Columbo quotes

Do you have a first name?

Lt. Columbo

I do, my wife is the only one that uses it.

[to Columbo] We both have similar jobs. I wear a uniform. [glancing at Columbo's disheveled appearance] You wear...well, I suppose you could call that a uniform.

Lieutenant Columbo, the captain would like to see you.

Lt. Columbo

The captain, to see me? It's not about my wife, is it? I mean... she likes to have a good time, sometimes she gets carried away...

It's not about your wife, sir

Lt. Columbo

[seasick] The same thing happened to me last year. Me and my wife were at this motel with a water bed. I thought I was gonna die.

Lt. Columbo

[pointing to surgical gloves] Doctor, do you know how many of these you have on board?

No, not off hand.

Lt. Columbo

Would you mind?

Mind what?

Lt. Columbo

Mind firing the gun into the matress; I hate guns. Besides, I'm a bad shot, I'm liable to miss.

Lt. Columbo

[At an art gallery] Uh, now this here. I see it doesn't have a title.

That?

Lt. Columbo

Yeah.

That, sir, is the ventilator for the air conditioning.

Lt. Columbo

Oh. That's the ventilator?

Yeah.

Lt. Columbo

Oh. [blushes] I'm embarrassed.

Oh, no.

Lt. Columbo

You won't tell anybody?

Of course not. You know, I think you would appreciate the more traditional things. If you'll come with me, we have some beautiful landscapes upstairs. If you'd like to come and I'll show you--

Lt. Columbo

Well, I'll tell you the truth about that, ma'am. I've got plenty of landscapes. Thank you very much. You see, my wife, she paints a little.

Oh, does she?

Lt. Columbo

Yeah. She buys those canvases with the numbers on them. You've seen 'em around. Yeah, you fill the spaces with the paints that have the corresponding numbers. They turn out pretty good.

Lt. Columbo

Good afternoon, Mr. Van Wyck.

Oh, what is it? A new experiment?

Lt. Columbo

I'm sorry to bother you again so soon.

Perhaps it would be more convenient for you, Lieutenant, if you'd just move into one of our guest rooms.

Lt. Columbo

[talking to the gate man] So ordinarily he'd pull up in a car and tell you where he's going and you would come in here and you would record it on a log. But tonight he wrote it on a magazine in advance. I've got this funny habit. You know, when a person does something one way and then he suddenly does something another way I immediately think...[taps head]. I'm sure it doesn't mean anything.

Lt. Columbo

This is this. This is what you presented at the art show the night of the murder. The problem is it was on the desk immediately after the shooting. How did it get to the art gallery? By your own testimony you took it there. But in order to get it off the desk you practically had to step over the body. That woman was shot BEFORE you left the house... and you shot her.

Am I to presume that I'm currently your chief suspect?

Lt. Columbo

I'm not sure suspect is a strong enough word.

In that case, I should be locked up. Of course, I'm not. Therefore, I presume you have no proof.

Lt. Columbo

Not yet.

You'll let me know when you do, won't you?

Lt. Columbo

You will be the first to know, Doctor.

Do you know, Lieutenant, you're a marvelously deceptive man. You know, how you get to the point without really ever getting to the point.

Lt. Columbo

See, that's a European car. You know, they have the thin tires.

Yeah, I know. Our tires are wider.

Lt. Columbo

But I don't see any European cars here, only my car.

You got a European car?

Lt. Columbo

That's a French car. Yeah, my car's French.

Lt. Columbo

I have an eyewitness, Dr. Collier. An eyewitness that will place you at the head of the Donner driveway at 5:30 Monday afternoon. But the eyewitness is not Mr. Morris. The eyewitness is you.

Lt. Columbo

I wonder if you could help me out with this thing here. Uh, my wife is a terrific dancer and a very good singer but I got two left feet and when it comes to dancing in public, you know, I get self-conscious so, and so she always has to sit it out. Is there something, uh, what can you do for a problem like that?

Become a critic.