cellar full.
Just a glass.
What kind would you like?
Oooh, red.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Columbo pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.