Abe Lincoln quotes from Clone High

Abe

Girls, girls, please! You know how I feel about conflict. I'm against it! Now, I love you both. One in a completely platonic way, the other with a fiery passion that most people know but once in a lifetime. By the way, that one's not you, Joan; it's Cleo.

Abe

What a jerk! Napoleon's got some sort of a complex. I don't know what it is, but man.

Abe

But Joan. I love- [gets frozen]

Abe

Right now all I can think about is not thinking about you over there on your thinking dock thinking about what you did.

Joan

I was only trying to help, Abe. You don't know what you're getting into...what she's getting you into.

Abe

You don't know what you're getting into, and that's out of my friendship. And do you know what hurts the most, Joan? This nail I just stepped on. But there's a metaphorical nail in my other foot that hurts the second most, and it's from you backstabbing me. So maybe instead of the nail metaphor, I should have used a stabbing metaphor, but it's too late for that now, isn't it?

Joan

I guess it is.

Abe

That's where you're wrong, Joan. Because I'm going to win that election with the most dangerous campaign stunt since Dukakis jumped the snake river canyon. Goodbye, Joan. [Walks off dock into water. Gets back onto dock] ...Goodbye, Joan.

Tom Green

Hey, you're reading my book! Touch the book...lick the book. Lick the book. Lick the book. Lick the book. Lick the book. Lick the book. Lick the book. Lick the book. Book. Book. Book. Book. Book. Yeah, I haven't read it either, people with ADD aren't good readers. Wanna go shave a dog?

Abe

My friend has ADD, and everyone at school treats him like some kind of leper.

Tom Green

Well, that's discrimination! Hey, do you wanna go take a dump in my parents' bed?

Tom Green

[Caws] I'm an albatross! I'm an albatross! I'm flap-flap-flapping my albatross wings, flap-flap-flapping my albatross wings...[falls out of window]...AAAGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH-[pokes the skin on his elbow]-AGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Tom Green

Hi everybody, I'm Ottawa's Tom Green. I live in Hollywood.

Tom Green

Thank you. So, some of you have been mean to a kid with A.D.D. That's not cool. Coffee? Anyone...coffee, anyone? Huh? Sorry. I like cotton candy. Check out my muscle. Potato chips! It's a Ferris wheel! So I guess what I'm trying to say is...

Tom Green

...Plastic bag! Plastic bag! Plastic bag! Plastic bag! Plastic bag!

Abe

Like Mister Green so eloquently said ...

Abe

CLEO!!!!! (Cleopatra gasps) Don't get on that plane! (The conductor closes the door. Abe gasps) BUDDY HOLLY! Is there any room on your plane?

Well, let me see. It's me, Ritchie Valens, The Big Bopper, Jim Croce, Stevie Ray Vaughan and a half of Lynyrd Skynyrd. I guess there's any room for more.

Joan of Arc

[referring to Cleo's bra] Why don't you just take the tissues out and it'll fall off?

[gasps] You signed a nondisclosure agreement! I hope you have good lawyers, because I'm gonna sue your hand-me-down pants off, bleacher trash!

Abe

Girls, girls, girls! You're both human beings. You both put your bras on one leg at a time.

Abe

Where am I going to get money to buy Cleo a good present?

Gandhi

Have a Bar Mitzvah, dude. You get mad stacks!

Abe

Sounds sweet but I think I'm going to do the Christian thing, get a job.

Gandhi

Right on! Both Will Smith and Bill Gates have jobs and they're millionaires!

[High five] To jobs!

Abe, it's sex o' clock, it may sound like I said six, but I replaced it with a more suitable term, [whispers] sex!

Abe

[whispering] Cotton balls...