Columbo quotes

Lt. Columbo

Do you like to play these games?

Yes, indeed.

Lt. Columbo

Do you like to gamble, sir?

What else is there?

Luis Montoya

I will kill him like in the old days. With you assisting me.

That is crazy and you know it. We are both out of shape.

Luis Montoya

If you won't, I will have to do it alone

Comandante Sanchez

I see you're a thorough man, Lieutenant, but the bull did kill Rangel.

Lt. Columbo

Yes I can see that but its important to be thorough, especially when a man dies alone.

Lt. Columbo

[referring to bullfighting] I don't know how you fight a thing like that and make a living.

Luis Montoya

It's more than a living, Lieutenant. It's a way of life.

Lt. Columbo

I have to tell you the truth. I don't think I would enjoy watching a man kill an animal, even as big and mean as he is.

Luis Montoya

Perhaps you would prefer the spectacle of two men in a prize ring beating each other senseless. Or murdering an innocent deer with a rifle. Or catching a fish with another one which is still alive. Our culture is different from yours, Lieutenant. No better or worse, perhaps, but different.

Comandante Sanchez

I hope you understand, Luis, that the Lieutenant is here as my guest. He has no official status.

Luis Montoya

So inquisitive. I find him amusing.

Comandante Sanchez

Montoya must have a motive.

Lt. Columbo

Yes, every man has a motive.

Lt. Columbo

That shows you I don't know much about bullfighting.

Is that all, senor?

Lt. Columbo

You know, I think my wife was right. There's something wrong with me. I'm supposed to be on vacation, and right away I'm thinking like a cop. That's called, uh, occupational hazard.

Occupational hazard, what is that?

Lt. Columbo

That's, uh, when wherever you go, you take your work with you.

Oh, I see. We call that loco.

Lt. Columbo

May I ask you a personal question, sir?

Luis Montoya

Oh, by all means, Lieutenant.

Lt. Columbo

Did you injure your leg in the bull ring?

Luis Montoya

[nodding] On the Plaza Del Toros, Mexico. It was the wound that ended my career. And, ironically, it wasn't even the bull I was supposed to fight. You see, I was appearing mano a mano with a young matador who froze, and the bull gored him. I jumped to his rescue, and I too, was gored, badly, here. They tried to take me to the infirmiry along with the young matador, but I refused to go. Despite the blood flowing from my would, I stayed in the bull and I did one of the best fights of my career. I killed the bull with one thrust. The people loved it! They stood up and gave me an electrifying ovation. Two ears and a tail! That was my last fight.

Lt. Columbo

Well, that must have taken a lot of courage, sir.

Luis Montoya

[smiling] Well, it would be a difficult thing for me to do now with this leg.

Tell me, Santini, last month, before you left for New York, you didn't by chance break into this office and search through my effects?

What a silly question. Of course I did. And I stole your Manet, your Picasso, and got a lovely price for your Reubens. You know I didn't.

I thought not. It was dreadful of me even to, uh, suggest it.

Thank you.

Um, speaking of New York, uh, I take it that... [takes a wad of cash out of an envelope] ...this too is, uh, some sort of joke?

$5,000 is hardly a joke.

Come, come, dear friend, I've assimilated the rudiments of arithmetic. Your recent tour netted $100,000, fifty percent of which is...

Five percent of which is $5,000.

Five percent?

Mmm-hmm.

No, no, dear man, we've been over this before.

Jerome, I'm bored with your bleeding me. I'm afraid we're going to have to make a change in our little arrangement.

There are no changes...Sergeant Mueller. You see how the very mention of that name renders you completely helpless. You keep forgetting that I know who you are, and where you came from.

I was 21. I was merely a boy.

No one in the S.S. was "merely a boy", Mueller. No one in the camps was "just a boy". Unless he was being taken into the oven. Don't misunderstand me. If you push me, I will tell. The newspapers, the immigration service, The Israelis-- yes, the Israelis! Oh, how they'd love to get their hands on you.

I think not. I'm far too valuable to you.

You call that valuable?

Mmm-hmmm.

I'd do much better turning you in right now, while I still have the chance, before you break in here again, trying to find the old man's letter, and don't deny that it was you!

Jerome, you really are an animal.

You're lucky! I'm a businessman. When that old man recognized you last year, didn't I give you the money to keep him quiet? That was good business. And when he died and I realized that I was the only one who knew, well, that was very good business, too. That's why we're such a good team, you and I. You know, you do rather well, considering the circumstances. Certainly better than spending the rest of your life in an Israeli prison. I urge you to look at it realistically. Have the other $45,000 for me tonight before the performance, or believe me, it will be your last performance... anywhere. [as Santini gets up to leave, Jerome gives a Nazi salute] Heil Hitler! Have the money for me before the show.

Excuse me, sir.

Lt. Columbo

I'm Lt. Columbo.

Oh, I'm sorry, Lieutenant. I didn't recognize you. You look different somehow.

Lt. Columbo

I've had a haircut.

Lt. Columbo

I gotta take off this coat. I can't think in this coat...THE COAT, I can't think in the coat.

Lt. Columbo

[to Dog as he puts his new coat in the car] Now I'm going to leave this coat in here. If anyone tries to steal it, look the other way.

You see, sir, we're stumped with the motive.

Do you have a suspect?

Lt. Columbo

Yes.

You do?

Lt. Columbo

We do. But we don't have a motive for you.

[as Columbo enters] Oh no.

What's the matter?

Someone I thought I'd seen the last of.

Do you think you could make him disappear too?

Splendid suggestion but in his case, I think rather doubtful.

Lt. Columbo

A letter addressed to the Department of Immigration and Nationalization that identifies you as a war criminal means opportunity and motive. It's enough to convict for first degree murder.

It's impossible. It's a trick and not a very good one.

Lt. Columbo

A trick? No, that's the letter.

Oh no, Lieutenant. No, you see, this letter was burned. [letter goes up in flames] So much for your letter.

Lt. Columbo

[dramatically pulls another letter from his pocket] There's the letter! I hope you were watching carefully. That's my best trick. Of course, I don't have your style but I get pretty good results.